As much as I'm all for brutal honesty laced with sardonic humor (yes, I'm one of those mental sadomasochists) who delights in defeating the purpose when it comes to changing the things I can change.
Case in point, my isolation.
I know I'm not the most social person in the world and I don't often think about this sad fact when interacting with others. More often than not, I'll do or say something that can make any neurotic genius, like Einstein, scratch their head.
While doing more work for Step 4 earlier today, I was trying to recollect just how many different schools I've been put in and pulled out of in just my elementary years alone... Not including the number of times I went to the same school again (and again) at some point later on.
I stopped counting at 17.
In jr. high, I had gone to 3 more schools and had 4 different tutors appointed to me by the school district, before having gotten pregnant and dropped out before I was of legal age. This does not include having been extremely sheltered and months of absenteeism during those years, among some other things I am hesitant to address publicly.
Even though I love learning, I am academically handi-crapped. Studying for my GED, which I've done extremely little of, is going to prove to be a challenge in and of itself.
Since I haven't sat behind a desk in an educational environment in nearly 22 years, surprisingly isn't what intimidates me. It's math in particular.
Every time I look at a math problem, my eyes become unfocused and wonder what the hell do I need to know this stuff for? It's not like I'm going to become a rocket scientist in a literal sense... And when I start to think about having to learn the complexity of numbers (since there is literally no end to it), I feel like I'm having to learn a dead language from scratch.
Hey... They didn't have much luck deciphering Egyptian until they discovered the Rosetta stone.
Other than the academic issue that I am getting my panties in a bunch, the other part is the social issue.
The other night, and for no particular reason whatsoever, I decided to do a little web surfing. Specifically I was looking for any success stories on solitary recovery.
I wondered, "Is it really possible to do this on my own?"
As irony would have it, I did find a story initially in A.A.'s early publishing about an alcoholic living in the west during Alcoholics Anonymous' infancy.
I thought, WOW! ...Until I got to the end when they had sent the westerner a bus ticket to personally listen to his success story.
It was a blow to my over-inflated ego to know the man had relapsed during his trip to New York.
After reading that, I've done alot of pondering. Or, perhaps, biased reasoning...
Yes- having the support of others, and even a sponsor, would be much to my benefit. That part I do acknowledge and am willing to do.
With the holidays and the weather, the usual stuff I do that keeps me busy has slowed down considerably. In a way it's a good thing as it finally gives me more time to do what I've been needing to do, which is focus on the steps more. However, since I don't drive and I'm literally broke as a joke, I'm still unable to make it to 4 whopping CoDA meetings they have a week here.
Since everyone I know is busy with their own lives to bum a ride at least once or twice, until I get to meet and know people (and yes, I've pestered them about it), I'm kinda s.o.l. ...at least for the time being.
BTW- it's rather daunting, considering all the work I've done already, to be told, "Why do you wanna change yourself for?"
Anyhoo... I may not have wheels, which is probably better because I couldn't afford it anyway, I do have one thing that poor dude living in the west during the early days of A.A. didn't - the internet!
Of course I can't exactly learn how to be social until I start interacting in all aspects, especially aspects I hate... Namely crowds. I have to learn (all over again apparently) how to communicate, but with honesty, instead of putting my feelings on the back burner all the friggin time.
Man, it sucks being a people pleaser only to end up being a doormat. 
Perhaps the best Christmas gift I can give to myself -- and the best amends I can make to myself, as well as those I can't make direct amends to...is change the things I can, and do it one step at a time...
Happy Holidays !!
Tags: Comfortable
