It's late and it has been ages since I've blogged ... and even longer since I wrote a serious one. But tonight/this morning won't be that time. Or at least I'm not real sure.

Since my video card brought the farm on my main computer, I've been rather preoccupied giving my backup a badly needed overhaul. Come to think of it, it probably would've been quicker if I had simply reformatted.

But - eh... I'm a certifiable geek who insists on doing everything the hard way.

Actually, I'm not exactly sure just how true the above statement was. Is it some paradoxical issue I create for myself due to my bipolar disorder? Or could it be I'm still clinging to Einstein's definition of insanity like a life preserver?

I guess the discovery to that question will come further into my recovery...

Also, I failed to mention in my introductory blog is that I happen to be a self proclaimed 'goth'. I don't mean one of those posers who's borderline emo...where wearing a corset over your dress is considered a historical trend, writing self-absorbed and whiny poetry over at Starbucks, bi-sexuality is more accepted as mainstream rather than being a form of an identity crisis, and Prosac is considered to be a status symbol. Rather, I'm one of those old schoolers who considers goth to be a state of mind and not a dress code.

The reason why I brought that *ahem* insignificant rant up is because I haven't used my backup computer since... Since... Uh, since I forget when. However, the point being is that I was surprised to see all the 'dark' and sarcastic images I've kept for use as blogs, comments and whatnot -- and how much my attitude twords, well, pretty much everything in general...has changed since I decided to get serious in making some changes within myself.

To give you an idea, I had real issues with "God". It was bad enough I had the wrong attitude in thinking that my perception of a Higher Power hated me and all my "troubles" was some sort of a cosmic joke. To top that all off, my equally sick and codependent ex of 12 years happens to be one of those annoying Christian fundamentalist types. A real zealot if you will.

Everyday I had to hear his fire and brimstone sermons, and how I was going to hell and blah, blah, blah... This does things to your mind when you're yearning for oblivion because you despise yourself as it is and having to hear the voice of condemnation day in and day out.

Don't get me wrong as I wasn't always like this as I was raised with Christian and spiritual beliefs.

Needless to say, Step 1 was easy... I had no problem admitting my life was beyond unmanagable even though it had been long past since hitting rock bottom. Only denial and depression was ever present.

That, folks, was a tough part to get past...

Step 2 I wrestled with for months. It took what seems like forever before I settled on a concept that would get me by. "Fake it until you make it," was what my friend/ex-neighbor suggested.

As good as his advice was, at the time, it still wasn't good enough for me. Letting things go is something I don't readily do, or easily.

Instead I pondered and analyzed, just trying to figure out what is [my perception of] God. Not to mention I was having to get all that preachy conditioning by my ex out of my head. It was a hurdle that was keeping me from getting to the next step, and it was supposed to be a Higher Power of my own understanding.

Mind you, I've been working the steps on my own and without the guidance of a sponsor. Perhaps it's not the best idea, but for me, it's workable for the moment.

Anyhoo...

During that time, something must've clicked.

For someone who's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and having been on who knows how many different medications (and thus my goal has been to manage without the drugs screwing with my emotions, my memory, my body and my personality ... among other things), and who's moods cycle rapidly like a never-ending rollercoaster -- I have been told that my cycling is almost...but not quite...as level as when I was taking the medication.

Not only can I say there is something profound and life changing about the steps no matter if you work them with a sponsor or solitary as I do, but there is also a kind of healing power that stretches beyond recovery of our addictions.

Is this faith?

I honestly can't say that I have an answer to that. What I can say is that I don't 'feel' much of a need or an attachment to the darkest sides of myself. Instead, when I gaze upon those images that takes up space on my harddrives, not only do I still find a sense of beauty in the broken, but I don't feel as if I can connect with that part of myself any longer. Just having come to that recent realization seems strange, yet profound to me somehow.

Tags: Tired