Sheesh...I was in bad mood the last time I was here!! I apologize for all my ranting and raving. It wasn't directed at anyone here at the site.
I was angry at my family; and because I can't kill them, I came here and vented.
DisgruntledGirl, I have 34 years worth of anger to unload. Unfortunately, you can't get it out in a firecracker-type way. More like a "letting steam-pressure-escape" way. I have faith, though, that it won't take another 34 years to get rid of it. Hopefully, only a few.
Just got through reading your blog...and your profile...and I can say, for the most part, that many of us have felt the same way that you do. Particularly is the sense that "nobody understands." I hope that one day, you'll let go of the anger and you find the love and serenity within yourself that working the steps can offer. Hang in there until the miracle happens!
I do appreciate all comments. I appreciate everyone who wants to be friends. I'm going to browse around the site....see what's here.
I do have to speak my opinion here, though. I have been in therapy since I was 15. I was a freshman in high school. To say that I have had a lot of therapists is an understatement. Maybe some of you can relate. (...trying to put this into words...)
....I tried so hard to be "normal". This was BEFORE the substance abuse started. So...I saw therapists and worked on being "normal". But, my issues kept coming up. And, kept coming up. Etc. etc. I knew vaguely that there was something wrong with my family, but on the surface, I had the picture-perfect family. They had sent me to an expensive all-girls high school, right? I got everything material that I wanted. I had plenty of good food to eat. I had nice clothes. Heck, I had a uniform for school. But, there was that sense that something was ...wrong. Then, when I dropped out of college, my life fell apart. THEN the substance abuse came into the picture. A great therapist helped me get control of the drinking and drugging. I will be forever grateful to her for that. Yet, even though I wasn't using, and actively working in therapy, I couldn't get my life under control. I couldn't figure it out.
I believe now that the childhood monsters stay with you, whether or not you're aware of them. Ignoring the symptoms does not make them go away. It's my belief that substance abuse can be a symptom of those evil childhood monsters.
When people say chemical dependency is a disease, I think they are right. In some cases, it's a symptom of the disease of childhood abuse. I think that takes a load of shame off the person who's chemically dependent. They are responsible for getting help, but they aren't responsible for the REASONS BEHIND IT.
**I don't know if swearing is allowed, but it's where I'm at right now.**
It's an amazing day. After sooooo many years of hearing about being thankful and gratefulness in 12-step meetings, I FINALLY understand what being thankful F***ing MEANS. Yes, today I'm thankful for my life and all I have.
What it was, though, is that I got constantly barraged at home for being UNgrateful. God, I HATE that F***ing word! "Grateful"!!! My dad can kiss my ASS!!!!!
Why are some people so evil??? And, more important, why are people like me left to pick up the pieces??? I didn't ask for any of this. I was a small, innocent child. I had no way of protecting myself. Ugh and blecht.
