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Stumbling Block
Posted On: 09/20/2007 03:48:39
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I realize I should be blogging more often than I do. Especially on this one.
Truth is I've been burned out for months because when you've got more than one blog, they all come to feel like an obligation. Not to mention I've lost several 'friends' (many I've known for years) due to my lack of social interest with their's as well.
Eh, perhaps I am having an off day and I don't even realize it.
Some days I find myself being overloaded on a spiritual high, that I sometimes wonder if I'm manic (but in a good way). Then I start coming down for a 'break', which lasts two or three days before I find myself pulling out the Big Book.
Being bipolar, this 'coming down' process isn't like the typical crash and burn going from a manic episode and rapidly decending into the depressive stage. Instead, it's more like switching from a spiritual mindset to a more grounded, logical one.
One of my biggest bad habits that I have is that I have a tendancy to analyze things to death. To the point of redundancy. This is not a healthy habit to have by any means, and I can see how relapses can happen... By being stuck in your head.
Now I've made it pretty clear that another one of my favorite, yet worst vice is that I happen to loooooove to isolate. It has never been a secret that I simply am not a very social person. To be honest, I'm not real sure if it's because my mental and emotional faculties tend to get overwhelmed and overstimulated, or that I've become a habitual introvert due to my PTSD.
Irregardless, the fact remains isolation causes me to be stuck in my head, and therefore the cycle of irrational thinking starts spinning like a freight train with a turbo engine.
This is the cycle I'm on now... The logical, however, analytical one.
For the past three days I have been working on trying to find the pattern of my inability for letting things go, and while having had discovered the answer, I became emotionally disconnected in the process.
I noticed one of my hurdles of getting to step 4, and beyond, is having to remember and relive all the emotional baggage.
That is when I put my book and my journal down, and the mobius loop of irrational thinking begins. Namely, avoidance.
When it comes to this self defeating problem of mine, friends in A.A. and N.A. have suggested to me all kinds of things: "Fake it until you make it," "Start by forgiving yourself first," "The steps are in order for a reason," "Let go and let God." ... And my personal favorites: "How's it working out for you?" and "Are you willing to do anything it takes?"
Man, those last two is like catching a left hook to the face while caught off guard. Of course that left hook being something I cannot argue with, which is the truth.
Despite the fact that I've been taking the time to get to know myself, and actually like myself (I guess there is some wisdom to being one's own friend after all), the fact of the matter remains... I am going to have to open that can of worms if I expect to clean my side of the street - via the steps.
As much as I'm willing to do anything for my personal recovery, I cannot seem to bring myself to face those deeply buried emotions.
Is there anyone who has any suggestions that might help me get past this? 
Tags: Disappointed
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