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Peversion of a concept?

Posted On: 01/12/2008 09:10:22

My wife and I have been talking about and working on a supposed problem in her life for quite a while now. It is an issue called "co-dependency". Now the Free Online Dictionary defines it as:

co-de·pen·dent or co·de·pen·dent (kd-pndnt)

adj.

1. Mutually dependent.

2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.

One who is co-dependent or in a co-dependent relationship.

At the AlAnon meetings everyone told her that she had to be co-dependent because I was a drunk, so she was sick and in denial. After about 3 months of this crap we sat down and talked about it and I decided to read the book "Co-dependency No More". We talked some more and started doing research on codependency and it's history.

Co-dependency was originally conceived to describe a person that interfered with the recovery of an alcoholic or addict to maintain control of that person (the second definition above) or the status quo regarding their relationship.

Somewhere in the late 80's and early 90's some rocket scientists decided that there was money to be had if everyone could be convinced they were co-dependent and that it was a bad thing.

And the beat goes on. The popular coffee table psychobabble books have perverted the idea of co-dependency to the point where we all fit the second definition. The real issue for me is that these perverted concepts are being used by professionals to diagnose and recommend treatment for a psychological disease that quite possibly does not exist for a given person.

Using the current psychcobabble the bottom line on this is:

My wife and I are co-dependent and will require expensive professional help for the rest of our lives.

Using the original model the bottom line on this is:

My wife and I in love and will stay that way for the rest of our lives. And some shrink will have to find another way to make the mercedes payment

Now, be assured that I am not trying to trash anyone's cherished beliefs. I found this study to be interesting and informative. It also eased my wife's concerns regarding a supposed critical issue in our relationship.

I felt that mayhaps others would be interested in our findings, so here is a link to a site that has some food for thought on that subject and a few other related to addictions: http://www.habitsmart.com/cdpnt.htm. There is also a links page in the main site that carries some very good references on this and other points of interest.

Everyone have wonderful day...

Dennis

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Viewing 1 - 3 out of 3 Comments

From: DisgruntledGurl

01/14/2008 04:20:19

Thanks for the link... I've bookmarked it to read later.

The way I perceive codependency is to be dependent in an unhealthy way... Whether it be psychological, addiction, abuse, whatever... As well as how we cope within such a dysfunctional environment. (Much like you said regarding habits on a comment you wrote on another person's blog... dependency can become an unhealthy habit.)

However, on the flip side, codependency can be healthy too. Like the definition stated, "mutually dependent". Not all couples know how to have a healthy relationship that is interdependent. (links to freedictionary's definitions)

A friend once told me 3 things happen in relationships, and only 3:
1 People get healthy together
2 People get sick together or unhealthy
3 People split apart

Anyhoo, thanks for the insight. Hope ya don't mind me sharing my 2¢. :)

From: sober91807

01/12/2008 15:51:04 Thank you for some clarification. Both me and my husband have been diagnosed as co- dependent. We are both in recovery and were pretty much told because we are alcoholics we are co-dependent.

From: byGrace

01/12/2008 11:43:23

Hi Dennis -

My experience with the co-dependency label was interesting also. My wife and I went to counseling long ago because of some problems that she was having. Since her behavior was labeled addictive, then I was told that I must be codependent and started going to CODA meetings in the adjacent room (this was in the late 1980s). Through those meetings I was finally , eventually able to admit my problems with pornography. It was a long road after that to find "sobriety", but that is another story. Thankfully my wife and I are also still together, still working on getting a better and better life away from addictive behaviors. In the process we have only grown closer to each other. In the process I have had to learn that there was some codependency in me in the sense that I had to learn how to set healthy boundaries with my wife. Living with another's addiction is not easy to do it right. But it goes both ways and every time that my boundaries were violated it has been (or should have been) a lesson in how my own addictive behavior affected others. The bottom line is that I cannot get rid of my codependency until I get rid of my own addictions. And as, by the grace of God, I get rid of my own addictions and become stronger and more capable, then my wife seems to be able to handle hers better also.

So, in summary, I guess I would say that I think that a codependent label has its place in certain circumstances and can be helpful in certain circumstances. But I agree with you that the label has been misused, often for the sake, as you say, of professionals who could not find the real reasons for behaviors or, worse, of those who wanted to line their pockets with the trend of the day. So may your spouse and you live in love and peace. Personally I think that it is a great relationship when we end up being thankful for each other.

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