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Viewing 1 - 4 out of 4 Blogs.
I wish I could get the strength to go to a Co-Dependancy meeting. I wish I could think about Peter and not binge ... or try to contact him. I miss him ... it's the worst kind of pain. I think of him and my heart starts breaking and I feel like crying ... but I still miss him.
Every day, I feel like I put on this brave face and this front. I go out there, I talk about him and how much he hurt me and destroyed my self esteem ... but when I'm alone ... he's all I want. He's all I think about. And I want to know why he can't love me. What was is about me that was so hard to even get attached to? Does it hurt him that we haven't spoken?
I have this guy ... I met him online and he's breaking his neck to meet me. I don't particularly want to meet him. At first I did ... but now I feel like such a faker. I had an affair with a married man ... I think coz I was so angry at the world ... so angry at men ... and he's still on my case - although he is now in therapy to fix things with his wife. And today I met up with a guy I dated about six years ago ... and he couldn't stop apologising for how awful he was to me ... and I wonder if one day that will be Peter sitting there?
Does anyone have a pill that will just make me forget? It's funny, I guess this is where addictions to drugs and alcohol start coming into it. Kleptomania ... all that stuff. I get it now. I wouldn't do it - but I understand it.
I'm still seeing my psychologist. I demanded that she tell me what's wrong with me. She "doesn't like to label" her clients. But I do have pieces of Borderline Personality ... on the other hand I have a very warped condition that she hasn't seen much of before. I'm determined to hurt myself and keep doing it. If I do wrong by someone, it's almost like I bully myself about it until I'm punished into absolute misery.
I don't go out anymore. I don't really want another guy. I just want Pete back. Just to sit on the couch and hang out with him - sit with him while he has a cigarette. To go for a ride to an isolated country pub ... I'll never understand why he didn't love me. I always did what I thought he wanted. I lost track of who I am in the relationship. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I am without him ... but I know that I don't like myself without him.
I should've tried harder. I should've cooked dinner more. I should've washed his car after a fight ... I shouldn't have gone through his stuff the way that I did. There's so many regrets and nothing I can learn from because something inside me refuses to move forward.
When will I forget him? How long will this process take?? When will the pain come to an end? When will the tears stop?? When will my heart stop breaking?! Does anyone have any god darn answers on here?!?!!
I tried to contact him again... I want him to know I haven't forgotten - that I'll never forget  and I feel worse.
I'm at the point where I give up. I totally give up. If something bad happens I feel completely numb - I can barely react anymore. I have so many self help books that are taking over three quaters of my bed, I've read countless blogs and ideas, opinions and just list after list of ideas on how to be happy. How I can make myself happy.
I've gained about 20kg since starting to see Peter nine months ago and I'm so stressed now, I just can't kick it. So my psychiatrist and I are talking about me changing my medication. I always feel like such a psycho at times like this. I feel so mentally unbalanced. The slightest bit of feedback or criticism, or emails I can take the wrong way - just tear me apart and I start making the wrong decisions.
I'm new in a job and there's this lady there. She's been there for 16 years and any little idea that I have, she shoots down. She's competitive with every little thing that I do and it's just ridiculous! I feel like I'm competing with my mother! She's old enough to be my mother. She hasn't got my qualification etc ... the thing that pisses me off is at the end of the day, aren't we a team?!
And then I stupidly confided in my friend Bryan, who was my best friend. We've hooked up before ... and it took one night for him to cheat on me with two other girls. So when the same thing happened this time around - not only was I not shocked, but I almost went 'well ... it could be worse, at least it was just ONE girl this time!' He told me he was single...
So right now, I'm more than happy to be single. Men are complicated. I'm being very quick to end friendships if I think they're too much hard work and I just move on. Keep moving forward. I don't want to look back! I think it's been two weeks since I spoke to Peter. I've thought about him every day, and it doesn't hurt any less, but I can't contact him anymore because I'm so much further ahead than I was. I don't cry anymore. But I feel miserable inside all the time. In a way, I feel like I've given up on being happy.
I wish I was someone else... 
Tags: And Then
Well, I've finally had my last goodbye with Peter. We've had about a million last goodbyes but this time I'm determined to be strong and not give in. The last time we spoke was Thursday - October 23. Right now, it feels like it's been years.
It was my fault really. He wasn't treating me the way I wanted to be treated, so I thought back to what I did in high school when I was getting all the guys. Easy - seduce his friends! So I did. And I sent him photos, ironically that Peter had taken of me. He seemed interested. Of course, mates sticking by mates, despite everything he said to me, he called Peter the next day to tell him he had them.
Well Peter went off! One minute I used him, the next minute I'm playing on his emotions, the next minute he doesn't want me - but no one else can have me either. It went on and on and I stopped myself for a moment and went "Wow, well ... I'm really sorry you feel that way. Obviously this isn't working out anymore, bye" and it was over. I hung up and although I'm SO tempted to pick up that phone or to add him back to my online messanger so we can talk to each other again - I've stopped myself.
And then the other night, my best friend - stupidly, a male - who has ALWAYS been there for me and I got together. All my friends were really excited that it was finally happening. We'd been together briefly when we were 17, but he wasn't ready for it - which was clear coz he cheated on me with another two girls. Well, I found out today that actually, his so-called ex girlfriend who he'd broken off with MONTHS ago, was still his girlfriend. Right...
I realise not all men are dogs, but it's definitely hard to tell myself that they're not right now, when it seems that it's all I'm demonstrated. OK, I pick the wrong ones. I don't need a man. Whatever - I hear it all the time. Even being with my friend didn't take my mind off Peter and the fact that he stuffed me around as well, just makes me want to go back to Peter even more.
I had a dream about Peter last night for the first time since. A nightmare really. Woke up in a sweat, felt like I hadn't slept. It was awful. He was just about to announce his engagement to another woman... don't know why that shattered me when he's been MARRIED all year!
It was such a disjointed dream. Everything that was a problem with us came up. The fact that he wouldn't tell his friends about me - I show up at his house unannounced - his friends are there. He's nowhere to be seen. I walk into a room where his mother is and a few other girls (who she's trying to set up with Peter) and ask where he is. She nearly chokes at the sight of me. Tells me he's in his room. I go to his room (it's a house with so many rooms, I keep going through the wrong doors and getting deadends along the way), but finally I find him. He's sifting through his clothes rack - looking for something to wear for this party he's about to have. I'm obviously not invited. We argue, I start walking out and his mother mentions that he's about to announce his engagement. I panic and trying to get out of there, keep running into all his friends. I want to find Peter to ask if it's true but he's vanished... as I'm walking away, he finds me and tells me it's not true and that he wants me back... we kiss... utter chaos.
When I am really really depressed, I have nightmares. When I can't escape the pain when I'm asleep as well, I wake up and I'm suicidal. That's a fair call - I think. Can't even escape when I'm sleeping... and I wonder if this is the beginning of a series of nightmares. Will I ever get a goodnights sleep again - I'm too scared to sleep now because it hurts so much more when I wake up from these dreams.
I'm 25. Rationally, I know I have a lot to live for and a lot to give. But my heart is breaking and I feel like Britney Spears on a good day. Literally - I feel so self destructive. Coz it is in my head. I know it is. And I still can't break away from it.
Am I going about all this the wrong way??
A bigger piece of me at the moment is saying "F**k men! Go get your crosstrainer, spend the money, work out in your spare time". At the end of the day, we can only rely on ourselves. I feel like I've lost lovers and friends lately. I don't want to go out. I don't want to party. I don't want to see anyone. I work, I come home, I vege on my computer and I sleep. When I lived alone, I was at my happiest. No one could touch me. If I don't talk to anyone, I can't misinterpret anything, so I can't get hurt. If I don't get hurt, then I feel ok. If I feel ok then ... that's a fuckin' rare moment right now... so I'd be happy.
I don't want to see shrinks anymore. I realise now that being with Peter, I was only hurting myself. And the more I hurt, the more I wanted to hurt his wife... but now that I've broken free - sure, I miss him ... but there is a bigger part of me that doesn't want to go back through the cycle again. Even if the sex WAS really good!
One day, I'll find the perfect man - at least for me. That day ... hasn't come.
Sair xxx
I've never been addicted to anything in my life... well, not as far as I know. Not til I met Peter. And I don't like the idea of having an addiction to a person. I've never been needy in my life! And let's face it - it sounds creepy! It sounds like I'd stalk him til the day I die ... but it's not really like that.
Pete's going through a divorce. In fact, papers are meant to be signed this month. At first, I thought that's why I wanted to be with him - just to take his mind off it. It seemed he had alcohol that was doing a better job at that than I was.
All year we were on and off. When things were on - they were really on - it was a great relationship, but when things were off, my world would come crashing down. And who knew when it would be off ... for the entire year I lived not knowing where I would be the next day - at my parents house or at his house (an hour and a half away) ... and all it took was a bad day at work and he would come home and say "I want to be alone, go back to your parents" or whatever it was. There were other times that he would just ignore me for three days straight, while I stayed home looking for a job in his area, dying for him to come through the door, only for him to walk by me and not say a word. After pushing for what the problem is ... I landed back at home.
Not once, in the whole relationship, despite what my friends were begging me to see, did it occur to me that our love was toxic, bad or dangerous. I did try to kill myself - a life without him wasn't one I wanted to live. I did go to hospital - which I think is just a challenge, trying to prove your sanity... but never, not once, did I fall out of love from Peter.
My friends can list the hundred ways that he has shown that he not only doesn't love me, but he doesn't even care about me on a friendship level, but I just won't see it. I feel like if I concentrate on that, I will fall into a depression deeper than I've ever experienced and not get out. So I must focus on the positives ... which means, the minute he calls me, I go running straight back to him.
I want to give him my life, even now... I want to be with him more than anything and offer him what his ex wife never did - loyalty, love, compassion ... the chance at coming first. For once. CHILDREN! If that's what he wants... I don't care what I want, it doesn't come into it anymore. It's all about him and his happiness. And then I resent myself for forgetting about me - letting my needs go by the wayside so that his wants can be achieved as quickly as possible.
So why is it, that an intelligent person like me, that can see that there is a problem here, just can't leave? Why when I'm away from him do I feel like I'm about to snap in half? When we fight, my heart shatters? But when he asks to see me, I'm speeding down the highway, adrenalin pumping through me in full force ... and when I see him, I feel like I'm in a protected bubble where it's just him and me... Why haven't I felt that way about someone else before? Why can't I feel that way about someone else to just distract me for a while?
If I had one wish, it wouldn't be that we could be together, it would just simply be for his happiness. He doesn't do enough for himself. And while I do empathise and care ... I'm sick of this feeling, while I'm away from him, that I'm breaking in half.
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