Yep, back again. Brand new box of crayons and clean paper. I get to babble a while until nappy time...
When I got to the point that I had to stop drinking the only thing I expected was that somehow, some way I would. Stop drinking, that is. A short time later, being an anal-retentive engineer, I had it all planned out from start to finish. With steps (and there wasn't 12 of them) and checkpoints along the way.
Never got to first base...
AA got in my way...
Needless to say all my well designed markers for progress got flushed. Along with my perfect plans, the triumphant return to glory and kudos from all my admirers. The only things left was the horrible feeling that my way wasn't going to work (again) and the idea that life wasn't being very fair. Crap. Being a know-it-all sucks when you don't know squat.
I was told right from the first by a lot of people (probably closet drinkers, I figured) that the way they did it worked for them. You know, doing those 12 simple steps, getting a sponsor, going to meetings.
What they didn't say was the steps were simple, but not easy, you would end up telling your sponsor things you wouldn't tell a priest and you could start out with with 90 meetings in 90 days.
Whoopie...
So - careful review of the facts back then:
I had to stop drinking or die.
My plan to stop sucked.
Theirs apparently didn't - at least for them.
OK - I figured at this point I had one of two options. The AA way (takes a while) or a short miserable life followed by a dirt nap. I wasn't really into short and miserable, so I decided to try their way.
Guess what? It worked. But not the way I expected. Admittedly, I have not had a drink for a while, nor do I have any desire to. Dont want it, don't miss it, don't hate it, just don't care about it in that way. It's all the other things that have happened (and not happened) to me because of the fellowship and those twelve simple steps.
The facts as I see them now:
I spend each day not drinking.
I can look at myself in a mirror.
I have learned it is OK to be wrong.
I have a buddy - His name is Jesus Christ.
I learned that humility is a gift from God.
I have learned that crying is not unmanly. It's OK to hurt.
I now know that nobody can take what I have away from me - only I can throw it away.
Enough of that. The list goes on.
If one takes a close look at then and now there is an AA adage in all this prattle: "You can plan the trip - but don't bother planning where you end up". Often I had (and at time still do have) specific expectations as to people, places, things and events. Bad, bad idea for this drunk. Every thing went all wrong because it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Even if it went right - it wasn't done my way. WAAAH.
OK, enough drama. Bottom line. If I allow unfulfilled expectations to run my life, I end up with well fulfilled anger and resentments galore. Followed eventually by a pile of amends to make.
The neat thing about this is when I don't plan the outcome, He usually makes it turn out pretty darn good for all concerned. So it is a good thing for me to remember to do the footwork and then sit back and watch His handiwork...
And all I expected was to stop drinking - my God, how blind I am...
Nuff said,
Dennis
