The Christmas holiday is over for another year. Although it is funny when I let go of the capitalist hype, I am able to be more open to being thankful for the blessings that surrounds me.
This year, I stayed home. No tree. No decorations. No feasts.
It didn't matter much anyway, as half the family are out of state and the other half are having severe relationship problems. All I did was write...
Treating an over-commercialized holiday as if it was just another ordinary day was refreshing. - Although I did go out to watch the new AvP-R with my ex's youngest brother laster night. We loved it, but hoped there would've been more carnage. Ah well.
I've been reflecting alot lately on this past year, and while there wasn't a whole lot of major accomplishments to the resolutions I made, I did do one thing I set out to do... Examine my character "defects" by getting honest with myself. Of course I have alot more work to do in this area, but one thing did happen that I wasn't expecting: facing my fears.
So much of these defects, as I have been discovering by working on step 4, has been primarily fear-based. I have acted and reacted in unhealthy ways out of fear. Needless to say, I was amazed at the bulk of my problems has been due to my own irrational behavior.
As far as the major accomplishments go, I have been making more of an effort to:
- communicate
- ask for help
- stand up for myself & creating boundaries
- learning to say 'no'
- opening myself more to my Higher Power
Inso doing, I have been finding more of a willingness to do things I've wanted to do, but set myself back by making endless excuses to take action...
For years, I've avoided getting my GED and getting a higher education because I was afraid I couldn't get past the math, and that I was intimidated by my underdeveloped social interaction. Suddenly it occurred to me, "Hey, wait a minute! I'm not st00pid... I love to learn!"
It took me having to realize that by 'letting go and letting God' doesn't mean I get to sit on my ass until the crisis passes, as I've done with my unresolved grief. It means I have to do something too... Especially if I ever want to find a life with purpose and meaning - without my kids.
2007 has been an amazing year ... full of the usual trials and tribulations, and setbacks. But I'm learning.
Learning to face my fears (which much of it has been more like the 'monster in the closet').
Learning how to tackle things one step at a time instead of all at once.
Learning to rely on my Higher Power, now that I've come to believe.
Learning that some of my defects are actually virtues gone haywire.
Learning to accept myself, be myself, and accept my limitations.
And most of all, learning that the cliché "treat others the way you want to be treated" goes two ways... It means treating yourself the way you want to be treated.
The cool thing about being a codependent in recovery is that I no longer have to concern myself with the expectation of someone else making me happy or meeting my needs (especially if I can't communicate what they are). People are fallible just as I am, and I must learn to value myself as well.
Funny how it took years of being stuck in a personal hell after having lost everything I cared about... And all it took was getting honest with myself to get the ball rolling.
Even though I haven't heard that 'POP!' yet, there is so much I want to accomplish in 2008. I am psyched to get going and create a new me.
May this coming new year be rewarding and full of endless blessings for you all! 
