09/25/2007 07:07:43

fantasy is real and healthy to a point.  The question I ask myself is "why am I having this certain fantasy?"  What is it that I am trying fill?  I may have posted it previously, but I found out that in order to change the things we do (behavior) we must first change the way we think.  I have changed my behavior before, but it never stuck, because I still thought the same way.  Because of that, the things I did (and didn't do) came back eventually.  It wasn't until I truly started looking at what I was thinking and why I was thinking it, did I see a lasting change start to take place.  At first, I didn't realize what I was thinking, and that caused me problems.  It ruined a relationship with the one person I genuinely love.

When I finally came to realize that I couldn't do this on my own and turned myself over to God to lift me up, I started being able to look at it truthfully and began to see the thought patterns behind it.  When I started my 4th step, that is what really started to open my eyes.  I had a slow start because it was new.  I started working on harms that I had caused, but then I started to add structure to what I was doing.  I found a great book that helped me, Hunger for Healing.  It provided that structure I needed to not only get those things out,but to examine what was really going on behind the behavior (what I was thinking and in some cases why).  I have been building on that new found knowledge, and because I have an honest want to change.  I really always did, but because I couldn't get past the starting gate I would get frustrated.  Once I did get going in earnest, it was amazing how well it works.  My self worth returned, my self respect returned.  As that was happening, it changed the way I was thinking.  Getting closer to God, allowed me to develop a new perspective in life, others, adn especially myself and that was exactly what I needed to change the way I was thinking and what it is I think about.

I still fantasize, but they seem to be much more healthy fantasies, if not just positive thoughts for positive things for me in my life.

 

 

09/25/2007 03:41:45

I imagine once you've gotten further into doing the step work, that those changes from within your head will happen naturally.

These awesome ladies have already pointed out some pretty good stuff already, so the only suggestion I can even offer is to give it to God when you find yourself stuck in these moments. Believe me, it does wonders!

Hang in there and don't give up! 

09/25/2007 00:09:15

Mostly fantasies for me have always been more about character than really looks. That is just me...in other words, I would fantacize about what a person would SAY to me, HOW they would react to me, touch me, etc.... If this is where your desires come from....maybe you could talk them through with your husband. And maybe you can try seeing him as the one saying these things, touching in a certain way, etc...when he isn't there. Role play is the greatest ;)

Problem is...majority of the time fantasies are meant to be imagined and not played out, just because the way we imagine a person to be in our heads is based on how we would want to be treated, spoken to, touched, etc....and in reality the person's real personality damages all that for us. Maybe you feel you are missing something that you feel would validate you emotionally, sexually, or otherwise? That is where my fantacies all came from - the need to be (you fill in the blank here - recognized, lusted after, sexy in someone's eyes, someone's everything, ETC)

I may not be grasping your issue completely, just some random thoughts...best of luck to you and your marriage!!

09/24/2007 20:05:10

I used to fantasize about someone else as well, but now I just fantasize about my dude just really being into it.  I love my dude, he's a butt head at times, but I am happy with him and content.  I don't want to be with anyone else.  I am comfortable with me and with us -- AA helped me learn this.  We have been together almost 7 years and I have been sober over 4.  I could have easily gotten out of this relationship, but that's quitting.  AA taught me not to quit.  I see the positive now and am happy with what I have.  I have quit running.  Acceptance is key.  God bless and good luck.

09/24/2007 19:28:38

i dont' know cara.  i used to fanatasize about someone besides my husband all the time.  then i came into AA.  i believe if i find myself 'dreaming' of something better, i'm escaping and not dealing with what is real.  today i'm working on what i have.  keeping something takes effort.  especially if they have legs and can walk away.  if i don't like what is real or what i have......well i better pray.  for acceptance of what i have and cannot change, courage to change what i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

best of luck to you.