I couldn't help but think of just what it had to take for me to get my head out of my ass and start making some choices for me to change my life. Talk about being a glutton for punishment, lemme tell ya...

For 12 years I had been stuck in a sick and extremely unhealthy relationship involving mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse - on both sides. Believe me, I am no angel either.

While it would be easy to sit here and place all the blame on him, it wouldn't be truthful or realistic, and it certainly would not help me grow from an emotional/codependent/love addict to an emotionally and spiritually happy person.

I had expected (first mistake) to have a normal relationship and family, just like "everybody else". At least that is how I envisioned life should be.

We were also computer addicts (second mistake), who were rather avoidant and irresponsible in just about everything. Neglecting each other's needs as well as the kids', and as time went on, tensions sky rocketed. Not to mention all the chaos and stress just about personally did me in.

Just a little side note... Since this journey of recovery is all about me, I'm not going to bother with the schematics of my ex's participation other than what both of us are guilty of.

He and I both had been victims of child abuse, and reflecting back, neither one of us had ever learned to develop any real healthy coping and communication skills.

Our relationship was rather volatile. On again, off again, on again, off again (rinse and repeat x2)... Each time we went back to each other, our unhealthy habits never changed. Instead it grew increasingly worse.

Blaming. Arguing. Avoiding. No matter how hard I tried to turn things around, it would eventually implode because all we did was work against each other instead of with each other.

In the first quarter of 2002, the courts decided to terminate our rights to our kids.

This is something I don't like thinking about considering how hard I worked to get out of the situation I was stuck in to try to get the kids back. Pretty darn sad when they agreed that I could get them back - if I left my ex before the last of our custody hearings was up... *sigh*

Needless to say, as a mother to every other mother out there who is stuck in a codependent and abusive relationship, do whatever you can to get out! Especially if you have children who's needs have been left by the wayside.

After I lost the only things that kept me going, I was emotionally dead inside and, to put it bluntly, I lost my humanity... I had no reason to care anymore.

Although my ex and I had stayed together platonically for the next 3 years, with empty promises that things would change, he ended up suckering a new sugar momma he found off the internet into a relationship out of the blue.

It was the best thing he ever did for me.

Shortly after his unexpected departure, I ran into someone who, oddly enough, turned out to be a soul mate. With him, he brought the tools that would change my life... I had never even heard of the 12 steps, until he entered my life.

Unfortunately, I (deservedly) lost him, his wisdom, support and friendship - because instead of finding the willingness to start making some changes for me, I was still living in denial.

My own toxic behavior cost me what could've been the greatest and healthiest friendship I ever had.

That was nearly two years ago.

It took literally months to get out of my denial and get honest with myself. I mean really honest with myself.

If, at times, I seem like I'm being harsh or overly critical of myself, I might be in some ways. However, I cannot afford to pop a pacifier in my ego's mouth and cause myself to believe soothing thoughts without facing the reality of my behavior.

I did mention that I was a mental sadomasochist after all didn't I?

As difficult as it can be to face the truth sometimes, brutal honesty is the best way for me to step back and find value in criticism that I'll actually pay attention to. And it's made me come to see why I've lost friendships I've valued, and my own children...and why people have coldly called me a "martyr and victim", and that I "like being used and abused".

Actually, it was the brother of my ex, whom I tried to have an actual friendship with recently, initially say that.

Well no more!!

Because now I realize I don't deserve to be...

I know that one day I'll have to make an amends to my ex - as well as to my soul mate... One day, I pray, I will be worthy enough to see my boys again and do the same.

Tags: Reflective