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In my throws with ptsd I found myself staring at more trauma than I bargained for. Dating back many years. The first time I used when I was 11...I was in an awful place and I was suffering from ptsd but never knew it. I didn't have a name for it. I knew something was wrong. So hand in hand went the two. Addiction and Trauma. I medicated it myself for many years. I've been slipping up here and there. But not a full fledged type relapse. Each day is new and symptoms ease or hurt depending on my triggers which I avoid faithfully. I have isolated myself. I am very very alone. I'm afraid I may overwelm people or harm my friendships further. I can't face people at all lately. I do but I retreat quickly or try to avoid them. If they push in ...I kick them out. I want friends but I'm sure they dont want me right now. I can't go to meetings. It's impossible. I have no help with my disabled daughter. Meetings were hard for me anyway. i found myself triggered or unable to express myself fully. The steps were useful tho. I dont know...I was looking at my life in the long run and it scared me. i just need to take one day at a time....and with that I pass.... ~Ruby
I started a group about Ptsd and addiction it is called Finding Comfort....please join us....it's under General Recovery in groups.. ~Ruby
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD) is the human response to experiencing a traumatic event - a life-threatening or extremely distressing situation that causes a person to feel intense fear, horror or a sense of helplessness. This listing is a mix of symptoms of Complex(PTSD), which is the result of months or years of exposure to excessively controlled sexual and domestic life situations (survivors of domestic battering, marital or partner rape, childhood physical or sexual abuse and organized sexual exploitation).
PTSD can cause severe problems at home or at work.
Every individual is different and will have different combinations of symptoms. Most have depression and or panic and anxiety attacks. The issue of substance abuse or addiction is to be considered.
1) Alienation, feeling disconnected or abandoned form the purpose of the world, feeling all alone
2)Avoiding activities that arouse memories of the trauma/abuse
3)Compulsive or extremely inhibited sexuality
4)Cynicism, believing others are motivated by selfishness
5)Depression(sad, crying,angry, easily annoyed, on edge. These moods may happen in cycles or may be present most of the time)
6)Dissociative (spacing out)
7)Distrust of authority figures
8)Distrust of those previously trusted
9)Emotional distancing (not letting others see your true feelings)
10)Expressing a limited range of emotions
11)Explosive anger or overcontrolled anger
12)Flashbacks(intrusive memories) or feeling like you are reliving the abuse
13)Feeling helpless
14)Feeling hopeless, despair
15)Hypervigilance(watchful,always in a ready state to respond to potential crisis or trauma)
16)Loss of interest in activities or work
17)Loss of sustaining faith
18)Memory deficits or blackouts
19)Negative self image
20)Nightmares
21)Numbness, inability to feel emotions
22)Panic attacks
23)Problems with intimate relationships
24)Repeated failures of self-protection
25)Self-injury
26)Separation issues
27)Shame, guilt and self-blame
28)Sleep disturbances
29)Suicidal feelings, suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions
30)Survivor guilt
31)Withdrawal or isolation from family, friends, etc.
Tags: Ptsd
I grew up in a place that is unusual to some. My world was pretty much like all the things that they might describe in the 60's. There are no rules but then sometimes rules made up of their own. I don't group myself in with them since I grew up in it and didn't necessarily want to be a part of it all the time. The ideas about life in general...I kept what I wanted or felt was true. I test everything because there are so many truths. I was aware fo them because we were allowed the opportunities to believe as we all wished. The ideas were all open, free spirited and what we chose. However, I also grew up with the ideals of my father who had the rules of a biker. Some of which were honorable...such as not infringing on what they considered property. He had some "hates" and free spirited notions on hate which I did not pick up and often opposed. In my world it is ok to do that. You can think what you want so there really are no consequences. I am grateful for the free exchange of ideas. It is difficult for me to be Lds sometimes and at first. I am from free thinking being thrust into a "way of living" a "higher law" so to speak. I am grateful that the church is uplifting and tapped into the spirit with a place for checks and balances. It is the best church I have ever come across and I regret not doing it sooner. I always knew I came from somewhere else and that this is a shell and I belonged was elsewhere. I just tap into something that I don't remember but what I'd love to. I know that sounds weird. Anyway, one of the things I struggle with is staying to myself. Not the degree and severity of my husband. I was ok when I was married. I think that I am in a place so awful that I might not marry again. A lot of me doesn't have a problem with that. Some of me does. I am pretty much in control of myself but I think I have stronger desires in myself than most. I won't talk about who abused me, but I was abused growing up and it was made out to be "normal" as a part of the whole free love experience. It isn't so free when you feel obligated to do stuff. I was sexually active from a very young age, younger than most and even though I despise this and am good about keeping to myself I struggle with confusion. I have feelings of obligation to people who care for me, yet don't love me in that fashion. This is something I am struggling with now. I have to examine almost everything I do. I know that these things are not normal and that my life has been ruined by this abuse. I do what I can to overcome it. My husband pretty much enslaved me in that fashion and now I am out here on my own not enslaved to anything. Though this is a great relief to me since he was very violent...I find myself in a place that is uncomfortable in ways I can't understand. I am in a place of celebacy. It's something that will be a part of my life for some time to come. I have truly embraced my religion but I also know I have to keep myself clean in all senses. I am ok with this but my body isn't. It is used to being used up and I am not sure what to think. I pulled my TV and I try to do everything recommended to keep my head on straight. I don't want to marry again because I have a bad habit of choosing bad men even though I try to avoid all the awful things I grew up with. I was so sure that my husband was more a victem of his life than the agressor, he fooled me so badly and that kind of betrayal is hard to overcome. He always said he'd never hurt me or our children until he did. What's worse he past it off as normal which really messes with my head. I wonder how many "normal" people I can run into in a lifetime or suffering. I guess I just want to vent on hard that can be sometimes. ~Ruby
Tags: Reflective
I am going to meetings to keep up what I have managed to do for all these years. That is to stay relatively clean. My husband has left me in such an awful state emotionally that I live everyday for my children rather than myself. I have lost a great deal of self worth and confidence in me. All those things that I have been told have come back to eat at me....so I go to meetings because I know I can fall back into my ways very easily. Lots of people want to see me in a better place and try to set me up with people but I am so broken in myself I can't even imagine how I ever could. It is hard to be aware of my feelings and my hurt so much and I would love nothing more to be numb as I feel. I know I can't. ~Ruby
The big void was a topic of discussion at tonights meeting. You won't hear me talk to much about the void I try to fill. I think I have more than one. I want to be numb and not feel at all. To be comfortable around others, calm and stop all the rattle in my head. I want to make me normal, confortable, and be able to handle what is given me.....which is a lot. I hate being sober. being barren of all comfort in my mind. It is abhorant but it has been necessary. I am unable to control myself and end up near dead when I use. I want to cancel me out. I want to rip myself out of me and recreate me into something or someone else. I don't want to live with what is in my head. I'm not sure that I can, though I have for sometime now. I haven't been totally stripped for these years, I did have some times where I needed to use to even make it, the problem is that I start justifying it as an everyday use. I have managed to avoid that by some small miracle. It is good to be in the rooms again after all this time. Nothing deters me from myself anymore and what's worse is I am more damaged than I was going in. I'm not sure what the future holds for me. It seems I have those who depend on me to care for them and I have no choice but to go on for their sakes and not make it worse on them. I would be lost without my babies. I think I am the one person who will always know what they feel inside anyway. I am not a great mom in any case. I lack the capacity for authority and for structure which they need. But I do love them and try to care for them the best I can. I think it is important I stick it out for them. ~Ruby
Tags: Reflective
I have suffered from ptsd in various degrees throughout my life. I used this as my reason to use for a long time. Ptsd is a tough thing to go thru. It is nightmarish. I am struggling with this bad right now and I am going thru emdr therapy. Is there anyone else out there like me I can find support with. Someone who has been thru this too and can help me cope with it. Thanks. ~Ruby
hmmm. I am going thru an awful lot and doing it sober. I try to take one day at a time. I lost my husband a good three years ago when he became horribly abusive to me. I let this go for sometime until I managed to get enough courage (or waited until he started thinking about ending my life) to put him in jail. Then he died in jail. I have three little kids and they are such a mess because of what he has done. It's coming up on a year since this all happened. I drank twice after this and I knew I couldn't continue to do so or I would be no good to my kids at all. I fight the urges all the time but I know my fight is so well worth it. I used a few times while I was with him and I needed something for pain (believe me he was a pretty strong man). Other than this I have been clean all these years. I'm glad that I have been able to put this back down and go on. One of the things that helps me most is the lds church. They have some high expectations for living but it is importnat and worth the efforts. They are loving and non judgemental mostly and I have been grateful for the restored gospel and spiritual guidance that comes from being connected to the higher power in such a dramatic way. I have been prayerful and able to withstand against the idea that I need to comfort myself or solve my woes. I'm not taking meds and haven't used a sleep aid in months. It sits in my cabnet, and I haven't touched it. Man, years or more back I might have it gone in a week. But I clearly remember where I was. I think the day I was on the floor nearly in a coma from my handful of pink pain pills did it. I had been in recovery during that time and was really struggling with it. I went thru a very upsetting experince with a person I trusted who was a priest. I managed to take all this darvocette I had lying about and found myself on the floor unable to even move. I could bearly breathe. I thought I had finally done myself in, and perhaps at that moment I realised I had some more left in me. I did wake up several hours later and nursed myself for some a day or so before I got out of my house. What frightened me was how slow and nasty it seemed to take me over and that I was aware of my body shutting down. It is an awful thing. I am not sure if I cared that I survived or not before I did it. I was pretty upset. But I seemed to afterwards. After that I did everything I was supposed to do hoping that my life would get better. It has and it hasn't in many ways since then. Still the good Lord wants me to go on in this life. I don't think I have a choice you know...I have failed at so many attempts in leaving it. Sigh. I love my kids and right now they keep me alive. They keep me going. They have no one else to do this for them. So I can say to you I am free.....but I never take that freedom for granted. I never take a happy day without fully appreciating it. I know better days are possible. Trying to keep my chin up.... ~Ruby
Tags: Depressed
What has helped me to recovery is changing my habits. "people, places and things". Whatever addiction you have wether it be drugs or even an eating issue. Changing things and people who encourage you to be the way you don't want to be, helps. Not going to Tim Hortons if you have an eating issue, find a place where healthy food is served and make healthy choices. Have someone with you who knows and will watch that you do. I have loosed many friends I love simply because I didn't want to use anymore, but I have made new ones. I'm trying anyway, I am pretty anti-social. I have problems being social which is one of the reasons I drank. I replace things a lot, I keep very busy and find ways to always stay busy. I am going to meetings with a friend who feels I can be useful to the group...I have been clean a long while. I have no desire to go back but the love for what I did doesn't leave me so I should be careful not to think that I couldn't somehow fall back in to my old world. I don't think I will. ~my two cents for today...I have to go get to work TTYL ~Ruby 
Tags: Comfortable
I had a neat experience as I am attending a lds meeting for recovering addicts. My dearest friend who has been with me expressed her knowledge that we are all children of Heavenly Father, filled with light. I have been stuck in this thought all night. I almost cried because I struggle so much to see my own worth. When I hear this it just goes to my bones and heals so much of me. It was really beautiful. I might sleep tonight.... Ruby
Tags: Tired
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