Last friday I passed my sobriety date for the first time. I didn't hear any fanfares, didn't really have time to consider it much but it seems that it was important to me.

In SAA we set our own standards for sobriety by defining the activities which are healthy for us, slightly less healthy but still admissible and those which are absolutely not.  My absolutely nots are;

• Sexual activity or sex-based relationship with anyone other than my husband.
  
• Deliberately continuing an obsession once I realise what it is.
• Serious flirting which would be seen by someone else to be an invitation to sexual activity.

Those are the behaviours that I have had a years sobriety from.  My sobriety date was set on the day I ended a relationship which had been sexual but had not been operative for some time.  It still took me some weeks to get up the courage to sever the emotional connection and tell him it was over. But I did.

And since then I have been regularly to meetings, worked six and a half steps and surprisingly it has been the third of those behaviours which has been the hardest to avoid.  I have nearly gone there a couple of times but I am glad to say managed to avoid going too far.

I had a temporary sponsor at this time last year who is a permanent sponsor now because I just have not found anyone better to replace him.

At this time last year I was particularly full of fear about having to be so candid about sex with so many men.  I looked forward eagerly to being able to welcome other women into my group but sadly those who have come along have not stayed as I have. However somewhere along the line I began to get genuinely fond of these guys. And I have ended up sponsoring one, on a temporary basis but it seems to be going to plan.

Who's plan?  Well that was the biggest discovery of the year that the God I had been desperately struggling to worship for some time had a plan for my life which apparently included recovery and that I could trust Him completely.  I'm still working on that one but it is getting better.

I'm hoping that the next year can bring as many changes as last year did.  I know that there are a lot of things still to tackle.  In fact more than I thought a year ago because my acting out behaviours were blinding me to the truth about my life.

I am thankful for this year and mostly for the interesting people that I have met and got to know and who have collectively helped me more than they could possibly know. My biggest regret is that I cannot share more widely with people the riches of recovery but maybe that might come in time.

What I do now accept is that somewhere along the line recovery has become my life and my mission and I get the feeling that might be the case for some time to come.  It might mean that my life is going to change a bit but that might not be a bad thing either and I am looking forward to it. Cara

Tags: Reflective