Well I haven't been on in a while, I haven't been feeling "comfortable" lately. I haven't drank. I'm just not as enthused lately. I don't feel like working, cleaning, cooking, nothing. Well I'm trying to snap out of it, any ideas?

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I feel really good this week. It seem like things are falling into place (atleast for the time being). Yesterday I had a brief moment of insanity where I almost bought a bottle, I didn't, then I sat in my car wondering "what the heck", and came to the conclusion that I sabotage myself. I sat there and went through my thought process, and the only justification I could come up with (for the insanity) was that, things were good, and everytime they're good, I think I can have a little drink, and control myself, and buy one little bottle (nobody will ever know, right?).....I can prove that I can handle and be a casual drinker.....WOW, I am so glad I snapped out of those thoughts quickly. I can never have one drink, I can't control myself, I will never buy just ONE bottle, and believe me, EVERYONE will know!! I am very excited, this was really the first time that I didn't buy a bottle and made a conscieus and real decison why I didn't want to. Feels very good, and today is another good day with my son because I didn't drink yesterday.

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I am happy to say that I am still without a drink since my last blog. I think the last time I drank I went overboard, and I haven't felt the "want" since I got over that episode. I'm feeling very emotional lately, everything makes me want to cry, it's not all sadness either, I look at my son and think about how much he's grown and I want to cry, I'm a bit of a basketcase, but it's ok, atleast I'm having all these emotions sober and dealing with them in a productive way. I've recently starting working from home, doing network marketing, and it has shone a new light on things. Now I'm just  babbling, I'm happy though, feeling good even when I'm feeling down. It's weird, but I feel like this might be the time that sticks with me and my recovery, I'm praying and staying postive everyday, being grateful for everything god has blessed me with and don't want to mess it up anymore.

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I am currently 11 days without a drink. I go through these phases where I don't drink for months at a time and I feel great, I get all my feelings and emotions in order, then I fall off the wagon. And when this happens it feels like I have to start all over again. I feel defeated right now, and if it weren't for my son I don't think I would face this another day. But I do have my son so I am still here, and it's so hard. I feel like I have a thousand pounds of weight on my chest. I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I just need some kind of outlet, being that I put on a strong show for my family. I don't even talk to my friends anymore, I feel so alone.

Tags: Frustration

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