hi folks,

aNiMaL decided to grace you with his presence ... so get out the pooper scooper and the hair remover sticky rollers that'll clean up the pink and orange fur i'll shed on your clothes if you get too close.

Been doing my normal thing:

Neurotic

Over

Reacting

Mal

Adjusted

Loonatic

See, i'm perfectly NORMAL, and don't bother correcting my spelling, anyone who knows anything about me knows i don't care about that ... if it mattered here, my spell checker wouid work here.

i'm in a pissy mood because yet another friend of mine was removed from life support last night after making the final payment on his installment plan suicide, also known as the disease of addiction. He'll be dead in a week or so.

Insert foul language warning here.

i know, i know, i BI**H about folks killing themselves here a lot. i'll make you a deal: when mother-f**kers quit killing themselves in this disease, i'll quit complaining. Until then, either let me bitch, or go read one of those happy horse s**t blogs by someone who only goes to tea-party meetings, if they go to meetings at all, and ignores the still struggling newcomer. That ain't me, and i ain't here to kiss your little perfumed bottom, no matter how pretty i might think it is.

My opinion/experience/whatever the h*ll? you want to call it, is that if you don't know someone who's died from this disease, you probably haven't helped enough newcomers yet. That's right, aNiMaL is a judgemental prick, or maybe aNiMaL is just tired of going to hospitals to see crying children and hold the cold hands of dieing people who might have lived with this disease for many years if had they'd had the courage and character, or enough of a beating, to develop the quality of willingness. If that makes me a prick, i'm okay with being a prick today. i'm crying as i write this. Nuff said.

i am tired of burying my people. i know i am going to bury a lot more. Why? Because i will not hide from the fatal nature of the disease of addiction. If i did, someone i know would end up burying me, and sometime soon, i'll wager.

Anger is a normal and natural part of the grief process. That doesn't mean i have to like it, but it does mean i've got to go through it. POOP!

So, i strongly suggest that some of your friends may want to make a decision not to play games with recovery. That makes the bold assumption that the game players and recovery posers will have stopped reading this by now. The disease isn't playing any games.

There, i feel a little better now. Do your friends and family a favor and don't let yourself die from this disease. It's really an ugly way to go.

So, you may be asking who is this guy who calls himself aNiMaL? i'm just another addict with a sensitive nature, a big heart, and i give a damn.

Those of you in western Washington who want to go are invited to the WSCA convention to meet the aNiMaL. If things don't go too far sideways before October 25th, i'll be the closing speaker. See http://caofwa.org/events.htm for registration info. i'll try not to poop the speech up too much. We're all entitled to have a bad day now and again ... this is one of mine.

i still don't get here very often, but if you want, feel free to write me at furfaced1@yahoo.com

e-hugs

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Greetings,

i apologize for not getting here as often as i used to, especially to Sunshine, to whom i owe several Steelers images in her comments ... a bragging rights bet won. Somehow i think she'll be able to do without. To the rest of my friends, i want you to know i think of you often, though i don't often take the time to drop by.

April 3rd was a double blessing for me. i had the opportunity to say goodbye to an old friend, and celebrate 9 years free from chemicals ... excepting, of course, my "worship" of the holy bean and the nectar thereof. Fresh ground coffee is a wonderful thing.

Celebrating an anniversary on the same day as celebrating the life of a departed friend is an experience i will not soon forget; a very poignant reminder of the fatal nature of the disease i suffer from on a daily basis. My friend forgot something of that nature; that certain things, like alcohol and pain medications, do not mix well in the human body. It seems not so long ago i mixed those things myself. There, but for the Grace of God, go i.

i have the joy of often hearing folks greeting me much like the folks at Cheers greeted Norm. The price of hearing that warm greeting in so many places is sometimes having to say goodbye to one of the greeters.

Spring time where i live brings the sun out, and some exault in that, forgetting where they come from. "Spring, when a young man's heart turns toward thoughts of love..." it's unfortunate that love is sometimes for a chemical instead of a person.

This year is a special anniversary for me. i spent 9 years in what i've heard referred to as "the revolving door," and now i've been inside the rooms longer than than that. My area of expertise is no longer screwing up. i'm told that's a good thing.

Hey folks, if an ol' hard head like me can get this deal, you've got no excuses.

e-hugs

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Greetings,
i just wanted to give a shout out to all my friends here and say thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
First, i'm blessed to report that my sponsor is doing well. He's been back at work the last few days, but i would like to ask those who've been praying to continue to do so, as he begins a regimen of chemotherapy and radiation treatments tomorrow.
Next, i want to thank all of you who've been dropping by my page to leave notes in spite of what some consider to be my obnoxious taste in music (i had to get "sick of life" before i became willing to embrace a new one). Those small gestures bring a light to my day that is truly a healing blessing.
i almost wish i could write here the whole of my experience with these types of things, but i am a verbose "in-duh-vidual," and no one would read that stuff anyway.
i will say one thing more ... someone asked why i don't comment on many of the blogs i read here.
As a recovering codependent, yes i have opinions, tons of them, and considering the insignificant weight of the average amount of brain chemicals that are activated by my thinking, that's saying something.
It is far better that i not express too much of my poop, as that poop is more efficiently delt with in conversation with mentors, accountability partners, my sponsor, my friends and sponsees, and in sometimes in meetings, than it is by a direct projection upon an individual here.
The Traditions in my life (my opinion is that they're not just for the group) tell me that it is better i not express opinion on issues not directly related to my recovery, so that I might avoid certain controversies.
i won't step into the "black and white thinking" that would prohibit me from ever expressing things like that, as that would contradict the working of of the twelfth step. i'll just say the Traditions, especially the 10th Tradition, protect us from each other, and that is a good thing ... plus i'd never get my homework done.
e-hugs

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9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

-2 Corinthians 12, NIV

i wrote to my friend sugarcain:

"i'm going through it ... 3 things on the burners are being a bit distracting: 1. Told of OD death of an old sponsee 2 days ago, 2. My sponsor in ICU after 2nd brain surgery inside of a month, 3. BFF is ending 27 year marriage and doing some really silly things ... so i can relate to the turning stuff over difficulties.  Plus there's all these smaller things: school, web relationships, my good old friend self centeredness popping up and wanting to distract me. Crying a little, praying a lot and daily meetings are helping, but Grrrrrrr"  

Yeah, so like i'm growling a bit, and haven't been able to spend the time here that i'd like to.

Life happens.

In the thick of it i see clearly that if i had only my strength to rely upon, i'd be in serious trouble. i'm not a big one for bible or big book thumping, but this spiritual faith thing is working for me today.

"The will of God will not take me where the Grace of God will not keep me." i have the privilige of getting to do things that many would not be willing to do. i don't want to be strong because then i would lose that Grace. The challenges are there for US to conquer together, not for me to overcome alone.

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph." -Thomas Paine

"My favorite part of the game is the opportunity to play." -Mike Singletary

e-hugs

Tags: Blaeh

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hi Folks,

The bald fat furball is struggling to find peace today.

My sponsor has been back in the hospital again this past 9 days.

Seems there have been some complications from the surgery to remove that tumor from his frontal lobe a few weeks back, namely, a staph infection and hydrocephalus, more commonly known as "water on the brain." They're doing another surgery tomorrow ... well, later today, now, so i thought it would be a good idea to ask for more prayer.

This has been a bummer for me because i've had a highly contageous bug for the last week and haven't been able to visit. Being realitivly healthy and having this kick me down a few notches, i've not wanted to risk giving it to him. i don't like not being able to be supportive at times like these.

Anyway, thanks folks. Be good to yourselves today, okay?

e-hugs

Tags: Grumbling Discomfort Worry Ouch

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Hello,

My butt hurts. Probably not the statement you may have expected from me, eh?

Well, i'm kinda silly ... i walked over to my candlelight meeting last night, making snowballs as i strolled, sometimes climbed over the snow. Kinda chilly out for that with temps in the teens, but oh well. 4 others showed up so that was "cool," ... it made the trip worth it.

Earlier in the day i'd gone sledding, with all the attendent bumps and bounces.

On the way home last night there was this one smooth iron man hole cover that was partially exposed. i stepped on it and revisited my 3 Stooges mentality as, arms and legs flailing, i fell in a heap ... so, yeah, my butt hurts this morning.

Talked with my sponsor earlier this week. He's gone into work a few days this past week. That guy has brass balls ... if i'd have had brain surgery last weekend, i'd probably not have wanted to go to work, especially at his job. Other than some side effects from the chemo, he seems to be doing okay. i don't know if they're doing the radiation, too. Keep praying, okay?

So i'm laying here in front of the computer this morning and i get this e-mail asking about my holiday plans. By any reasonable standard, mine are kind of lame: a 4 hour AA phoneline shift Christmass Eve and 6 hours New Year's Eve, and probably more if things go as they normally do at the Alkathon ... most folks would not consider these to be terribly exciting plans.

So i'm laying here starting to feel a little sorry for myself ... hey, i'm a drunk so i do that crap once in a while ... wondering if i'll ever really be anything but the aNiMaL ... wondering if, yeah, i'll say it, if i'll ever even get laid again ... hey, give me a break, okay ... i haven't gotten any since the Clinton administration ... wondering if God will actually provide the family i desire ... some of you have heard me refer to myself as a "social retard," well, now you know one reason why.

Then i start thinking about my sponsors ... the one i have now and the one who'd passed from cancer a while ago. Dennis R. was a heck of a guy ... he "got to" do service for the Fellowships, most times even enjoying it when folks weren't messing with him ... he "got to" go to camp outs and drag silly guys like me to them ... he "got to" face the final journey in this life with more courage than i see many of us ever have. And Randy "gets to" go to work with sutures in his head ... do i really need to sit here and feel sorry for myself?

Somehow, i just don't think so.

What do you "get to" do this holiday?

Tags: Male Pattern Baldness Falling On The Ice Insanity

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Hi folks,
My Sponsor, Pastor Randy S., is in need of your continued prayers.

First the good news...
As i wrote in previous blogs, he's had a new tumor [a first tumor was removed from the same place 18 years ago] removed from his head -upper frontal lobe- and things went well.
So well, in fact, that they sent him home a day early.
The tumor was found not to be cancerous.

Now the challenging news...
The tumor grew so fast [a scan just a few months back was clean] that they've decided to treat him with chemotherapy and radiation anyway ... that's a pretty rough road, thus my asking for continued prayers.

Now the blessing...
i've been given the honor of presenting his 23 year medalian at next Thursday's meeting! Is that cool or what? i love presenting medalians! In the Army they used to give out medals, like the Purple Heart, for failure to duck quickly enough (i got a couple of those along with instructions to "duck faster next time, idiot"). How cool is it that we get to give medals to each other for cooperating in the saving of our own lives?
e-hugs

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Hey all,
i just wanted to let folks know that Randy made it through the surgery all right and will soon be moved to the ICU for a couple of days of monitoring. The mass was removed and will be biopsied to determine if it is cancerous.
Please continue to pray for a speedy recovery for him.
Thanks again for all your prayers,
kev

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Hi folks,
My Sponsor, Pastor Randy S., is in need of your prayers.
Yesterday a tumor was detected in the frontal part of his brain.
This is the same area he a non-cancerous tumor 18 years ago.
He is scheduled for surgery to remove the tumor tomorrow [Saturday] morning at 9am PST.
Your prayers would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks folks!
God Bless,
kev

Tags: Prayer Recovery Blessings

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