You guys have been so wonderful and supportive to me, despite that I have become such an introverted slacker...mostly out of shame from my relapse...that I've found it difficult to offer much support during the trials and tribulations in your own recovery. Hence why I've found myself backing off from just about everything in order to regroup.

However, I did find the answer I was so desperately looking for. If you read my last blog entry, then you are already aware of the problem that I was struggling with.

Judging myself.

Late last night, after I posted that particular blog entry, I was reading over a (real life) friend's philosophical musings. He was basically wanting to know 'why we ask why we're asking why we're here' in short.

Even though I feel embarrassed for offering my personal revelation, after having had emailed my take on it, I was glad I did. For it reminded me of something I had lost when I had regressed on the progress I had been making when I relapsed over my fear of losing my mom.

I was so disappointed in myself for backsliding that it never occurred to me... That in judging myself, I was not being loving of myself. For if I cannot give what I don't have, how can I love God?

I must learn how to treat and accept myself lovingly. Only then will I be able to understand more of God, His Loving nature, and His Will for me.

I can kick myself for my shortsightedness, or I can accept that loving myself is key -- key to loving and accepting others; key to opening my heart to trust and love God...and to surrender my will and my life to Him!

This was the answer I needed and to accept so I can move onto Step 3, finally.

Since I've been pretty much working solitary on this spiritual journey of 'working' the steps, and despite my slow progress, I realize now that I have had to learn... Come to accept, in my own way and in my own time that works, for me.

Hence "coming to believe" (Step 2).

Now I know what that 'voice' in my head was meaning. "Quit judging me." ... Being overly critical and judgmental to myself isn't being loving. Just as it isn't being loving when I'm being judgmental and critical of others.

Sure, there are two cliches that we so often hear, which is perhaps the most profound truths... "Love yourself" and "God is Love". However, they are only enlightened words that we so often intellectualize within the mind. Only it makes the difference when the heart listens to these noble truths and becomes accepting.

Accepting and deserving of itself, which has hated itself for so long...

In closing, I'd like to share an epiphany I had this morning:

"I can intellectualize and reason my way out of a box.
But I must first accept that I am in it." -me

Tags: Wonderful