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Viewing 1 - 8 out of 8 Blogs.
Life is good. Work is good. Recovery is good. Things are just great. I am knocking on wood right now though. lol never know. But yeah. I have hit some hard spots in the last week or so. But eh who hasn't right? Other then that my life is pretty good thus far.
My mind has been so far off lately it seems like everything I think is not me thinking. Its either lost or blank. Never know what I am doing anymore. I know I am doing great in life but my mind is just not believing that at all. Its rather weird. There are days when I wish I would wake up and just be okay. But nah. I know that would be far to easy. Like someone says, I wish my troubles would melt away like lemon drops in my mouth. That would be just nice. Though I love me right now I am just unsure. Things are happening and its making me uneasy. I am unsure and becoming sad more everyday. I would like to drink just because I miss drinking with my best friend but I know that wont make a difference. One day I really wanted to drink with her so we went and got some apple juice and drank it all. It was rather fun. But I am doing good thus far, I suppose.
For some reason today is just really getting to me. I cant stand it at all. All I keep thinking about is drinking and going out to party. I want to go hang out with my friends but I know there will be drinking going on no matter where I go. I am suppose to go to my friends 21st birthday party tonight but I turned that down because I know there will be lots of drinking. I wanted to go hang out with a small group of friends but they are going to a bar for a show. So right now I am just not sure what to do. I am starting to romance those thoughts. I just want them gone and out of my mind. Today is really to much for me. I just need to get out of my skin and run. Not sure.....
Everything seems to be falling apart for me right now. People are just getting under my skin. I am not trying to let them but for some reason they just are. I just cant stand when people try to make you feel bad just because you don't want to do something, that can cause trouble to your life. Its hard for me right now to be a good friend and take care of myself. I know its important that I help myself right now but I also want to be there for my friends who are struggling with the loss of my friend. I am torn and don't know which way to go. Does anyone have any advice for this?
Normally I would be on my 4th beer while I finish this paper work right now. And thats all I can think about. The boring paper work is not going away, this night is so long, and I just want to sleep and be rested for work tomorrow. I hate being alone at night while I am wide awake. It drives me so crazy. Those cravings just seem to get under my skin and itch me the right way. Normally when I do paper work this late I just get it done and go to bed. But tonight I am waiting for some things to download so I can add them to my report. Which means I get a 45 minute break and a lot of free time right now. So I am a little uneasy and worried. I have thoughts running through my head but I am shooing them away as fast as I can. I just need to keep my mind busy but thats very hard to do when you are alone.
I had drank something today that I normally would drink with my liquor and it made me have an urge. I called a friend and talked it through. Just made me realize things I thought couldnt be a trigger turned out to be one. Yeah, it sucks that I cant drink my vanilla pepsi any more but I am not going to risk my sobrity just so I can have some soda. There are other sodas out there that I love more anyways. Just came as a HUGE shock to me when it happened. Im just glad I was able to call someone and not romance my thoughts.
One of my good friends died a few weeks ago by some drunken idiots in the car. She was drunk too. The passenger decided that it would be fun to grab the stearing wheel and pull it while they were driving. My friend died that night and she was only 19. Her best friend of course is heart broken and very depressed. She swore off drinking and going out to parties. But tonight she is out drinking and having fun. Now having fun I having nothing against. But how can you go out a drink after your best friend just died because of that. It just makes me so mad that I want to drink and get out of this reality. I know it will still be there when I sober up. Its just so hard sometimes to get through the nights I remember her. Even when its the good times I still break down and cry and just want to pick up that drink. I am not sure on how to get rid of these feelings.
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Cocaine
Posted On 03/06/2008 01:28:42
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Well my name is Stevie and I am an alcoholic. I have been drinking for about 4 years. I know its not a long time but it was long enough for me. I use to do drugs about a year and a month ago. I did coke and E a lot. Coke took me to bad places that I never want to go again. I was watching scarface on Saturday and for some reason at the end of the movie when there is all that coke, something triggered me. But its so weird that I would have one from a movie. I have had it right there in front of my face sober and drunk. I have always turned it down and never had any urges or even thought about it. So for me to feel this strongly about it just scares me. I want it to go away so badly. I am worried that I might romance it and let the thoughts take over. I have talked about it with mant people as well but it just does not seem to help. I feel like I have to do it in order to make it go away. But I don't want to of course. I am not sure what to do at all.
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