"When we were using, reality became so painful that oblivion was preferable....We isolated ourselves, and lived in prisons that we built with loneliness." Basic Text, p 19

This is not only true of when I first began coming to meetings, but of my life the last few years.  When using became not an option after the trouble I got into with Tabitha and I lost custody of my daughter, I began to use dissociation and escaping into fantasy to distance myself from my feelings.  Detachment was the only way I could handle the pain of not being with Ahyoka. 

Then this spring I began thawing out.  I didn't want to at first, I wanted to stay dissociated.  But then I saw Brent, and he hugged me with one of those hugs that goes all the way to your bones...and I was grounded whether I wanted to be or not.  He and Barbara are the only ones I know that can ground me that way.  Now I am actively choosing to ground myself through grounding exercises, and doing my best to live in reality.

Things have been hard lately.  I thought Bonnie was really my friend, and to realize that she is just using me is painful.  But the parallels between her and my family of origin are too many for me to ignore.  Barbara keeps saying that I have crossed the bridge, and they are still waiting on the other side.  I cant make Bonnie choose to live healthy, and I can't be around her much because I get sucked right back into co-dependent, caretaking behavior whenever I am.

It is not my job to be the buffer between her and her roommate.  But when I am there, I fall back into that role all the time.  And the accusations against me hurt so much that I cannot be near them.  And what hurts the most is that Bonnie seemed to believe them at first, and appears to have done nothing to defend me.  That is a very old pain, and I am triggered whenever I am around them.  A part of me is thankful she hasn't called.

Well, this is turning out to be a combination post, oh well.  I hurt my back the other day when I was moving furniture, and then last night I slipped coming out of the bathroom and wrenched my back again.  I've spent the day on and off the heating pad, and have been in a fair amount of pain.  I took Naprosyn this morning and again tonight.  It is feeling a bit better...we'll see how things go tomorrow.

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The chains binding the heart have broken;

Everything we feel is real.

Surrounded by walls, but not really walls;

Those with the key can get in.

Accused of something we didn't do;

Made an enemy not true.

The heart breaks, the children cry;

Want to hurt, but not to die.

But instead we pray,

And look for the light of day.

Seek those who are safe,

Those with whom we can feel free.

Life goes on, and so must we.

Go forward, and choose to be.

The heart will heal, and we will grow;

And hopefully, someday soon, we will know;

How to choose those wo won't hurt us,

but instead support us.

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Having somewhat of a difficult day today.....just binged on some cheesecake....it was there so I ate it.  Began keeping a food and activity log today, and it was really hard to write that down....I guess it's harder when I can see it in black and white.  I'm supposed to go to a meeting and pick up some stamps for Bonnie today, but I just do not want to leave the house.  I haven't written in several days, and I realized last night that the reason I haven't been able to focus to write was because I was manic.  It's like a fog clears in my head and I realize I've been acting out of mania.  I thought I wasn't doing that anymore, so I told the doctor on Monday that my mania was better...but it's hard to recognize it in the middle of an episode.

Feeling sleepy now, probably going to take a nap.

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I went to a meeting today.  I was having a really hard time, because it was a large meeting and I knew very few people there.  I was drawing so that I could stay grounded, and someone sat down next to me.  I remember him, although I don't remember his name, so he's someone who has been around for awhile.  He took my pencil away and told me to pay attention, so I told him that I would be glad to put my pencil down, but that then I wouldn't hear much of the meeting because I would dissociate.  He finally gave it back.

The meeting itself was pretty good, it was on patience and I was able to hear most of it, I only dissociated a couple of times and was able to pull myself back pretty easily.  The difficulty came at the end of the meeting.  I was surrounded by all these people and felt so alone.  I was afraid to go up to any of the women because I didn't know them, and felt like they would judge me.

I was just sitting there smoking, trying to figure out someone to ask for a ride home, because it was so hot, and I didn't want to get stuck waiting for another hour for the bus, when I heard someone talk about going to eat near 41st and Peoria, which would save me over an hour on my trip home, and I recognized him too, so I went and asked him if I could get a ride as far as 41st and Peoria, and that's when he told me David was driving.  I breathed an internal sigh of relief, because I've known David for a really long time, and know that he is safe.  Then a woman came up who I've seen once or twice since I returned to meetings, who was trying to get directions to wherever they were going, and then Christian asked her to give me a ride instead and popped off something about "sticking with the women".

Now, I do understand the concept, but I've only met this woman twice, and didn't know if she was safe, where I knew for sure David was.  It worked out, I ended up getting a ride all the way home, but it really pissed me off.  That guy doesn't even know me, or my motives.  Safety is a really big issue for me and it's really hard for me to ask for rides anyways.  I don't mean to not stick with the women, it was just that the only people who I knew at this meeting were men, because all the old-timers who were women seem to have disappeared somewhere.  I talked to Barbara about it tonight, and she said I need to work on boundaries, and if it happens again that i can just give them her phone number if they have a problem with me.

And I'm still missing Pepe.  I want my big brother back.

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The thing I love about the basic text is that there is always something I can relate to if I read long enough.  Here are some excerps of what I related to today, from page 14:

"Through drugs, we tried to avoid reality, pain, and misery.  When the drugs wore off, we realized that we still had the same problems, and they were becoming worse.  We sought relief by using again and again -- more drugs, more often.

We sought help and found none...Some of us sought an answer through churches, religions, or cultism.  Some sought a cure by geographic change.  We blamed our surrounding and living situations for our problems...Some of us sought approval through...change of friends.  This approval-seeking behavior carried us further into our addiction...Regardless of what we tried, we could not escape from our disease."

This is how it has been for me every time I relapsed, and every time I get into dangerous behaviors.  I guess in some ways I was lucky because due to my addiction history, I was told early on that I was addicted not only to drugs, but religion, behaviours, self-harm, etc.  I used to say in meetings that I was addicted to anything that changes the way I feel, and it is true.

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Today has been a much better day. After I wrote yesterday, it was like everthing I've been writing and thinking about the last week or so came together and I understood what was going on. Haing a dissociative disorder sucks sometimes because, although we've been working on communicating for several years, sometimes I have a problem understanding what the other parts of me want or need.

I really don't want to write about this, but I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be honest about who I am, holding nothing back. Some of the younger parts of me want a father-figure, which is something that I cannot provide for them. There was a time when some men in recovery sort of filled a big brother role, and that helped, but one of them has relapsed, and I'm not as close to the other one as I once was.

And then there's that ugly voice in my head that says I'm an adult now and I shouldn't have those wants needs and desires. But my sponsor would say I'm shoulding on myself if I were to make a statement like that to her, and that critical voice isn't usually right.

I finished reading 'Who is and Addict?' today, but nothing stood out to me that was any different from what I've already been thinking and writing about. I thought about reading further, but I didn't want to push myself to read just to get it done. I'd rather read a little bit each day so that I absorb more of it.

I'm really aware that I need to go back to practicing mindfulness skills so that I can ground when I want to. I quit before because there are times I want to feel dissociated, but instead of not doing them at all, perhaps I will paractice them and give myself permission to not have to be grounded all the time.

I guess that's all for tonight...

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It was strongly suggested (alright I was told to write today).  The last couple of days I've been a bit detached.  I guess you could call it a sort of limbo, not really aware of what I think or feel.  I'be been doing a lot of things to comfort myself, which means that someone inside is probably upset.  I've been feeling really lonesly, even when I'm around people--back to feeling like there is no one I can tell about parts of me. 

I had to go get my soft blanket so I could keep writing....I'm geeling really apacy--like the hads that are writing aren't really part of my body....that's all for now....

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I have an eclectic sort of faith, and wanted someplace to put all the things I learn for reference.

Christian:

Useful Scriptues:

Matthew 15:15-20---It's what on the inside that matters

"15 Then Peter asked Jesus, "Explain what you meant when you said people aren't defiled by what they eat." 16 "Don't you understand?" Jesus asked him. 17 "Anything you eat passes through the stomach and then goes out of the body. 18 But evil words come from an evil heart and defile the person who says them. 19 For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all other sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander. 20 These are what defile you. Eating with unwashed hands could never defile you and make you unacceptable to God!"

I meant to write on this the other day, but just wasn't in the mood.  Having stuggled with eating for many years, it struck me that what I eat doesn't make me a bad person.  But as I have thought about it more, the meaning to me is even more profound...what I used did not make me an addict.  I can use anything to change the way I feel, but for me addiction was a part of me before I ever picked up. What's inside of me, the good and the bad, was already there.

I have a friend who disklikes addicts and alcoholics because some of the people who abused her most severely were addicts and contacted her , wanting her to forgive them because they were 'all better now'.  She felt like they were using their addictions as an excuse for what they did.

I explained to her that I don't buy inot that crap, an abuser is an abuser with or without the drugs.  Addiction isn't an excuse for my character defects.

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"We dreamed of finding a magic formula that would solve our ultimate problem -- ourselves"

Basic Text, page 4

I know that when I came to the twelve steps, that described my life in a nutshell.  Back then I believed I was a monster and needed something to fix that.  But what I wonder today is if I am still falling into that trap.

I found something online that described exactly what I wish was there for me:

"You told them what you wanted and they then defended you from yourself. It wasn't abnegation of responsibility; it was a conscious act of trust, of collaboration, of a well defined team being stronger than just the sum of its components. A safe context in which you were wanted, openly and honestly, to be yourself."

Sometimes I feel like I need someone to be there when I'm getting out there, someone who can say "No, you can't cross this line."  But I am an adult, so I should be able to do that for myself.  But I can't seem to, or I don't seem to.  I become passive and hide or just stop acting.  If there's no consequences nothing changes.

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