New Relationship Behaviors

We talk much about new relationship behaviors in recovery: allowing others to be themselves without over reacting and taking it personally, and owning our power to take care of ourselves. We talk about letting go of our need to control, focusing on self-responsibility, and not setting ourselves up to be victims by focusing on the other person while neglecting ourselves. We talk about having and setting healthy boundaries, talking directly, and taking responsibility for what we want and need.

While these behaviors certainly help us deal with addicted people, these are not behaviors intended only for use in what we call "dysfunctional relationships."

These behaviors are our new relationship behaviors. They help us in stressful relationships. They can help us get through times of stress in healthy relationships.

The recovery behaviors we are learning are tools - healthy relationship skills - that help us improve the quality of all our relationships.

Recovery means self-care - learning to take care of ourselves and love ourselves - with people. The healthier we become, the healthier our relationships will become. And we'll never outgrow our need for healthy behaviors.

Today, I will remember to apply my recovery behaviors in all my relationships - with friends and co-workers, as well as in any special love relationship. I will work hard at taking care of myself in the troublesome relationships, figuring out which skill might best apply. I will also consider ways that my healthy relationships might benefit from my new relationship skills.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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My home group has been bringing a meeting to a treatment center for the past 2 years.Tonight I  chaired the meeting.Topic: Triggers. I relapsed 2 1/2 years ago and my friend asked me if I fiqured out why. Until today I never really dug deep enough inside to fiqure it all out.
When I relapsed, I did it in front of another AA member,my best friend and my boss, all in the same person!
I threatened her and her family and she had a restraining order put on me.  When it was all done, I was put on probation and ordered to stay away from this person for 2 years.  During this time we had made amends to each other,haven't had contact since.  That was about a year and a half ago. I constantly think about her and realize now that it stirred up a lot of feelings and emotions with me.I am trying to let go,done a lot of talking about it and praying on it.
I am having a lot of trouble letting go. Even though this person was in recovery,it wasn't the most healthy friendship.I want to try to contact her and make another amends but my sponser and my therapist don't think its a good idea.
Has anyone had a similar situation? Any suggestions on letting go? I don't know why I am allowing someone to control me!! Leaving me stuck with my recovery.
I am not going to drink or drug over it,not even thinking about it. I guess I am feeling the guilt and shame . I haven't forgiven myself yet, thought I did.
Any feedback would be helpful, thanks..............
Sue

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