I can't believe I've made it a year with my habits . . . almost nothing has changed since my last posts, except that my grades are still much, much lower than I know I can do.  I realized a couple of weeks ago that my withdrawal symptoms were so regular and so severe that I was almost unable to function.

My school has a counselor on staff for just such occasions, and after launching a drunken e-mail to my wife explaining that I'm just as tired of this s**t as she is, we worked together to set up something to make some changes.

I was totally freaked going in to talk to a "substance abuse counselor" at my school - I felt like all the student-employees there were thinking, "Oh, he's going to see BILL - he's screwed up!"  I would have preferred to be drunk at that point . . .

The counselor was a recovering alcoholic, though, and told me some of his story and made me see that I'm not the first schmuck to paint myself into this corner.  Actually, I'm lucky because I don't have some of the trimmings that come with the awareness of alcoholism (DUI, lost job, lost wife, etc.).

I didn't get all teary and pour my soul out, but I did share the logistics of my addiction with him (the first person I've ever really laid it out for).  How much I drink, how often I drink, social/employment aspects involved, etc.  Man, it felt good . . . and he's a darn cool guy.  He didn't ask me when I wanted to come back, he walked me to the receptionist and _told_ me when he'd see me again.  I need that.  Someone please slap the stupidity out of me.

Anyway, I did my first AA meeting that same day (at his insistence).  I'm really glad I did.  I finally realized that I'm not a loser, I'm not worthless, I'm not a waste of oxygen . . . I'm just like a lot of other people.  Some of them are struggling, some of them are sober for 37 years, but we're all alike.  For the first time in 3 years I don't hate or resent myself.  I finally see that I can have a life that I am proud of (with help).

Tomorrow I will go to my 3rd meeting.  I would like to say that I've been sober that whole time, but I'm not going to lie anymore.  I've been sneaking sips to keep the shakes at bay, and those sips turn into gulps later in the evening.  "Cold Turkey" can be dangerous at my level of addiction (according to my counselor), so I'm just going to continue reducing my intake until I can get through the day without shaking and dizziness.  I have the next 2 days off work and school so hopefully I can rein in the detox symptoms and get my s**t straight by Tuesday.

Thanks again to all of you who supported me early on.  If you're still watching, I'm finally taking the steps to be right again.

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First off, thanks to all for the rounds of support and information.

My first "resolution" didn't go well, but I'm coming back around in the new year.  I've actually found out where the AA meetings in my area are, and I've picked which one fits my schedule and am going to attend next week - Wednesday at 3pm.  For sure.

I'm actually pretty excited to get a sponsor, someone I can speak with candidly about things I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about.  There's a lot I really want to get off my chest.

Seriously, though, this post is just a general thank you to all the people that have surprised me with their supportive comments.  I hope to interact more with this incredible community in the near future.

Una Nueva Esperanza.

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This is it.  This is the step I've planned to take since I was admitted to the hospital with pancreatitis almost four years ago.

I remember reading the back of the Tylenol bottle, where it says "If you average 3 or more drinks per day, consult your physician before taking this product."  I also remember thinking that was ridiculous - that'd be 21 drinks per week - at least!  Who does that???

I've since entered the restaurant business and become a bartender.  God, I wish I could finish my college more quickly and get an office job - I think it'd be so much easier to resist temptation when you're not pouring booze for 8 hours a shift.

I've known I've had a problem for awhile - I'm playing Russian roulette with my pancreas as it is - but lately it's finally starting to affect the rest of my life.  I held a 3.93 for my first two years of college, now I'm failing one class and hoping to make a C in the rest.  I've really lost control.

I've been reading the "Big Book" on 12steps.org.  I'm a huge skeptic about most "self-help" crap, but I have to admit that the experiences in there reflect my situation.  I want to be a 'normal' drinker, and I can't imagine a life without alcohol - I'm a bartender!  I've been to Jalisco twice to study Tequila distilleries so I can teach a class about it.  I've also been on the Kentucky bourbon tour twice and teach a bourbon class.  95% of the time I spend socializing is with alcohol in one form or another.

I've been polishing off about a fifth a day for the last few months.  My job performance is suffering, my grades are [obviously] suffering.  My wife is terribly loving and supportive, but she is even starting to take offense at my drinking habits.  I'm scheduled for disaster if I don't change my ways.

As a bartender, I've known a few people that went into AA (some even without felony convictions!).  I have a good support system in place, but I'm hesitant to apprise them of my situation.  It would be preferable to me if I could 'anonymously' attend the meetings, find a mentor there, and try to work things out without the rest of the world knowing my problem.  I have the schedule, but I've yet to attend an A.A. meeting, what is it like???  Someone please give me a heads up so I know what to expect.

I'm excited about what I've read online, it really gives me hope.  I know it's an uphill battle - and I might falter - but it ultimately thrills me inside that I won't have to live with this guilt anymore.

Just starting out . . .  

Una Nueva Esperanza (a new hope)

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