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When you get what you want in your struggles for self.
And the world makes you king for a day.
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
and see what the man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
whose judgement you must pass
the fellow whose verdict counts most in your life.
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think your a straight shooting chum.
And call you a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass saysyou're only
a bum. If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest.
For he's with you clear up to the end.
And you passed your most dangerous, difficult test.
If the man in the glass is your freind.
You may fool the whole worlddown thew pathway of life.
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears.
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

thanks to another freind of mine, i was introduced to that man in the glass. the man in the glass being the real me. and the friend that introduced us was GOD.
thank you father.

big hugs
billy

Tags: Poem

i've been messing around on the site on and off tonight . there's been something i wanted to get out, but really trying not to think about it. i was answering one of the topics in one of my groups. it was about those that didn't make it. sounds so impersonable how about those we love passing away. a young woman who was once a sponcee of my wifes committed suicide yesterday. she had just gotten her kids back a few weeks ago and she sounded real cheery and happy when i talked to her on wednsday. but i guess that was all a smoke screen. i kinda noticed she had been stepping away from recovery, and had a few slips. wow i had just seen her 2 weeks ago with her kids and she was so happy it seemed. man, how can someone so full of life and willingness just over 6 months ago. this desiese never ceases to show me exactly how cunning, baffeling and powerful it is. RIP baby girl rest with God now. know that there is alot of people here that love you.

sorry for such a blog but it had been eating at my brain all night.

love you guys
billy

i had the night off tonight and was having a hard time sleeping, so i decided to watch a little tv. well facing the giants was on(an awesome movie) so i watched it for like the 10th time. of course by the end i was bawling like a baby ( i allways do).anyways i figured out why i couldn't sleep. i've been stressing out over some things. mostly money. my wife got laid off and about the same time our rent got raised 100.00 a month. so i was pretty much in fear at the time.well the movie was pretty much about that subject (fear). one of the lines in the movie is "you do your best and you leave the results up to God." i think on page 420 of the bb it says something to that effect.well i guess tonight i lost sight of that message. i was stuck in my head, trying to figure out what else could i do. i guess i just needed something to snap me back into realising that i need to continue to do my best and leave the results up to HIM. besides i have no idea what miracle He has right around the corner for us. he has never failed to previde what we needed. fear has a twisted way of trying to shake faith. well sorry , NOT TODAY.

love ya guys

billy

Tags: Chistian

almost a year ago my wife and i both worked for an organization called church army. this is an organization that puts on 12 step workshops, common solution recovery classes{ also based on the 12 steps of aa}, spirituality classes{ such as whats so amasing about grace, the jesus i never knew, and 30 days to understanding the bible}, they have accoutability groups, life skills classes{ put on by university of missouri outreach}, case management, transitional housing, and finally church on sat. night.anyways a year and a half ago my wife and i started an extension in another county.  very rough at first, but started picking up. due to funding cuts we had to close the extension. my wife had to find another job. we still opened the office as much as we could on a voluntary basis. one day out of the blue we got a phone call telling us to bring in our keys. this came with no explanation or anything.we never got any word from the director. this hurt alot since this was a man which i held in high regard and loved alot. and i thought this love was returned. a couple weeks later we got word that the extension was re-opened. still no-one gave us a call. so i was pretty sore.we had put alot of effort into opening this extension and it was givin to someone else. after that my support to this organization was somewhat limited. at this point i also felt as though i had dome something wrong or that i hadn't put forth enough effort. i continued to talk to my sponcer who told me i need to go and talk to the director. that i couldn't afford to carry this around. but i avoided it. i was hurt deeply.truely locked in self. eventually through prayer i started presenting at workshops again and attending some of the classes and meetings there.but i still had this lump of coal in my heart.

on the 16 i was blessed with 4 yrs clean and sober. the day went by uneventful other than working 18 plus hours. but at 1130 that night who should show up at the detox door but the director. i remember thinking oh great this is exactly what i need. when in retrospect it really was what i need. after giving him a hug i invited him in. he was stopping by to drop off a card for someone he had talked to at church the night before. well a detoxer had gotten up that knew him and asked if they could speak and i said ok. i took this opportunity to go off to outside and pray. told my co-worker i was going to step outside. a minute or so later he came out and i asked if i could talk to him for a few minutes. he said sure. we had the talk that i should have had a year ago. i told him how i felt and why i felt that way. that it was no excuse for me carrying this anger around towards him,  and that i was truely sorry for not coming and talking to him. he told me that he should have handled that alot better. and he explained to me what all was going on at that point in time. he gave me a hug as we parted and i thought he was going to squeeze the life out of me. he said as we hugged it was never his intention to hurt someone he loved. and i could feel a big load lifted off me.

i can't think of any better gift God could have givin me on my sobriety birthday that an oppurtunity to cleanse my heart. and it was so amasing how it happened. like i said i avoided him for a year and then he just shows up out of the blue. thank you Father for knowing exactly whats best for me.

we are suppose to have dinner together in the next week. time to continue in the ammends.

love you guys billy

i was having an awesome discussion with one of my sponcees tonight. the subject of bumps in the road came up. he said after a year and a half he doesn't have those bumps in the road. and we started exploring this. i mean i have a few days behind me but i still have bumps in the road. there are character defects that arise that i happily return to God with and humbly ask him to remove. we talked on about those bumps actually being learning blocks in life. people, places, things or situations put in my life to allow me the ability to grow. about how step 10 allows me to reflect over the day and see where self had crept in.  i think i know where he was coming from. and this is kinda the conclusion we ended up with. that although there may be bumps in the road, by his grace the craterous pot-holes are no longer there. the big chunks out of the road i'm walking today God has filled. and the bumps on my path, the ones that once looked like mountains to me, don't seem to be so impossible.

with the help of God, living life on lifes terms, one day at a time. isn't that awesome to be able to do that today. to be given the strength to move forward today and not dwell over yesterday. to be able to learn and grow from our experiences, and to be able to share those with other people. WOW how truely blessed we are. with this program and the people in it. thank all of you for being here.

hugs
billy

---

Tags: Serene

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives.

If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us.

We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

I asked for Strength... and God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom... and God gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity... and God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage... and God gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love... and God gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors... and God gave me Opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted ... I received everything I needed!

May God Bless You.

May God Bless you with unspeakable joy, not only in the world to come, but in this world also.

May your path be bright and full of light everywhere you go.

May God tell darkness that it must flee at your command.

And, I pray your feet will never stumble out of God's plan.

May the desires of your heart come true, And may you experience Peace in everything you do.

May Goodness, Kindness, and Mercy come your way.

And, may you gain Wisdom and grow in the Lord everyday.

Tags: Happy

The Treasure


The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, mommy, please!"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face. "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00 If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere--Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.
Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess--the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my babydoll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure.

So like our heavenly Father.

What are you hanging on to?

Tags: Tired

“Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. If there are rats in a cellar, you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats; it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way, the suddenness of the provocation does not make me ill-tempered; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am.”
C.S. LEWIS

wow, the importance of a daily housecleaning. i know for me there are times that i go off tilt . and most of the time it just comes out of the blue. like yelling at the guy that cut me off on the way home or getting upset because the lady in front of me at the checkout stand wanted a price check after i had been standing in line behind her for a half hour. its at that moment i know its time to step back and take a minute or two, because apperantly i've missed something in the course of my day. usually something small, and usually it was something that didn't go the way i wanted or thought it should go. either way self was usually involved. i know that i still have character defects that i am working on. this daily inventory helps me with that. it shines the light in on those cellar rats.i'm grateul that my recovery
is just as progressive as my desiese was.

Tags: Wonderful

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