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Posted On 10/14/2007 17:53:25
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I'm working. I'm straight.... and my brother died last weekend. I'm still miserable, oh yeah, I got married too.
I'm in an ill mood. Court is tomorrow for sentencing. I already know that I got to plead first offender,,, I get 4 months or more of drug court. For all those who don't know what that is..... its classes and lectures by a supreme court judge in Bibb County Ga. Once or twice a week, drug testing and absolutely no flubbing up for the entire duration. I can't have any excused absences , I just can't be absent at all once I start, or its probation time for me. I guess it could be alot worse. I'm thankful. My boyfriend, who was getting out of rehab on the 20th of April, got hurt on the job at a company he was working for while he was at rehab. He fell and broke his leg in 3 places, they did surgery on the 19th, putting in 2 metal plates and numerous screws, almost rebuilding his entire ankle joint. So now he is home with his leg in a cast, and is almost immobile. Oh, and I didn't get the job I had, because of this accident he had. I had to leave here and go to Albany, Ga. while he was in the hospital and I lost the opportunity for the job. No other offers have called. So I feel like I'm back to square one once again. 
Well damn,,, I thought I would be happy today.. I got a JOB. How bout that!! I have to go tomorrow to do my paperwork. And I should start Wednesday. I have to be in Albany friday morning to pick Randy up from rehab. I don't know yet if they are expecting me to work that day or not. Then I got the paperwork from court, telling me I'm being charged with possession of meth, I have to be in court on April 25th at 9am. I already knew this, but it sucks to see it written on paper in front of you.. I'm worried, hell I'm scared! I have never been in trouble before, I don't know what is going to come out of this. I have so much to be happy about,, but it's really hard when you feel like its all pouring in at one time..
Tags: Depressed
Well, I'm still alive and kicking. I have gotten enrolled into an outpatient treatment program. I'll start group next week. Still going to my AA meetings every week. My boyfriend will be home (from rehab) for good, on the 20th of April. BUT I found out that I have a court date on the 25th for my sentencing. I'm not looking forward to that much at all. I've had a couple of interviews over the past week or so, but,,,,, no one has called back since they do their background checks.  Bummer! It's their loss. It's really a shame that once you decide to straighten your life out, there are people that always seem to know how to put you back in your past. I can't figure out, how society expects any recovering junkie to try to get better when they can't see past mistakes that you have made in the past. How are we supposed to live if they don't want to give you the benefit of the doubt?? Oh well.... I just keep hitting my knees and being thankful for what I do have, and hopefully what is to come......... stay tuned/.......
Ok, so I made my 90 days....I'm proud of myself. But I've had a really bad 2 days. My oldest daughter, who is 14, called last night crying so hard that I couldn't understand what she was saying. She had a fight with her Dad, and was begging me to come and get her. (She is 500 miles away from me). I tried to talk to her and calm her down, but I could hear my ex in the background screaming and demanding for her to get off the phone. I called back later to speak to him, because there is always 2 sides to every story, all I got from him is that she has a lack of respect for authority, and he will fix this flaw in her. I did learn some things from him about my child that I'm not too happy about. But she is 14 and I have been there once upon a time too. She feels like she is not being supported by him in her efforts for school activities and they aren't really allowed to do alot because he is not home with them as much as I think he should be. I can't help but feel responsible for her unhappiness, because my life as a drug addict is what led to them being so far away with a Dad that they have really had little to do with until 2 years ago. My plan for recovery didn't go as I first planned, and what I intended to be a short stay with their Dad, has turned into a 2 yr stay. I feel like I have let them down, because instead of getting help when they left, my addiction hit its all time high, I got so much worse instead of going to rehab to get help. I know they have every right to be angry and hurt with me for all the hell they have been thru with me and my "problem". Now what really hurts me so much is that I'm finally doing what I should have done 2 yrs ago, I'm in an outpatient treatment, I'm saving all the money I can get my hands on (taxes, and doing some house cleaning for people). I'M 90 DAYS CLEAN.. thats a milestone to me. I should be proud of myself but I feel so much regret for hurting my children all these years and not being able to be with them now when they need me the most. I know that I'm working on myself, and I have to do this before I can be there for them, but I've got a 14 yr old that is hating life, and talking about doing stupid stuff if she doesn't get to leave her Daddy's house soon. I feel her pain, and it is breaking my heart. She says she feels like she doesn't have anyone to talk to and I know my ex is not the Dad that I thought he was once. He is very hot headed and demands respect in degrading ways to a child. I can't talk to him about my kids problems there without fighting with him, or without hearing how I caused all this by being a "*f*&#@ing junkie." I don't expect him to be understanding of my problems, but I do expect him to be more loving and concerned with the mental status of my kids. I'm at a loss and feeling really upset with myself for being the cause of all of this. I feel I need to get in touch with my daughters school and find out if there are some couselors available to talk to her. I'm aware that I will have to be open to them about my situation and the possibility that my daughter is having a hard time dealing with the fact that her Mom is a drug addict. I pray for strength and I pray for guidance and comfort for my children. On this 90 day mark..... the only thought that comes to mind,, is "welcome back to reality". Say a prayer for me and mine, I really need all the help from my Higher Power I can manage right now.
Well,,,, Today I started on a new lifestyle change,,, a diet. When I was at the height of my addiction to meth, I lost about 70 lbs. When I started trying to get into a recovery program I was about 130-135. I won't say what I'm weighing in at today, but since I've never been a small person anyway, and I did get to be small for a while, I don't like regaining what I did lose. I went to GNC today, after I had a discussion with someone at my outpatient rehab. I have to be very careful about what supplements that I can take to help in my quest to get fit and stay that way. Some supplements contain ingredients that will make you test positive for meth, some contain things that can make you " jones". I'm beginning to see that there will be a lifetime of things that I have to be wary of. Someone that hasn't had the regret of experiencing an addiction would never understand. I think that I totally befuddled to salesperson at the GNC, I told him that I couldn't take things that make you test positive for meth on a urine test. I like the fact that some people don't see me as a bad person, he thought it was my place of employment that I was worried about,, lol,, not my problem with addiction.. bless his heart. I chose to not clue him into my dilemma. It felt good not to be judged today.
Tags: Happy
Well, the days are getting better. I just got home from my AA meeting. I didn't feel like going since I'm sick with a cold, but you know when you don't feel like going is usually when you need to. Our topic was willingness... I know I have to be willing to go to meetings even when I don't want to, and I know I have to be willing to let God's will be done, and not mine. Self-will got me into the mess I called my life for so long. Today, I am a step closer with my Higher Power, I can humble myself on my knees and say what I need to say to him. I am willing to let go and let him. I can't make myself better, but with him I can. I feel good. I'm almost at my 90 day mark, and I don't have any desire to use, I'm so thankful for that. I've had prayers answered this week, so I know, that if you truely believe and accept God and his love for you, anything is possible. I had friends from my home group in AA, that have been back out adding to their stories, that came back into group this week, I'm thankful that they found their way back. It's shameful to some that have had alot of clean time to go back out and then try to return. They think we all look down on them when they walk in, they don't realize that we are so glad to see them come back we don't have time to judge them. Its not our place to do that.... Every night I do ask God to take care of the ones that are still suffering and can't seem to find a way back. By the way, I lost a good friend in the tornadoes we had here in Georgia last Thursday night. I don't question why God does the things he does, I just thank him for taking him quickly and not making him suffer. I know he is in a better place now. I'm just thankful to be alive today myself, and to be clean and not have a desire to get high. Thank God! I'm willing to do what I have to do to stay this way! One day at a time!
Tags: Happy
The past week has been hard as hell. I'm still jobless, might as well be homeless, I don't even own a car to get to a job if I had one. I'm still attending my AA meetings, without them I would be totally lost. On the other hand, I did get accepted back into an outpatient rehab program. I've still not used since Dec 14th, 2006. My boyfriend, is completing his 2nd month in resident treatment. I got to see him 2 weeks ago for his weekend pass to come home. It was a rough weekend to say the least. Its hard to be around someone that was not only the love of your life, but a using buddy as well. I went out and I literally applied for any job in the very small town where I reside. Jobs here are few and hard to find here. I don't care if I have to flip burgers or whatever, I just need to work. An idle mind is the devil's playground. Boredom gets me into alot of trouble sometimes. I still feel like I'm getting no where. I want a job, and my own place to live. I want to pay my own bills and feed myself. All the little things that addiction has taken from me that I didn't appreciate for so long. All I can do is hit my knees in the morning first thing, and pray to God for my sobriety, and pray that the rest will soon follow. I'm taking things One day at a time, but sometimes its difficult to live feeling worthless, and feeling like you're a child once again.
Tags: Lonely
You know, my significant other called from his treatment place today. He is working his fourth step, and was having a break in emotions. I'm there for him always, of this I have no doubt. I know there are things that he will have to let go of that I will probably never hear about and I'm sure there are some things that I'm glad I won't be hearing. Sometimes along our paths of destruction, we all do things that we don't regret or think about in that moment. It's in giving our lives over to a Higher Power, that the real emotions tend to kick back in, and reality has an ugly face sometimes. My week has started off to a slow crawl. I'm not getting any closer to a long term rehab, waiting list upon waiting list. Well, as anyone knows, in my sick mind, I WANT IT NOW!!! 2 years ago, I sent my kids to visit their Dad, thinking I could get into treatment while they were gone. Well, that summer visit turned into a 2 yr residency. My ex is not the father that I thought him to be. Everytime that I talk to my kids, I hang up the phone crying and brokenhearted. They spend alot of time being alone because he is always gone, and he is really physical with them. I guess that he thinks that he can physically push them to respect him. He repeatedly tells them what a "worthless junkie" I am, and that I will be lucky if I ever get to see them again. I'm tired of breaking promises to my kids. I promised that I would get straight, but I have to have a certificate from a recognized treatment facility before I can go and get them and bring them home. Then it will still be a war. I have to go to court friday, for the possession charges, I'm a bundle of nerves even though its only a preliminary hearing. I can only pray that His will be done, and let go and let God.
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