Well I went to my meeting and I shared how I felt and cried all the way through which was a bit strange because I never cry in public, at times I want to and can’t but it all came out last night.
Over the last eighteen months I have gone from ‘I won’t talk to all those nasty men’ to sponsoring one (thankfully I never felt a tweak of desire for him) and being open enough to talk with the ones who wanted to on the phone. It isn’t appropriate for all of them, I am a danger to them just as they are to me. But I did think that if they were not attracted to me they would be ok. As is my sponsor but I keep coming back to the fact that being alone with a man is and always was devastating for me. I can’t trivialise that.
I’m learning about boundaries, I took home a good book last night.
And I have the most experienced person in the group as my sponsor, he is brilliant, but he is a man. I do need to set boundaries, many of the others are less experienced than I am, you have no idea how small and transient the groups are here.
I’m glad I am not alone and there are people on this site who can listen to my rants and raves and not judge or try to fix me, just gently encourage.
Lostsoul73 you were spot on. Pieces are what I am picking up, I don’t give up. There is a way to continue with that relationship without triggering my addiction and I am going to find it.
Thank you too Donovan, I need to be gentle with myself more often everyone says that.
I didn’t cross any lines, I didn’t act out, these were just feelings, and this too will pass. Thank you all.
