Biscuitous' newest blog entry was beautiful, sad and very touching - which prompts me to give it another attempt to compose something along similar lines a couple nights ago, but ended up deleting it altogether.

The subject of loss is a rather sensitive issue for me as I still haven't allowed myself to grieve the way I should over the 'living death' of my kids. It's a subject I find myself continuing to avoid.

When I initially started composing said blog the other night, I was in an emotionally raw place... I saw an autistic boy on television that made me think of both of my sons, particularly my youngest.

Yes, both of my boys were repeatedly diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder during the time where said rates of diagnoses were growing geometrically in the state of California, but there was next to nothing in the state of which I live. Especially in the way of parental services and education.

It makes me sick to my stomach to see everything that is available... now.

I'm not going to bother with explanations of what they were like or the sheer hell I went through, except to say I imagine that is perhaps the reason my ex really didn't seem to care they were gone, as he never regarded them anyway.

He would say horrible things to me about them. Saying things like they're "just not on my wavelength" and refer to them as "its". He even accused the boys of not being his, because they weren't as 'intelligent' as he is.

Eventually the kids' advocates started to see his true colors and encouraged me to get away from the environment I was stuck in, as a stipulation of being able to get them back.

Nothing had panned out the way I had hoped before the court's year-end deadline. Even with their personal help. It just kept blowing up in my face over and over again.

I felt defeated, especially when I watched my ex sign the papers without any resistance. To me, he seemed eager to get it over with. I tried to muster up the courage; only my lawyer just sat there...going so far to say it didn't matter to him what I did, as he gets paid no matter what. As he said that, I couldn't help but look at the framed photograph of his family sitting on his desk and wondered if he treated their feelings with the same callous apathy he gave me.

After more than two hours of bullying and intimidating me into signing the papers to terminate my rights, I reluctantly gave in to the relentless pressure. At that point, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually broken.

To be honest, I had no idea I could've filed a complaint until more than a year after the fact.

Not more than six months later, I guess my mother got tired of my whining about missing the kids, as she told me to "get over it". My ex's mother would simply glare at me in contempt just for mentioning I missed them (during a holiday). If looks could kill... *sigh*

In the meantime, I felt very much alone.

I pushed away my ex completely and utterly. We never talked about the kids, and he never seemed to have any regret or remorse. Just asinine complaints of how his brother wasn't around to support him.

The first quarter of next year will be six years... For the first two, I was bitter, angry and wanted the whole fooking world to just die. So much so that it got to the point where I couldn't function, and one night I decided to pray to God. -- I think that was the first time He ever heard me, as a good 80% of those emotions had been lifted... I haven't prayed, and still haven't, to help me face the loss.

I was extremely lost and depressed also, just looking for any reason at all that would keep me here. And indeed there was... Although my daughter was also part of the paperwork package (in and out of different foster homes, running away and causing all kinds of problems), she still needed me. I don't even have the slightest idea as to how I could possibly make amends, even though she is now proud of me for finally doing something.

Only now have I slowly come to find the willingness and accept I have to live my life somehow without the presence of my special boys. Except I still haven't been able to bring myself to cope with the loss.

I have developed such a paralyzing fear whenever I anticipate loss (as I did when my mother had a mild heart attack 3-4 months ago), that I'm unsure how to deal with it. Nor have I forgiven myself for failing my children by having stayed in an unhealthy situation that, not only cost me my kids, but literally my sanity.

Holidays makes it ever more depressing because of things I used to share with them and can't now...

I apologize if it appears as if I make the ex out to be solely responsible, as I am no angel either. I just sometimes wonder why some parents reject their children.

One day, I hope, I can finally heal from these bitter wounds that only bleed more when I let myself think of them. It may sound cruel, but sometimes I'd like for them to be dead so I can truly grieve...

I pray, that wherever they are, they are safe, loved, and their needs are taken care of when I wasn't able to.

Tags: Sad