I need to get this out before my head explodes...

A couple of years ago, my mother and I would go donate plasma together. It's standard procedure to be weighed in, and have your pulse and blood pressure taken before you're allowed to donate, which is good too because I have watched people suddenly throw up or pass out.

Little did we know, that said standard procedure would be key in saving my mom's life.

Twords the end of September of 2005, her blood pressure became elevated until, finally, it was so high they had to turn her away.

This was also about the time where she was in pre-menopause.

She had gone to the doctor, initially for something to help lower her blood pressure. However, with all the blood work they had done, showed something else... She had signs of congestive heart failure, and promptly sent her to a cardiologist to do a stress test.

Ironically enough, she has the same cardiologist as her mother - my grandmother, who also has congestive heart failure... A hereditary disease that strikes the family women just before or during active menopause.

The initial stress test proved inconclusive. So a nuclear stress test was ordered.

The test revealed a 98% blockage just above the left anterior descending artery, ajacent to the branches beneath.

Needless to say, I did not take this news very well either.

You can get an idea of the area from the image below.

The medicated stent they placed seems to still be holding as of her last checkup less than a month ago, although they found two more areas with blockage that need stents.

For the past couple weeks, mom's been exhausted. Even the doctor says she's put on about 8 pounds of swelling and gave her pills to reduce the water retention, which, thankfully helped.

Last week, it seemed she was doing better, but... That seemed to have merely lasted for a couple of days.

Every day I try to check up on her. When I called last evening, she was so out of breath just by talking on the phone for less than a minute.

Last night, she sent me an email...

Hi honey, I hope I wasn't rude when you called, I just don't have the breath to talk. I've been this way since last night. I really don't want to go to the hospital since I have congestive heart failure and there is nothing that can be done until Friday. I do go see my other doctor on Thursday, she might be able to tell me if I had a mild heart attack. Anyway, I'll just be glad when Friday get's here, as this has dropped me to my knees, I have have NEVER been so weak. I love you and don't worry, I will go to the ER if I need to.

This whole thing has left me panicked to the point where I've been backsliding in my recovery, and even contemplated giving up on the whole thing.

I've been praying - trying to let go and let God. Only the fear of the possibility of losing my mother has become utterly intense, and very irrational. So much so, I found myself begging, pleading and bargaining with God due to my selfishness.

It this same sh*t that brought me seeking recovery in the first place, only now I'm being confronted with abandonment issues and losing the ability to cope...along with everything I've learned.

This isn't without it's own sense of irony, however, as when I opened "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon" to today's inspirational reminder, it talked of the importance of prayer and being mindful of resisting God's knowledge by assuming I know what I want or what is best for me.

How do people deal with something like this without falling backward in recovery? Or giving up?

Tags: Depressed