I don't even know why I'm writing...I've been straying from here quite a bit...and from recovery overall. I'm sure as the New Year approaches, they'll be reformers a plenty. I just wish them success...

I've been trying to get along with my mom. No such luck. We just keep on disagreeing, keep on arguing, and now I'm thinking about just getting my Associate's, finding a job, moving in with my bf, and then leaving home, of course...but I'm still not entirely sure about all that. I suppose we'll see. 

On my wish list, there's so many different self-help and therapy books. It's like I'm my own psychologist. In a way, I have to be, because my parents don't have the money to pay for one...who has the money to pay for anything anymore...

I guess it doesn't help that I avoid people...or that I keep to myself...or that I'm a very mysterious, and very disengaged person to begin with...but I feel like the only one I CAN talk to properly is my only bro, and my bf. ...i don't even have a 'best friend'. i've never had a 'sponsor'. i've never had any sort of lead figure in my life once i reached my teens...

maybe I'm jealous. maybe i'm just disgusted. but i know it's not right to take it out on the program...it's a matter of changing attitude.

But, I can allow myself one day to cry.

Blessings,

+R

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I'm trying to get the courage to write...but I don't know what to say. Or, perhaps, the truth of the matter is, I don't know how to start.

Well, the first event that I begin to plan, and the 'sh*t hit the fan', as they say. A lot of people in the club complaining about this, complaining about that. It even got to the point where someone was continually harassing me online. Just a disgusting person...and I believe he got banned off of our club's forum due to it. But...a lot of words are going behind people's backs, so I have to talk to the remaining main planner, and see what we're going to do. With the club in it's current state of affairs...I'm thinking of quitting the club entirely, and cancelling the event, because it's way too much for one person to handle (the remaining planner).

Mom and I getting into even more fights lately. Brother's calling me miserable. And my Dad seems to be stepping in to be the 'Mom' lately. He asked what the matter was...and then said 'I could see her face all the way from the street looking upset'. My mom just answered him that I was in pain and having a 'bad day'.

No one cares to want to talk about why I'm miserable. Then again, if I were to be confronted about it, what could I say? Could I tell them that I feel like I'm reliving the reasons why I entered depression at the age of seven? Could I tell them that I was raped when I was 13, by my first boyfriend (who everyone thought was a scumbag, but only I knew he really was)? Could I tell them about all the boyfriends I saw in between? The one-day flings? And the ever-encompassing feelings of being worthless/stupid/naive? I could never tell them that...they wouldn't understand. And what if I did tell them? What would be the result? 'Oh, I'm sorry, I never knew'...and that would not resolve anything.

So I sit here, having had a small piece of vanilla frosted cake and the rest of a cheese babka (about 1/4th of the ring) for breakfast, my stomach already aching...and going to bed at 8 PM helped nothing, except for me to wake up at 6 AM, feeling uncomfortable and sick...but this is the consequence of being a regular, healthy girl (you know, healthy besides the obesity).

It's always said that if men had to go through the physical toils that women do (pregnancy and the typical 5-day cycle of bleeding per month), they couldn't do it. But, I wonder if that applies to emotional pain too. Then again, they are some emotionally-jaded women, and over-emotional/crybaby men...but typically, women feel more, because that's what they're programmed to know. Emotions, gestures, etc, so they can be better nurturers/caretakers of their family.

I don't know...again, just thoughts. I had started to write my story...and I didn't even get to the daily dose of 1,667 words...I don't even have that many...and it's already the middle of November...and I've given up on it, entirely. I hate when my life's stresses get in the way of my writing...

Anyway, hope everyone's been having a better past few weeks than I am.

Blessings,
+R

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I don't think I've ever had so much responsibility. My room was sufficiently clean...but now it's the last step of getting the last of the trash downstairs...and out of the room. There's also many a thing to donate. It's getting insane, almost.

I'm now one of the head planners of a fundraising event for my club. We're hoping to make enough revenue to outweight the cost of everything...and I can only pray and do everything possible, along with the other managers of the event, to give out a successful event, and give a one-two punch to those naysayers.

I have a major amount of work that's beginning to pile up, and it's beginning to get a bit insane, like I said, but I'm doing my best to keep my head above the water. I was able to project my voice during an announcement...this coming from a girl who HATES group work, who HATES talking out loud and giving speeches...but these are the circumstances, and I'm breaking out of my 'bubble'.

Yes, I'm tired, and yes, at points I feel like I'm on auto-drive...but I'm getting there. Also, there's a bit of info I found in my psych book about addiction. I'll post it when I get the chance.

Blessings,
+R

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By the time the night is over, I should have my cleaning up done. I have at least 6 bags that are filled with garbage from my room...mostly old papers, the like.

I really didn't realize how I haven't properly cleaned my room...perhaps ever. I'm 'growing up', and it's so evident now. I ended up donating most of my old stuffed animals...a lot of my clothing...hangers were set aside for my mom...shoes...accessories...books, cds, and dvds...it's all being donated or thrown out...and I realized how much my life is changing. 

Just a short little post. I'll put up more posts later...

Blessings,

+R

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Had a dream last night...it didn't make much sense, but it reminded me of how I lost so many 'friends' last Summer, and why I've changed so drastically. See, I don't really have 'friends'...plenty of acquaintances, yes, and even in the group I'm part of, there's still people who don't like me.

Probably because I stood up and announced how I thought the older members didn't care about the younger ones...I don't know, the club is kind of BS. Just the same feeling of ostracization that I complained about from the beginning. I literally sat at a table, waiting for a specific person, for nearly half an hour before the girl noticed me. I feel like I'm playing club, not participating.

But, 'be a part of the solution'...and I don't even know how to do that.

It's like I'm hitting so many obstacles everywhere else other than my academics, and it feels like that's the reason my grades are fairly high...in everything else BUT math, but that's always been my weakpoint. I strongly await the day that my math classes aren't required...I really do. I end up getting scared by any numbers in the form of an equation...probably why I'm also bad with money.

I just dislike my current state so much, and even though I keep on trying, keep on fighting, it's doing nothing. I'm plenty fed up, but I can't do nothing.

And that's the worst part.

Blessings,

+R

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2183/50000 words...it's a lot to take in. Regardless, I'm very behind, and no, I don't know where I'm going to take my story, because I have no real plot set up. But I have an idea, and I want to make this work. No...I WILL make it work.

Lately, my mind hasn't been wanting to do anything. Maybe it's that I feel like my life is at a standstill...the clutter in my room keeps on piling up, and it seems like as my room gets messier, so does my head, and consequently, my daily life.

I'm realizing a lot of my shortcomings. For instance, I can't feel joyous for someone on their accomplishments. It's not a matter of me not accepting that such a person has achieved something for themselves, but I've never honestly meant congratulatory words for anyone, and if it's something that gets them up that imaginary ladder, it only makes me feel more hurt, and more disdainful towards such a person.

In shorter phrases, I can't congratulate someone. Why? I don't know, maybe because part of it has to do with me feeling like any sort of congratulations stems from fake happiness. I've never treated anyone right...and you can tell this especially when I'm upset with someone. I end up digging straight into their core, and drilling their already worn soul even more beyond it's ending point.

I can be downright miserable at times. And, when I'm like this, I want to push everyone away. Because I know I'll treat people worse than they want to be treated, so I try to get people away so they're not exposed to my toxic attitude and behaviors.

I've been trying to work on my anger constructively, but I'm finding that it's all internalizing, so it's been fairly weird. I've had strange compulsions...I saw a man walking, and I wanted to a) follow him wherever he was going or b) run, and aggressively bump against his side, and then keep on running.

Just, general jerk things. I've also had some kind of compulsion to take a baseball bat, and knock something breakable into shatters...what that'll do for my well-being, Lord knows. I can't even bring myself to try boxing or some other active sport that involves fighting and strength, because I know I'd go overboard versus feeling any better.

I know that recovery isn't on the top of my list...and I don't know if perhaps this is the time for it to be an active focus on my life. Needless to say, I'll be writing about it, but it's not in my heart...it's just that time to set up other priorities. Once my life slows down, which'll be in December, I'll probably look more at the steps and working them into my life.

Does this mean I'm leaving this site? No. Does it mean that I'm ungrateful to the people who are checking up on me? No. Not at all. What it does mean is that I won't be blogging about step-work, and that I won't be blogging as frequently as I did before. I'll give updates about my story-writing progress though, and if anything major happens, I'll probably write about that too.

Also, to those of you who read my blogs and are under the age of 30, or know someone who is under the age of 30 and wants to join a group here, I'll put out a little ad...I have a group called 'Young Adults in Recovery', for those of us who are under the age of 30, but still are working the program. Feel free to join, if you'd like. I'll post some things up soon.

Blessings to all,
+R

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There is so much anger, so much uncertainty in the World.

I took the day to relax...to enjoy my time...and I asked for a 3-subject notebook. It's red and lined, and from 'Five Star', which is a very durable brand. I'm going to take my notebook with me wherever I go...just in case I get ideas in my head during whatever.

So, tonight starts with my writing...and then an early bedtime. Dinner somewhere in between then...

It's amazing how history repeats itself...there's so many people who are fighting for their loved ones...and yelling at the world...being guardians...

And you can't say anything to anyone...you can't do anything but help someone out if they specifically ask for it.

I've learned the hard way...you can't bark at the world and expect something to happen. You have to be firm, and when you want a course of action done, get it DONE. Don't say something and expect it to make a difference.

'You have to be the change you want to see in the World'. Gandhi, I believe. And it's so very true...

All this yelling...all this tension...all these different frusterations being brought up and bubbling up like hot water...no one can ever get along, or have some common groundwork...not when you're heated up like that.

I distinctly remember being chided  for not thanking those who've helped me out individually...I also remember being treated poorly because I'm young and in the program, though my addiction is not one that seems to be meant for group meetings and the like...I remember all the negativity, all the yelling, all of this BS...and in the end, you can't do that to yourself...you can't protect anyone...sometimes, you can't even protect yourself...

There's so much out there concerning bravery...and the 'little guy' standing up to the 'bigger guys'...why does that even exist? Why does anyone have to fight for anything?

I understand that complacency is no better than aggresively fighting and snarling over the spoils...but there has to be some sort of middle.

Just some observances in the World...especially with Election Day all around...so many people are ready to bite and chew at whatever is left.

So sad...

Blessings,
+R

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Life has been alright enough. I continued to leave early for all of my second classes last week, but hopefully that won't happen for Tuesday.

I already set up my schedule for the Spring time. Mondays and Wednesdays I'm there for quite a bit... 8:00 AM-9:20, then 9:30-10:50 and then a break AGAIN from 10:50-12:20...and then off to my last class, which'll be over by 1:50..long, long days. Tuesdays and Fridays I only have class from 9:00-10:20...and that's it. Only one class, and it's Statistics. Thursdays I have off, of course.

Life is normalizing a bit, and I don't know what to really say...I'm not active in recovery, but I'm not beating myself up all of the time...I still have outbursts (note: yelling at people on the road) but...when I look at myself in the mirror, there's no ugly thoughts. It's not self-esteem issues persay...but...I'm not self concious anymore.

To be honest, I don't think often anymore...I don't concentrate on the negative...but things are beginning to just even out...I can't say I'm overjoyed by anything, just content. And that's a lot better than being angry all the time. It's a sort of acceptance, and perhaps fatigue thrown in.

I made a promise to myself to write a novel...50,000 words... in a short amount of time. Again, an individual project. It's not that I enjoy making myself suffer...but...it's time to write down my ideas and feelings. And who knows...maybe it'll make a difference.

I just hope so, for my own sake. There's a lot on my plate...and a lot of areas where I'm not putting myself out to do such actions...but with the actions I do accomplish, I find them satisfactory enough.

Quiet acceptance and contentment. It's not all that bad...and at least it's a lot different from how I've acted before. The only bad thing is...I don't find myself caring or being as connected to everything as I used to be. I suppose that's the only downfall...but, like I said, I'm just grateful to be here and calm.

So, sorry for those who looked forward to reading my entries daily...but I don't think that's for me anymore...My life isn't as horrible as I perceived it to be...

Whatever the case, I will post updates and thoughts here and there...

Good luck to everyone with your own journey down recovery lane.

Blessings,
+R

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Before I went to bed last night, I started getting the idea of not going into school today into my head. Mostly because it was late by the time I had finished talking with a friend on the phone. In the morning, when my mother had tried to wake me, I told her I had a migraine, and she said 'Well, alright, then you're staying home'. I told her I'd try to make it in time for my second class. Well, the weather became snowy...SNOW. Can you imagine that?! A few days from Halloween and it's already snowed! It borders on insanity with the weather...and if this is a preview for what's to come in time for the rest of the Winter, I don't even want to know. In either case, I missed school entirely.

The rain came back after the snow...so most of it is washed away, and the machines came through to clean up the slush, so the roads seem safe enough. I'm counting my blessings, to say the least.

I took the day off to go and relax...slept in...took a hot shower...washed my hair up...just enjoying the relaxation. Still...tomorrow's Wednesday already! It's amazing how time flies and all...In any case, life'll go on tomorrow...and I only ask the Lord to deliver me safely to school and back home, and that the weather not be atrocious. I don't want to keep missing school...I have to see an Advisor and make my class decisions soon. *sighs*

It's a bit of work to be done...but...I'm glad for it. It helps me realize that life goes on, despite the horrendous things that have been an obstacle for me in the past. Gotta keep on keeping on...there's too many blessings in my life to stop reaching for that goal.

Thank you everyone for being there when I could not stand on my own. Do not be afraid to ask for my help...I will do my best to be a pillar of support when asked to be.

I hope everyone is having a pretty good week thus far. I intend to make the most out of mine.

Blessings to all,
+R

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