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And now for something totally different… I still hate my job!!! I had my first and last performance improvement plan meeting today. The HR rep was there and we talked about the ongoing saga of whether my performance has declined and/or I have missed key deadlines or not. The bottom line is that I didn’t just shrug my shoulders and take it. I said what I had to say and my boss backed down. In fact, by the time the meeting was over, the performance improvement plan became a written warning regarding my ‘tardiness’. I know you can’t see me so I’ll just let you know that my eyes are rolling!!! When my boss sat there and said that he thought I could get more done if I worked from 9 to 5:30, I flat out disagreed with him. I told him that I wouldn’t be able to get any more done by working 9 to 5:30 than I working 10:30 to 7. He had nothing to say. When the HR rep asked him if I was meeting my deliverables, he said that I was. When he suggested that they reword it, she suggested that they just take the part about my performance out completely. I’m not happy about the written warning, but I think that if any prospective employers were to find that warning and the one about having my realtor in the office during business hours I could explain it – especially as Dennis suggested if I tell them to look at the dates of the warnings and the date that my position is being eliminated. I think any reasonable person will be able to see that they are playing games with me and doing whatever they can to get out of their end of our contract. In other words, they don’t want to give me my retention bonus and my severance. Now that we are finished with the crap, I just have to make sure I drag my tired butt in here by 9 o’clock everyday. I am not a morning person so yeah – 9 AM is tough. Even the HR rep said that my cubicle is in a bad spot – right outside of the VP’s office. I’m the person he sees and hears. Everyone else might be doing everything I’m doing and more, but he sees and hears me so I’m the one who pays for it. The HR rep knows that no one really ‘works’ every minute that they are here, but I’m visible. Yeah, I’m glad this is ending soon. In my mind, it can’t end soon enough. There are plenty of people that I will miss. I have made a lot of friends and acquaintances over the years. I will miss a lot of them, but life goes on and for me life will go on when I leave here. There is life beyond this place! Anyway, thanks again for listening to me whine and complain about all of this for the last week and a half.
Tags: Calm Content Peaceful
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Ranting
Posted On 03/20/2008 21:42:04
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Have I mentioned how much I hate my job? Actually, it isn't my job - it's my employer. My boss said that I misunderstood what he said when he said that my performance hasn't really declined significantly. OMG!!! He is such a liar!
I can sleep at night - can he? I can look at myself in the mirror and not cringe at the person looking back - can he?
A friend of mine told me that he was in a meeting recently where at least two different people were singing my praises about reports and other work I had done for them. My friend tried to get a look at the face of my boss's boss, but couldn't see him. Anyway, he said that he thought he would let me know what was said since it was unlikely that anyone else would.
There are a lot of things that don't seem to make sense, but sometimes they don't have to. I trust that God has a plan and that it's a good one - even if I don't understand it.
Thanks for listening to my rant.
Tags: OK
It’s been an interesting day. I spoke to my supervisor about my write up from the other day. He pretty much backed down on most things and said something like, "This whole thing got kind of blown out of proportion, but you know how things get when other people get involved." I knew that he meant his boss – the VP of the area. He was my boss at one time too. Actually, when I first started working in this department, the VP wasn’t the VP, he was the assistant director. At that time we got along really well. In fact, my first couple of performance reviews were glowing! Somewhere along the line, something happened. I’m not sure what it was, but boy oh boy do we ever butt heads. I sit just outside of his office so he can hear pretty much everything I say. I admit that I have made personal calls, surfed the net and had personal conversations. So does everyone else. The difference is that I sit right outside of his office and I am the one that he hears. When I saw him in my supervisor’s office the other day, I knew he was the one behind everything even though my supervisor was doing the talking. My supervisor didn’t come out and say that is what happened, but he didn’t have to. My supervisor said a lot of things today. Some things he came right out and said while other things he was able to say without saying it outright. When our conversation was over, I took my response to HR and spoke to our department’s HR rep. When I told her the things that he said to me, she did a double take and started taking notes. I told her that I don’t want to put words in his mouth so she said that she will follow up with him. I’m not counting on anything, but there is a chance that what actually ends up in my personnel folder will be different than what was handed to me on Tuesday. I hate confrontations. I really do. My body acts all weird. I get shaky and feel like I want to cry. But I stood my ground today. I wish I had the guts to have done it on Tuesday, but I wanted to go back and check my records. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t saying something that wasn’t true or that I couldn’t back up. Still, I said what I had to say to my supervisor. At the end of the conversation when he said that he hoped there would be no animosity or bad feelings between us or anyone else in the department, I told him that I thought what was handed to me was pretty harsh and that I had a pretty bad taste in my mouth as a result. Though I wish I had stood up for myself on Tuesday, I’m still proud of myself for going back to him today. I didn’t want to do it and as little as 6 months ago, I would have just taken what was handed to me. Of course, Monday could be another story entirely. The VP could very well be back in the office. It is possible that when he catches wind of what happened today, he won’t be happy. He is an ex marine and has a very intimidating manor about him. I know he intimidates me and I have seen him intimidate others. I guess I just have to be a big girl and do what ever I have to do for the good of my family’s future. A couple of days ago I was so hurt. Today I am still not comfortable, but I feel like the worst of the write up has been toned down. Regardless of what ends up in my personnel folder, I know in my heart that while I may have faults, I still do my job and I do it well. What is in my heart is far more important to me than what is on paper. Man looks at the outside, but God looks at the heart.
Tags: Peaceful Vindicated
I hate being in a funk. I fought so long and so hard to get out of the pit of despair that I refuse to be bullied back into it. Let the old tapes play in my head – they won’t stop God from loving me. I may feel like crap, but God will still love me. And if God loves me then why should I feel like crap? I am just a lowly sinner, but I am a lowly sinner that God loves. I suffer from low self esteem and I have plenty of self hate issues. I have tons of shortcomings and flaws, etc., etc. I am a mess at best! And yet… God loves me. Though I seem to be so good at it, I really hate wallowing in self-pity. Yet sometimes it seems like I just have to get down on the ground and get good and dirty before I can get back up. It’s like I have to get really pathetic before I can muster up what it takes to snap out of it. I have written my response to HR and ran it past a trusted friend. When I told him I had been written up and what I was written up for, he rolled his eyes and then told me to get an attorney. After he read my response he made a couple of suggestions and now it is ready to be delivered. I think getting my response on paper has played a part in getting me out of my funk. I tried to deliver it to my division’s HR rep, but she wasn’t in her office. I will wait until tomorrow. Maybe I can review it with my supervisor before I officially turn it in. Anyway, I leave work in 15 minutes to go get my hair done. Though the process of getting my hair done is such a bore, I always like the final result. After beating myself up so mercilessly for the past couple of days, I think I should do something nice for myself for a change!
Thanks for listening to my lamentations for the past couple of days!
Tags: Peaceful
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Nothing
Posted On 03/13/2008 10:34:38
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Feelings of worthlessness and despair well up inside me. Sadness floods my soul and washes over me like the incoming tide. I feel paralyzed and yet I must keep moving. I carry the financial burdens of my family. While my husband is a good man, he is of little help in that respect. Somehow I must hold it all together. Daily my heart breaks for all of the opportunities I squandered. I feel like such a failure. And so I am haunted by failures of the past and the present. The voices in my head keep telling me that I’m not like other people and can’t have what they have. I know that all people have problems and I know that the problems of many people are far worse than mine. However, I take no solace in that knowledge. The baggage I carry is still quite heavy. I can’t tell you how many times I have cried out to God asking Him why he took my mother instead of me. I never get an answer though I still trust that there is one. Of course, when I am feeling as worthless as I feel now, it occurs to me that I wasn’t worth taking. Romans 8:35-39 (NIV) 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. No matter how I feel, nothing can separate me from the love of Christ!
Tags: Sad Defeated
Old habits die hard. Once I got in my car last night, the beatings began. I beat myself up so that I cried the whole way home from work. It is amazing how little flashbacks from my childhood can come back to haunt me, reminding me of who and what I am. By the time I got home, I was no good. My husband (bless his heart) brought my dinner to me and tried his best to comfort me. For the first time in a long time, I actually thought about drinking! After I ate, I just curled up in a ball and cried. I ended up crying myself to sleep. Today I look and feel awful – even through the make up. Why does it seem like the things that other people have just aren’t meant for me? I know this is just the same old tape of lies that I have replayed in my head for years. Still, some days it feels very real. I don’t like the old tapes that play in my head and make me feel bad, but it is familiar and so they play. I have a very good friend who has been there for me during some of my roughest times. He knows some of the things I had to do to make ends meet for my family. He was even there to help me. What hurts is when he makes jokes about some of those things. It cuts through me like a knife. For example, I built temporary walls to make a bedroom for my son in our two bedroom condo. He described it to someone at work as being ‘so ghetto’. He also made a comment that the location of my condo was great, but it wasn’t nearly big enough for him. He is single while I have two teens. Anyway, phrases like that have been added to the tape. I try to be content with what I have. I have started over from scratch a couple of times while he lived with his father until his late 20s to early 30s. I try to be comfortable with who and what I am and where I am in my life, but I can’t help feeling bad when someone who is supposed to be a close friend makes judgments about the vacations I take, the house I live in, the man I married, the kind of wedding we had, etc. I know I shouldn’t let things like that bother me, but it’s hard to let every comment just roll off my back. I like to act tough, but in reality I’m anything but tough. I have feelings that can be and do get hurt. And so, I take refuge in the Psalms… Psalm 71 (NIV) 1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame. 2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me. 3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress
Tags: Hurt Sad
What goes up must come down. I got a written warning today at work for bringing my realtor here last week so I could sign some papers. I was supposed to notify my supervisor instead of bringing her here unannounced. I escorted her from the lobby to our suite, worked with her in a work room with the door closed and escorted her back to the lobby when we were finished. I didn’t intend to breach security – which is why I escorted her. I didn’t intend to be disruptive – which is why we worked in a room with the door closed. I didn’t intend to violate any rules – I didn’t realize I had to notify anyone – I thought the precautions I took were reasonable. I also wasn’t trying to get away with anything as I used my ‘lunch break’ and wasn’t trying to hide the fact that she was here. In my opinion this all goes back to the fact that I did not agree to stay here until the revised conversion date. I’ve whined – I mean written – about this before. My position is being eliminated in May. Management changed their collective mind and offered us (there are 7) an addendum to stay until September. To make a long story short, we all felt like the VP of HR lied or at least deceived us. As such, the final date to accept the agreement came and went without a single signature. I have known my supervisor's boss for more than 10 years. In fact at one time, he was my boss. Anyway, my supervisor’s boss tends to take things personally and I think he is taking the fact that I didn’t sign personally. In truth, he never asked why I didn’t sign so as far as I know he doesn’t know. In truth, I don’t even know that it would make a difference if he did know. I still think he would take it personally. I have been here for nearly 16 years. In all that time I have NEVER gotten a written warning about anything. I honestly don’t believe that what happened last week warranted a written warning. I could understand it if my supervisor called me into his office to talk about what happened, the potential risks and what I should have done instead. But no – instead I got called into his office and there waiting for me was his boss and a representative from HR. Oh well. I am who I am. I have 2 ½ months to go and I will do my best to keep my nose clean – except for a bit of brown that might end up there (I hate brown nosing!!!). I will do my job and whatever else I have to so I make it to the end. I need to fulfill my end of the original agreement so they can fulfill theirs.
I have written an apology to go along with the warning. While I think the charges are trumped up, my apology is sincere. I want to sleep on it before I turn it in.
Even though I am frustrated, I still trust that God has a plan. God is good and He will provide. All I have to do is trust...
Thanks for listening to me vent my frustrations!!! I will get through this.
Tags: Frustrated
Yesterday at church I stopped to chat with one of the regulars. When he gave me a quick hug, I thanked him and told him that I needed it. He responded saying that with my smile I didn’t look like I needed it and that my ‘Irish eyes’ were showing. I don’t always think about the importance of a smile or how it affects me and others around me. I do try to smile especially when I’m out and about. It makes me feel good and many times, the smile is returned. If moods are contagious, I’d rather spread smiles than frowns. 
Tags: Reflective
It’s been a good week for me. I’m sober and still staying away from sweets. I’ve started paying more attention to what and how much I’m eating too. So far, so good. I tried a high-protein bread. At first I wasn’t sure about the taste, but now I really like it and it stays with me. My best friend is still in the hospital and still can’t have anything by mouth. OK – that part of my week sucks. I feel so bad for her. I just do what I can to support and help. Last night she was making a list of all the things she wants to eat when she gets out of the hospital. I’m on my way to getting rid of my condo. I’m so happy about that. I feel like I’m on top of a wave. Of course I don’t really know what that feels like – I’m just guessing! Well, happy Friday and have a wonderful, safe and sober weekend!
Tags: Reflective Peaceful
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