.......so i have been a long time coming. this girl in my life was so cool, but i didnt like the fact that she hooked up with a guy who was a drunk and she was like ......i am still clean and we pulled a 12 step meeting on her to show that we cared. and she and i didnt hang out n e more and i was clinging to another member because i had no clue of what to do. i just wanted to stay clean. and then that friend was going threw some stuff and pushed me away. and this girl was there for me. i was attached. i am a follower and i dont know n e way eles to live. so i was her buddy we did eveything together and it was great, i felt part of, then this guy came into our lives and he spoke great recovery and that made him so appealing and i messed around with him because i wanted to keep him in my life.......and i was going out of town for a month to visit my family. before i left, i told this friend how proud i was about myself that i didnt mess around with him all i did was cuddle and knowing it was a bold face lie i just didnt want her to know....partly because he said he didnt want n e one to know and also because i didnt want her to look at me like so many other women in my life had looked at me....and i forgot about it and went to visit my family. while i was gone she made comments to him like....he was mine and we where dating, and he called me and said how flatered he was, but we are not together. i was hurt, but i am used to friends steping out of line and being rejected. well i come back and find out he was trying to hook up with her and when i came back he told her that we messed around. She didnt talk to me for a couple of days and then she came to me and was like he told me about what happened. and i just srugged it off. and didnt relise that i had lied to her. it was so natural and it was not a big deal to me, then we got into a texting war and i told her to F**k off and i quit being her friend and i didnt deserve to be treated like this. and it was a huge fight. i went to her house and we talked and made up.... she never once apoligized for making me feel so bad, and just wanted me to think that we had a better friendship then that and she said "i except you for who you are" and i guess she had a point, but you know i havent really hung out with her very much since then, and everytime i talk to her on the phone she says something negative about me. it is like she has nothing nice to say. yesturday she called and got my voicemail and was like omg you need to change that because you sound like the girls i used to make fun of.....and i called her back and she couldnt say nothing nice to me, i just wanted to get off the phone fast enough. then she and i have issues with the H&I liturature. she just doesnt understand that we are supposed to pull #'s or names out of a hat to give the people in the facility the basic text and little white booklets, she thinks that we donate them to the facility. but that is a violation of the traditions. i feel that NA does not run rehabs and so we need to give the people in the meetings the books and not the facilitys. and our area H&I liturature did not get ordered ontime and so at area we did not get liturature, so i called the liturature guy and met him to pick some up and i got her facility some too. and she was like well u could of just had him give it to her because she would make it a special trip to take the liturature to the facility instead of me waiting untill the night of her H&I meeting. We are both H&I panel leaders for 2 different facilities. but it is like she wants to control me and put me down because i am not doing it right. this is my recovery and i am doing it the best way i can and i am working with a sponcer who has a sponcer. i cant beileve that i am letting her make me feel so bad. i feel that i am not good enough. and i am! i know i am doing the best i can and it is just that she is making me feel so bad i dont want her in my life! i have totally got a resentment against her. i just dont know about what i am just getting this off my chest, i feel good about writing this because i went to a meeting and she was acting so self richous and i was crawling in my skin, i wasnt ganna let her run me out of a meeting, i just couldnt look at her. i have started to recognize that i dont have to like peoples recovery, but just never thought that she would be one of them. i feel that i have lost a friend and it hurts but it might be the best thing for me. i need to be the leader in my life and not a follower. i am praying everyday for her and to live in gods will and to help me get threw this life. i dont know i just had to write this, i dont care if you would like to reply, i just needed to get it down on paper.
 love you all for reading ........ thank you for being here, myrecoveryspace, i dont know what i would do about this situation.

Tags: Resentments Life

3 comments View Entry

so, i have this procrastination on the assignment, i feel that i am self sabotageing my education. i feel that i do not diserve my BA and that i am not good enough to do this homework. i want to call my step mom and ask her to write my paper....i just cant get in the groove to write and everything that comes out of me it feels like it is not good enough. i have to go get my roommates car allined and i have to pay the PG&E and i just dont want to get out of bed. i havent read this morning and i think that is my problem, because i just get all wishy washy sometimes, not about staying clean, but if i am going in the right direction. i have self doubt and i am trying to do school and find more time so i can work on step six. ummmm......i am going to get out of bed and take a shower and go on with my day.     woo hoo    have a blessed day! 

Tags: Procrastination

3 comments View Entry

so, i was driving home from school and i am in my car which i just got the $150 to get a store to install a sterio and it broke 3 weeks. the arm brok and i went to the store and they said i broke it and they would not be able to get money from the warrenty cause it would not be covered. so my first thought was to call my old dealer and tell him i needed a hot sterio and just go pick one up for 30$....i didnt, i called another addict and i told him of what i was thinking and he told me dont you dare do that he asked his room mate to get me a deal at his job, and so i didnt have to do the wrong thing................and before i went to the store i had a thought flash in my head about a time when i last was out there and i wasn't using needles but i was smoking my dope and i was hanging out with my gay friend and his friend who was an older lady who 's ex was doing weekends in jail and she was pissed at him cause he was with a new lady, so then when it was time for him to get out of jail, we were there to pick him up. myself and him have a past we were friends and he helped me out and we used to shoot up and F**k, but he got kicked out of his spot.....and i was getting clean. but i had gotten clean and went out and got high again and so it was the first time i had seen him in 9 monthes. when we picked him up we had an 8ball and a rig. i wanted to not be there because i felt bad for him and i really felt hurt by doing this to him. it was one of the hardest things for me to watch and it hurt so bad to have this stick of pain, while i was driving home from school because he was trying to get his life back together, he had a job and a place to stay and he was clean for a month and i was with the people who f**ked him all off......i know that he had the choice,but i dont know if i would be able to stay clean if i was in his position. this is a huanty thing and i have to deal with this.
 i want to be clean and i am clean today and i am getting ready to go to a meeting, so i just had to get this pain out of me. and write it down.

thank you for reading.

Tags: Past Reoccuring Thoughts Life On Life's Terms

3 comments View Entry

so, i should be studing for a test i have at 1pm, but you know i was having a weird day. i enjoy that i have a choice to wake up early, drink coffee and watch the view before i go to school. and i have been in a weird place because i went to a meeting last night and i really dont like some peoples recovery. i have the choice of liking certain peoples truthfullness and others who just are abstinant and not work their program but have years clean and have no program. i just dont understand it, i didnt get clean to live the same lifestyle as when i was dirty. you know i want to proactivly work on myself so i can be the best that i can be. i just dont understand that people want to live so sickly. i would be getting high if i liked how sick i was. but i donno it is just a ramble and i am very proud of the accomplishments i have made clean. and that i am ablle to stick around because i choose not to get high today.....

love all

peace

Tags: Choice Recovery Honesty

4 comments View Entry

  So, i am a psychology student and i have 287 days clean today! woo hoo! and i am in an interesting place right now. i have not totally had the fog lifted yet. i am just starting to relize that it doesn't matter if i am having a bad day that i still have to go to school and go threw the motions of fullfilling my commitments. and when i do, i get such a large reward of awakening. because i can accomplish what i put my mind to as long as i do the footwork! that is the main key. when i was out there getting high i had all the credits for my AA degree and i only had to fill out one peice of paper to get the darn degree and it took me a year to accomplish it. you know i was just so out there that i could not even enroll in classes and full fill my dreams because i was over powered by my disease of addiction. I understand that i did not have too much control over this part of my life and now that i am clean, i am able to be responcible for my recovery and my life.

      so this class i am taking in called human development 3 adulthood to aging. i love the teacher he is so freaking cool and i think he knows alot about the program because of how he shares. i might be reading too much into this, but i think it is very cool how the holistical views of wellness and the NA program works. everyday that i have this class i feel empowered and i understand a little bit more about myself. as crazy as i am...... we watched Tuesday's with Moorie and it just set my mind right because he uses so many affirmations and spoke to me. one of my favoirte part is about the buddist use a pretend bird on your shoulder and ask it every day when they wake "Am i going to die today?" my teacher said that you can say "am i going to live today or just go threw the motions?" this is something that is very important for me because i went threw the motions when i was using, i would cop then sell or smoke it all up and then have to go find more money to cop again.... that is what everyday was about in the end and now that i dont have to live that way i want to live each day and take advantage of the fact that it is possible to do go things for myself and learn new things about myself and feel the gifts of life. this is so amazing to me. i didnt get clean to not have a good life. you know what i mean. i love life and i am learning to take a little time each day to pray, meditate or just breath and tell myself positive affermations. because guess what as long as i live for the day and put the footwork in for tomorrow i might just be around for quite a while.

so in class today we talked about people who are over 100 years old and some common factors that they all share. and how it has helped them to stay around this long. here they are: 1. optimism 2. commitment/passionalty ingaged or invoved with something 3. Mobility/ activity 4. coping with loss/adapting. And you know what i find all of these very important in my life. i bounce back and try and see the light at the end of the tunnel when i get depressed or over welhmed, i am commited to NA and my family i feel passionate about helping people(that is why i am going to school); well i have the disire to be more active and i want to loose all this weight i have accumulated over my 287days..lol; and when it comes to coping with loss, i have had alot of loss over my life and you know i am learning to cope with it in a positive manner today and i am willing to feel the pain and let it go. all these things are really interesting to me and i think i will try and to incorporate this more into my life style and grow from this.

       so i know that this is really about my hurdles with school and i am sorry if i said n e thing wrong, but i really needed to write my thoughts out and i really hope to find unity and exceptance on this site because the broader the base the higher the point of freedom and i am feeling the need to spread my wings and feel some of this freedom. and you know what it is working and each day my struggles are geting easier to deal with and my thoughts of using are subsiding. i am so thankfull to the program of NA because if it wasnt without it i would be dead.

thanks for reading

smooches

keep comming back it is working cause i am working it!

Tags: School Recovery Life Happyness

2 comments View Entry

I have heard that there is a pink cloud and i understand that i have latched on to so many others pink clouds, but i am a cronic relapser and i am scared to make this another one. i feel over whelmed so many days and so much of my life, i was able to come home to my NA meetings, but i just couldnt get clean. i was not ready and i never have done this for myself. i am scared and lonely right now. i have felt that i am on the outside of the group and unable to feel the pain and the joy in my na meetings. i dont get y? what happened was i had a bellybutton birthday and then my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer and i went to see my dad and his family out of state for a month and had to come home and start school and get back in my meeting groove. i have also had to take care of my mom and i know i am blessed to have her in my life because it could always be worse and i am a lucky person cause i dont have to worry about the place to live, food and not having a job. i think that i am not ready to grow up in that way, but i have grown so much in my 8 1/2 monthes and feel that i need to grow up faster. why cant i just accept myself and not want to be fixed already!
 i have caused so much pain to thous who love me and myself with my addiction and i know that will not change in 8 monthes, but i y do i have such issues this time of year. there are all sorts of reasons and theorys y people get high this time of year and they dont hold a candle to my reasons to stay clean, but i feel so much axiety and pain because i doubt myself and my higherpower. i understand that i have to put the footwork in so that i can stay clean and i find myself forcing myself to go to meetings and then judging people in meetings and taking their inventory. i have tried to pray before i go into a meeting, it has worked when i do it, but ........another F***ing but!!!! it is a process and it wont change overnight! as much as i tell myself this, it seems not to get any easier. i fully understand that no one ever said life was easy! why cant it be a little easier for addicts today not to feel alone even thou the slogan "never alone, never again" i can be around 50,000 people and i feel like a scared little child who is so alone and so empty. This feels like i have been givin the death sentence where i have run out of appeals and money for a lawyer.                        so it is a lone large world out there and i understand it is only lonenly if you make it that way. life is what you make of it. sometimes it is so hard, but i am not givin up tonight and this has really helped me. and i am not careing who is ganna read this, i just feel better that i can come to a safe place like this and not worry about talking freely.

thank you

love always Angel! 

Tags: Issues Trauma Problems My Recovery

4 comments View Entry