It is believed that when a soul mate enters our lives, it is because they have something to teach. More often than not, these encounters are generally brief.
In my last entry, I had mentioned one of mine...
He has been on my mind alot. Expecially lately.
Not a day goes by where I am not thankful to him and to God for sending him when I needed it, for with him he brought the tools that would undoubtedly change my life - the 12 Steps. He also told me I needed to forgive myself.
Since I lost my kids back in the first quarter of 2002, I pretty much gave up. On myself and everything I believed in. Including God.
Denial, of course, didn't help.
My toxic behavior eventually cost me the friendship with my soul mate.
Funny thing is I have no regrets that he left; except I am still deeply remorseful for having hurt him.
At the time he somehow touched a spark of life that I thought was long gone. He gave me the tools to help myself, and I did nothing... I couldn't admit to myself that I lacked the willingness to get off pity pot. In some morbid way, I rather liked the emotional abyss that I had clung to.
The reality was was that I needed to face another shock of a deep loss to finally motivate me.
For months, I was bitter. Inside, I blamed him for not giving me a chance to explain; when in reality, after I started getting honest with myself, I would have used that as just another opportunity to continue what I was doing. It wasn't fair to put his self worth and years of recovery at risk because I was behaving like a needy, manipulative, wounded child.
While that was that was more than 20 months ago, I am just now starting to comprehend on a deeper level, over than just mere intellectual understanding of words, of everything he was trying to teach me.
The longest part for me was Step 2... I lost more than just my faith. I didn't know what to believe in. And I certainly had lost my understanding of a Higher Power. I had so much shame and self loathing, it was easier to turn my back on God rather than to face God and say I needed Him.
I had to realize that in my own understanding - God is Love, and if that were true, how can I love God if I have no love for myself? After all, I can't give what I don't have...
After having "come to believe" from that epiphany, I felt I was able to move on to Step 3, rather than rushing through Step 2 by using a substitute because I had that agnostic confusion, anger, and faithless mindset.
While I still have yet to open my heart and my trust to God completely, as I constantly wrestle with my own ego's desire to take my life into my own hands (and we all know how successful that's been, otherwise I wouldn't even be here now), I am learning not to rely so much on my flawed secular perspective of intelligence.
Step 4 has so far been a rather enlightening experience and discovered much about myself, and my habitual behaviors and the common patterns that has reared it's ugly head throughout my life.
As long as I stay out of my head, which happens easily when I'm isolated and spend too much time journaling, I find that my day goes better. And my attitude towards everything in general is better.
I've been thinking quite a bit over the coming new year, just as I did last year. Last year I wanted a change - by working on alot of issues that I have. Issues that I am going to be working on for quite some time apparently.
Next year, I want to have more of a change than I've had this year... I want to have time to study for and pass my GED. I want to get off my lazy, sasquatchian, fat ass and get into school on phlebotomy (or whatever I figure out what I want to do "when I grow up"). Sure, it doesn't seem very ambitious because it doesn't pay much, but I kinda like the idea of getting paid to stab people and siphon their bodily fluids...that could possibly save lives! 
I also want to have the time to make it to meetings, which is something I've been wanting and needing to for awhile now - badly. But- everything happens for a reason, in their own time and in their own way.
As long as I can keep myself being God-reliant instead of self-reliant, and just go with the flow, I'll get to where I want and need to go eventually.
It didn't take a day, a month, or even a year for me to get sick with the dis-ease of insanity (addiction), and it certainly isn't going to take a short time to become the person I was meant to be... Just as the blessings of recovery isn't going to be divinely handed to me on a silver platter.
I am a decent person. I am caring. I am empathetic. I am loving. I am giving. I am honest. I am deep. I am considerate. I am compassionate... I deserve to love, and be loved in return. I deserve to have all the kindness I give, given back to me in return. Only for right now, I have to learn to let go of the things that keep me from being happy.
Thank you Gary. For everything.
Tags: Serene
