Wilma puts it simply as to why it may be harmful for your wife to be the other 'human being' you choose for your work on step 5, although Dennis and Tina have great expansions on this explanation. I would also like to add that the purpose of this step is to hold back nothing.
12 & 12 ("Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions") points out that we may need to share "facts that no others ought to know" and suggests someone who is experienced...i.e. sponsor, another meeting member/someone involved in recovery, doctor, clergyman/pastor/rabbi/etc, (mental health) counselor, even a stranger. p.60-62
Although I'm not quite ready for this step yet, I prefer that whatever individual I choose is not only someone I trust implicitly, but someone whom I don't owe an amends.
Your fourth step has a twofold purpose - to list your moral inventory (both bad and good) and how that inventory has affected your relationships with people. The moral inventory is gone over with a chosen person during your fifth step.
The information from your fourth is also used to make out an eighth step list of people you owe amends to. What the amend entails is dependent on each individual. Generally speaking, you spouse is usually on that list.
Listing out all the things you have done, saying you are sorry and promising never to do them again is not an amend - but it can be a good way to get some unneeded excitement in your life. The two suggestions below are very good. Remember that amends are actions in opposition to previous actions, not just words. Hurting someone unnecessarily is definitely not an amend - but it does give you cause to make another amend.
end of page 80 and beginning of 81 of the BB, It tells exactly how to make amends in the case of infidelity. If this is the case. It says, ..."should we tell her? Not always, we think." You need to talk to a male sponsor for sure about the details. If the sponsor has some sobriety he can guide you as to how much to say.
