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July 6th, (in less than 2 hours) i will have 1 year sober... OH BOY LOVE YOU ALL SAM
Tags: Till 1 Year Sober
Hi, Ive had 2 people told me so far that it is normal to get worked up and all jittery and emotional when coming up on an anniversery. Well my 1 year sober is July 6th and i am getting nervous and have been nervous i raelize for this entire 11th month of recovery and possibly month and a half and possibly this entire year. I have been up and down, depressed and happy, relaxed and angry, agitated and antsy, loving, funny, and sad... Right now i am jittery since its coming up very soon. Im like getting an adrenaline rush
So i had a discussion earlier today with my sponsor about my whole food problem and sex problem. I am on step 6 too and he talked about his story with step 6 and how it took him 3 years to complete it. Basically just like all the other steps, but most like step 1, when i am beaten i become willing. I've been beaten, but am i smart enought o know when its time to stop getting beaten? Than he explained to me Maslow's Hierarchy of needs dealing with food and my entire life. He said to me to my entire life that i wasn't even on this pyramid... That i didn't know how to take care of myself. That i was on the self destructive bar my entire life, and used drugs and now food to numb myself and to harm myself and cleansing or whatever. 
My entire life ive been trying to kill myself with drugs and alcohol and everything. He said that i need to go through the process of counting my calories. My entire life i havent counted calories, it is important to know about health, so when someone freaks out and sees me counting calories they automaticallyg et worried and think im going to overdo it. yes i beat myself up alot for eating 7 or 8 cookies lol, but u kno.. Temperance. I truly have alcoholism: Alcoholism: alcoholism is a complex chronic psychological and nutritional disorder associated with excessive and usually compulsive drinking. Thats my shpeel and im sticking to it.
Tags: Take A Look At This
And Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. If I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing unacceptable to me. If I do not accept my alcoholism than I cannot stay sober. If I cannot accept life on life terms than I will never be happy. I need focus on what needs to be changed in the world as in what needs to be changed in me and my needs. That was a great story in the BB. I liked it because he talked about drugs too, something thats not too common in an AA story. I've been having huge problems recently with accepting myself for who I am and especially with food and working out. I have a food problem, I like to beat myself up alot, whether thinking about taking laxatives, working out extra hard... I have lost a significant amount of weight and no longer considered in the overweight category according to body mass index. But it does not stop there with me, I try to lose more and more weight and get the body that i so desire. There are 3 reasons why I want to build a great body and lose weight: 1. To feel like I'm above other people and other guys, than I'm more sexire than them. 2. I do it for other girls so that I become more desirable to them and in hopes that they will walk up to me or be more warm. 3. I do it to fill the obsession in my head that I need to be perfect and it gets me away from life and reality. 4. I also do it hoping that iwth having a great body that my mind will follow and that I will no longer be shy (character defect i believe) and I will be able to talk to girls once I get muscular and weigh my net goal. = This whole losing weight thing seems to be the problem itself, not me. I am creating more drama and chaos for myself and digging the hole deeper than just accepting myself for who I am and putting a plug onto the whole thing. I know what your all gonna say, trust god, clean house, accept yourself... Yeah yeah yeah.... How the heck do I do it other than just DOING IT....... 
I thought self-esteem was a character defect and someone made it clear to me that it is not. You have no idea how angry and furious and rageful i am right now that it is not and now i have to do so much more work it is just angering meeeeeeeee so much.... I am not smart enough to memorize all these friggen character defects and try and fit them with my 4th step resentments and match them up and eliminate the garbage, godarnnit..... Im just so angry cuz its so hard and I AM PISSED I NEED POINTERS ON HOW TO DO THIS STUPID THING. Veryyyyyyyyy angry
Im was doing fine and the next moment you know im goin nuts, im angry, im online, i show anger and passive agressiveness online and i call people out on their s**t. I was so content tonite, and than i got home i got hungry *wait a minute it all started with having a cup of coffee at the meeting* and than i ate fruit at home and drank 2 cups of water... And than after that I went on the internet (After watching tv wtih dad) and i started looking up how to lose weight fast and something else personal which is totally outrageous *never content with where i am so i want to be perfect>.....* And i started looking for herbal remedies, i did nto look at pills, but i looked at herbal remedies and tea, and s**t and exercises to get better, and how to reduce chest size stuff like that and i went like crazy and im on a run right now and am nuts. Than im like a bit like hyper and agitated right now, i dont really what to do.... i need to talk to someone... i am stiff from yoga today and i am nuts right now....
I am so unbelievably angry right now even before going to bed this is renunculous... i had a sludge explosion in the camera department at work... This godarnnnnnnn playlist.com website keeps on forgetting my password and GETTING ME SERIOUSLY WORKED UP i HAD NO PARKING SPACE OUTSIDE MY OWN HOUSE BECAUSE THE KIDS ACROSS THE STREET WERE HAVING A PARTY Oi have not shared with anyone and have not been to a meeting in 2 days I have not taken my medication in 2 days.... I thought about going over to their party and chilling witht hem... I also thought about using this cold meidcine that my mom has for me because I have a sore throat. But thats insane, and i want to stay sober. But im horribly f'ingggggggggggg pissed off right now
1. I first had codependency issues hugely... that was my first addiction. I am an addicted codependent - Became an adult child 2. I than became a video game addict - I became addicted to myself 3. I than became addicted to food 4. I became addicted to weighing myself, weight watchers, losing weight, and people pleasing addiction. - I became addicted to being super self conscious and not taking my shirt off no matter what 5. I began my control of others and myself addiction. 6. I began my comparing myself to other people addiction 7. I began obsessing 8. I began my addiction to fear 9.. I began my addiction to not standing up for myself, being passive, and becoming an addicted walking doormat. 10. I became addicted to saving money in my savings account 11. I became addicted to Pogo Online games 12. I became addicted to the internet, yahoo messenger, chatrooms, talking to girls and trying to get in their "pants" online which is ridiculous. 13. I became addicted to girls 14. I explored porn 15. I explored drugs 16. I tried alcohol. I became an alcoholic 16. I explored the drug maturation stage of feeling like a man because Im doing drugs and im on top of the world 17. I became addicted to www.erowid.org 18. I became addicted to my drug dealer (who i met off the internet on house arrest) 19. I became addicted to porn 20. I became a drug addict 21. I becamea pathological liar, addicted to lying... 22. I became heavily codependent 23. I became addicted to my insecurity and the other voice, and chose not to just listen to the devil in me, but to believe in the devil and me and call myself a piece of crap. 24. I was addicted to not facing life on lifes terms 25. I became addicted to bipolar chatroom - I became addicted to being in my dormroom 26. I became a vegetable in the hospital for 72 hours 27. I became addicted to buying drugs off the internet 28. I became addicted to getting myself into a whole and tearing my mom and dad apart with their feelings towards me, destroying them... 29. I became a recovering drug addict 30. My co-dependency issues on girls have increased 31. My Porn addiction has increased 32. My food addiction has increased 33. My possible food disorder is on the verge of eruption 34. I became addicted to Narcotics Anonymous 35. I became addicted to Alcoholics ANonymous 36. I became addicted to working out at the gym, running, lifting weights 37. I became addicted to my sponsor 38. I've become addicted to myrecoveryspace 39. I am addicted to this girl who I know wants to do it with me who I met last nite, and was with her for hours, and now i cannot get her off my mind... I am obsessing even after talking about it and talking about it and talking about it and talking about it... 40. I am addicted to my hypnagogia at nite time 41. I am addicted to picking up that social security check every month 42. I am addicted to drinking tea before i go to bed (Instead of cookies). 43. I am addicted to vitamin C and then...thats the past... Right now, for this very moment. I choose to be free from active addiction.
Tags: My Development Of All My Addictiosn Throughout Life Just Listed Here
Hi, I have to confess something. I have not been abusing my medication, i am prescribed two medicines, one for bipolar disorder and 1 for trazadone. And this has been buggin the s**t out of me today what my sponsor said to me. He said, "Your using!" "Its drug abuse, i kno you like to play around with your medication..." And im like... Im no longer in denial about that, I really am not. It like kind of shocked me that he said that. I've been workin so hard, blah blah blah... I have been working hard though. What I am doing though is not right. Has to do with earning something from the government because I am on a certain medication... If you get the drift.. We disclose in a general way, but not specific way in public. And I know truly that I am not this diagnosis, i might be, but in my heart im not... And this is a huge issue with me I don't know if this is called abusing drugs sinec Im on medication that i convinced myself 2 years ago that i needed to be on because of my disease of addiction. None of these are addictive. My sponsor said i still have a drug dealer and thats "Pharma". I'm really considering getting off my trazadone and just stop taking the other med and still being prescribed it, playing stupid s**t like in order to still receive something in... I'm afraid of this situatio and has been a long time coming, an dmight continue to be along time coming. I know that I'm man enough to stand up, but I just don't know how. I know that I am not abusing my medication, but i guess in a sense my sponsor means that Im using drugs that aren't for me but they have changed my chemistry and when i do get off of them that i will be f'd in the head for a bit and maybe for a while. He challenged me to stand up... I'm freaked the f out...
Tags: His View On Meds And What Im Doing
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