Hello to everyone who happens by!
My name is Toby Johnson but I used my middle name Chris for the last 30 years and decided to go back to my first name here recently, So if you think you know me yes this is Chris Johnson but I am using my first name now and don't really care if you decide to keep calling me Chris, I know change can be hard for allot of us,. Well here it is.
I sobered up the first time in 83 and stayed clean and sober for about a year and a half, relapsed then 2 months later (blacked out a month and a half of it) and then sobered up in may of 85 in Portland Oregon. I have been sober and clean since, I am going through my second devorce and living in a new area California of all places for an Oregon boy to be. My ex wife Lisa is still in Portland and doing very well for herself, I at least consider us still friends but I have stopped speaking for other people.
I have been single for about 4 months now and thats the longest I have been single since I first got sober. Needless to say this is all new to me. I go to meetings very often now and am in the middle of a complete 4th step. I am not interested in identity with mind and I am battling with the habits of mind (this is where the problem centers) As I understand that I am not mind and live in truth, there I find true spirit and there I find what really is, not just an idea of what is, this is where religion fails and only creates another idea of what god is, then sets fourth these rules to live by to earn your place in heaven or nirvona or whatever have you. I have found only half truth there... and half truths are the worst kind of lie. There is something I have found disturbing in meetings is the statment "my truth" the fact is Truth is Truth! it is what is! if I have my truth and you have your truth chances are you or I and most likely both of us are full of s**t. 
You know the old saying " If you have one leg in yesterday and the other in tomorrow all you can do on the day is piss on it" I like that one! Living in the now here and now is where I find truth. When I allow my habits of mind to carry either direction this is amagination (just me imaging) this is not real and being unreal it is not truth. If I am to be honest then I must live in what is real... Right?, well lets see what that rant stirs up...
