Today i am sober. Today I am motivated. Today I am free to be myself.
Recovery has been an interesting experience so far. I am learning to really look at myself. No rose-colored glasses to be seen.
I have hope for change and am starting to see a glimmer of those changes. I know there are good things on the horizon and the bad things that may come cannot take them away.
Today I am hopeful.
Although my Holidays were good I honestly gave no thought to my recovery. Didnt even cross my mind until a couple days ago.
Here is a quick chapter in "The Story Of Tammy", which is, of course, a living document.....
Three Christmas parties, Christmas shopping. socializing. Having to get dressed up and be happy. The responsibility of making everything perfect for my son and mom so I dont somehow deprive them of all the joy holidays should bring. FINDING joy in my sons as always. Wanting to hide from the rest of it all.
You see, for some reason having people around me for extended periods of time is overwhelming for me. A bit like sensory overload. All I want to do is bury myself under the covers.
OK, Im great now and despite the unhealthy habits I have retreated to, I did have a great holiday. I am so blessed by my family and friends. Surprisingly I have had moments of ACTUAL happiness and excitement for the future. I havent felt that for YEARS. And guess what? I wasnt drinking or eating or cuddled up in bed during these epiphanies.
Could this be a new chapter?
Heres the rub, if I had been PRACTICING my recovery these last days, how much more happines and excitement would I have felt?
I'm gonna keep that one close to my heart!
Wow, I can't believe how darn good I feel today. I think my mind has been screaming for this recovery process for years. It worked when I did it 15 years ago so why did I ever stop? Geez, thats an easy answer... I thought I was all better. No more panic attacks, lotsa good distractions like food, alcohol and destructive friends. Not that it was thier fault, hec I probably encouraged most of the destructive crap we did on the weekends.
So recovery was forgotten. Ever so slowly the disease gained more power. I have to laugh at myself. I did go through the obvious pitfalls like alcohol and bad decisions in my sex life but for the last five years or so i have stopped the binge drinking and careless relationships. Man have I patted myself on the back more than a few times. What a good girl I have been. I stay home most of the time. I rarely drink and never drink to get drunk. Well hell, im a model citizen.
EXCEPT for a few little problems....
Im terrified of relationships.
I can go all day without eating because that fattening 'special' meal at night is what I wait for. Its a drug i'm pining away for.
Then there is the sleeping. I can stay up all night when I am relativly alone but all I want to do during the day is sleep. Luxurious mind-losing sleep where all the uncomfortable feelings go away.
Hmmm, there is also the fact that when the work week is over I do not want to leave the house much less my bedroom. After all, it is house central for me. Big TV with Tivo, nice computer setup with my favorite games and s**t tons of books for distraction.
Good Lord when did this become normal.
I am not living, just functioning.
I am waiting to be left alone.
I am teaching my precious boy how NOT to cope. Hell. I'm not even sure what it is i'm trying to avoid coping with.
Anyway, I can tell i'm on the right track. I am feeling hope again. What a concept. HOPE.
Im gonna need this site, i'm gonna need all of you and I know God has blessed this. So, thank you.
