I have a story to tell and I hope it helps.  If you have read my profile it tells the beginning of my story.  But,  Dysfunctional did not start there, it went way back to my Great Grandparents.  (Aweful stories there).  Anyway,

During the time of the START of my RECOVERY I was also going thru alot of major medical testing,  at the same time my Father was dying. Plus, there was a battle with my Ex over things with my youngest son.  And, my little brother was using and living with my parents, and there was a battle there.  I was also seeing a "shrink"  (if you will),  When, my older sister called and really asked for my help.   I should lable everyone so there is more insite.  Oldest Brother-Bi-polar living on street somewhere. Oldest sister -Good Cop,with much patients.  I was the Bad Cop, with humor.  Little sister, -Loud, in denial,medicated.  Little brother-Emotional, crying-mama's boy.

So, off I went (I hated being around my family) it was goingto be a one day trip.  When I got there, my little brother was crying and parnoid, my mother was in "hate mode" towards my older sister,  little sister was outside being Loud and entertaining the neighbors,  Older sister was in bedroom shaking, and pacing.  My dad was in a hospital bed with oxygen on lookn' around (probably asking Pleas take me! ;) )  My mother started throwing punches at my older sister, my little sister I think called the cops my little brother ran in his bedroom and hid.  I got inbetween the punches got my mother under control, got my sister to meet me in one hour at the first rest stop going out of town.  When things got calmed down I went to my dad, and whispered in his ear!  It was a weak smile but it was a smile.

My little sister & family, My little brother & kids, and my older brother showed up for the Funeral.  The rest did not.   My dad is the only one that could quilt us all in being together, anytime, anywhere, as far back as I can remember.  I told my kids not to go.  It stops here,  the Dsyfunctional Family string stops. My mother still has not forgave me, and we haven't spoke in over three yrs.  any of us actually, with the exception of my older sister. 

We, found out I had cancer.  I saw my shrink and pacing and talking "physco - panic" almost,  and telling him everything that happened in great detail (poor guy).  I rememeber this so clearly,  sit down, talk to your siblings tell them you are in recovery,  tell them  the FAMILY IS TOO TOXIC FOR ME TO BE AROUND.   I incorparated this in my step work.  I arranged for everyone to get together.  And I did just that!  It wasn't easy,  My chest hurt so bad I thought I was having a heart attack.  My older sister and brother inlaw are the only ones that understood exactly what I was talking about.   I spent thousands, thousands of dollars for physcoloigist's to figure out what was wrong with me.  And one crazy sentence it all came together.  I found the strength, I found the words to explain,  I found the strength to tell them they are toxic to me.  The Program tells us to change our surroundings,  its no different with Family,  we did not get to pick our Family we were born into it or we gave birth for them to be in it.  Explain how you feel, explain your quilt, explain your recovery, explain it if you feel like you are being taken advantage of.  The first little steps leads us into the bigger steps.  Write it down, read it out loud,  practice what you want to say.  But, share it, we use this with our friends, aquaintences, people in general.  Practice saying NO.  I can't do "that" right now, I need alone time.  I can't do "this" right now, can we do a different time>  Practice.

I truely love my Family, I would step out in front of a truck to save my kids,  But, they have their INDIVIDUAL THOUGHTS, JUDGMENTS, DISLIKES, LIKES, and their own ability to MAKE ME FEEL QUILTY. and if we are TOXIC to each other then "IT IS WHAT IT IS"

I also was missing a piece in my steps, (second time around working them).   It all fell into place, it all made sense,  and the QUILT with my children went away.  They quit taking advantage of me, (other issues caused our no contact).  The toxic feeling with my family stopped also.  My sister and I have never been closer!!!  And that I wouldn't change for anything "she's the best". !!!  Get past your fear, write it, practice it, share it.  No, one can read our minds we have to share our thoughts, feelings, etc.  This worked for me It has kept me from relapsing with my addiction.  I would just get totally wasted when I had to deal with my family. KEY WORD HERE IS "DEAL"  not 'BE WITH".    Sorry it is so long.  love U, lots. wish I could be there to hold your hand and give U a REALLY BIG HUG !!!  You need to remember your Daughter Loves You. :)

jackie

     Another try at this might be to do a 5/6/7 as written - then after a bit look at it again. A friend of mine did did it that way for another reason and it worked. Sometimes the only way to get to something is to remove the layers above.

Take care..

Dennis

Your quote,"irrationally paralyzed with fear in the face of or anticipation of loss. That, and I still can't seem to recover from being emotionally distant and distrusting (with myself, with others, even with God)" could have come straight out of my journal.  I put this feeling down with abandonment issues.   Without getting into a bunch of family history or even my issues.  I just wanted to help you identify that crippling charachter defect...fear.  Abandonment is a fear enabler.  You can be motivated to do some of the most antisocial things because you are avoiding being hurt...feeling.  The whole isolation thing.  This is if it is indeed an abandonment issue. Time to dig a little girlie.

Now if you look at what caused the fear well thats a start. A childhood event, repeated experiences or just poo thoughts (that stinkin thinkin.) Once the fear is indentified and why, you can stomp it out by remembering or being aware of the initial issue (ie abandonment, being hurt) Its a process that takes time and yes a sponsor would seriously help. Find someone whom you can talk to and remember you always have us.

You can heal from this! I hope this helped!

Love ya,

Lisa 

Hi. what comes to mind is unity, service, recovery. unite with others, service unto others, and recover. the hardest part of recovery, for me, has been reaching out to others for help. going to meetings to listen to others and to share with others my path in this deal. being of service to others in many different ways has been a major help in my self worth. working with a sponsor has been an amazing path in hind site. just like this site, each part plays an important peice in my recovery. wish i was more intellectual and could explain it better. I got stuck in my 4th step. Thats when i got a sponsor and stop trying to do this on my own. things got a lot better for me. Hope this helps. I love reading your stuff it has been very insiteful at times. glad you are here...e-hugs...ben