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Hello to every one..! I know I haven't been around much lately...things have just been happening all over the place...life has become rather draining...can't really complain (to much) but I just have never had so much happen at once.. New job is official.. I start Feb.5th. Already spent one day there.. seemless intergration...I am so lucky...this is the single greatest opportunity for me that has ever crossed my path. A message for the new comers... I can't say that, "this all happened because of Sobriety..", actually, it's more like, "I've always had the ability to get a job like this, but because I'm not f**ked up any more, I can now KEEP IT..!" Sobriety didn't give me brains, it cleared up my brain for ease of use..!! Oh.. and of course..being Spiritually grounded make life alot easier as well..! The only part I don't like about this, the part that is stressing me out.. my old place is more than likely going to close in my absence...the other employees are either to greedy, don't have the drive, don't really give a shit.. or all of the above..and it's a shame..the program has showed me the meaning of personal responsibility, and self respect...don't mean to talk s**t here, but maybe a few normies out there out'a get a program.. might do them some good. But I can't stop the business from falling.. it's not mine to defend..i've done my part and it's time to go...This is my Karmanic right to accept what is being offered to me and I cannot deny or refuse.. "as above, so below". This opportunity was created because it is what I wanted, needed, and is what is best for me... My room mate just informed me that I'm typing really hard.. (oops) guess i'll settle down. Any ways.. my last day is coming.. and I look forward to my new place..and they look forward to having me...that part good... NO MORE SOBER LIVING..!! I mean the house, not the lifestyle...my own room..! My own lock..! No more hearing my roomates farting and burping in the middle... well, the middle of anything you can be in the middle of...so.. yeah.. i am so shopping for things.. And the girl..wow..she is great. We are just friends, but it's nice to be in her company..she offers me tee..!! But now.. u-oh..a distraction just popped up out of no where... "dear _____, please don't let me screw this up..." Now, this place.. here.. My Recovery Space has become a really great place for me.. I have friends here..I have folks I actually care about...and I seem to accumulate more as the days go on..alot of you have sent me well wishes regarding my brother.. and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart...but keep them coming...it turned out to be cancer. So yeah.. my older brother, the guy I grew up loving to hate.. and hate so much sometimes because I love him so much has stage 3 cancer in his brain.. what that means, dunno.. but i'm sure anything past stage 1 most likely isn't concidered good. Once again.. mom is stressed because he jokes..and me... well.. not quite sure what to really feel..they seem to be all tide up (my feelings) in other things right now so they are spread pretty thin. Oh, know when i found out..?? Day before my 33rd birthday which was last friday.. I sort of unofficially cancelled that day this year..but it's just sort of making lite one strange thing... It's all happening at once... Never give up...you want it.. you got to fight..drinking and using is not an option..and to use is to die.. Things are good, stressfull, but good.. except for my bro...I can handle my job.. but it's up to my Higher power to take care of him... So tired.. time for bed.. To all of you who actually read my blogs.. you rock..and thank you for your prayers and well wishes...thank each and every single one of you.. Thanks.. ~anjil~
Tags: Tired
I got the job...!! The place is beautiful. The company is wonderful. My new boss is fabulous, easy going and a musician to boot. And to top it off, I would be the head of the department. Not just some dude...but thee dude. Like Mr.Dude. And to match my current salary plus commission..oh yeah baby... Now i have to give notice... that is going to suck...but this is my life I'm trying to repair, and as of right now.. It's looking pretty darn good.. Gotta go forward.. nothing left to do but go forward... ~anjil~
Tags: Wonderful
Things are great..!! Things are awsome..!! This are so looking up in ways I have never deemed possible...! I couldn't have asked for better stuff to happen to me all at once.... Then arrrggghhhh... My date was great..the girl I went out with.. great..very cute red head (I love redheads..!) Intelligent. Possitive. Just great. Going to go see Kronos Quartet at UCLA Saterday Night. It's going to be an awesome show. Told her I don't drink, just sorta tossed it out there, her responce.. "I bet you were a bad boy once.." yeah.. once. I think she's fine with it.. So yeah.. I'm happy. Friend just found a place. Apartment right off of Colorado, down the street from the heart of Old Town Pasadena..yeah, you know.. where that Rose Parade thingy took place..He want's me to go with. This means that I am now officially out of the sober living game. Uh-huh. After putting in over a year.. I am now going to have my OWN ROOM..!! And.. splitting $1,300 three ways.. Ka-CHING.. Let's see.. Motorcycle, not scooter.. baked instead of plain tofu. (Oh yeah..I'm vegetarian), my own desk, painting till 3am, doing my music with out interference..So..yeah.. I'm Really Happy..! Guy walks into my showroom today...we chat.. he works at a different showroom that I'm familiar with. No biggy. The other day, I get a call. It seems he leaving his place.. this cat has been in the biz for like 20 years.. he says that since he's leaving, he needs to find a replacement.. he says that I would be perfect. Tells me to take a look at the place. It's like, "wait dude, you just offered ME as a suitable replacement for YOU..??" Me..? Moi..?? I used to design structures along time ago. One such job was for the military.. I did this really great bridge, for our government sitting in a bar with a pitcher of beer once. (if they only knew..) Now I get an offer from a fellow with 20 years under his belt in the same industry I am. And I only have like 2 years. Wanna know what the problem here is..?? I came to this place where I am at now when the company was on the vurge of financial callapse. I took this place, fixed it.. and now they have a fighting chance. The only problem is that I did it because the owner couldn't. This is NOT me gloating, it is NOT me being conceited or over doing what really happened. I did what needed to be done and that is what happened. People are getting paid and the place came out of there hole because of what I did. Now, I am the manager. I told my boss I wouldn't leave. But now.. this place I am at is so f**ked up because my boss is incapable of running it.. so I did it. The stress is starting to get to me because it is SOOOO NOT NEEDED TO BE THE WAY IT IS..! But that is how she has it. (soory boss) I love the lady, but now this guy said I would do better where he is at.. well, I checked out the place tonight.. It is F***ing beautiful... It brought a tear to my eye it was so beautiful. I go to talk to the people tomorrow.. To work hear, would be my idea of heaven at work..with more money of course..the problem is though, if I leave my current boss.. others will follow, and the place will calapse once again...for good this time. It doesn't have to but I know she won't be able to handle the problems that the business is still facing.. I feel so bad, but I have to think of my own ass here. I did what I could, but now.. it's like to stay there would be career suicide, which would then lead me to my own due to all the stress I really don't need..!! But she's like so happy with me... and I told her I wouldn't leave... I feel guilty... but I didn't know I was going to get an offer that morning.. One could say it's my higher power because all these happened all in a period of about a week.. the girl..the apartment.. the new job (maybe).... it's all great stuff... So what's my F***ing problem...???  And yeah... I am very capable of being happy...I just feel like I am letting my old boss down (hard). BUT I AM NOT HERE TO SAVE THE WORLD...! RIGHT..?? Just me..right..? RIGHT..??? uuughhhh... ~anjil~
Hey there..just checking in as the title suggest. eads just sorta been in the clouds and well..let's just say that there is also plenty of smog up here to go with it. Starting to get a little blahhh if you know what I mean... My brother is doing ok..complaining of a head ache (go figure). he's just kind of lost as is the rest of us. We just don't really know whats going on till we get the test back, till then, its limbo...not a place I'd wanna be, but now my brother has to go through it..it sucks.. As for me personally.. i actually feel as though time is being wasted (again) Sober..yes. Job, life in general, work..all fine. But still...it's like..is this it..?? i know, "you should be greatful for what you have son, others out there have so much less." Well, then they need to get thier ass a job and go to a meeting. I'm concerned with MY LIFE at the moment... I should be recording music..but it's hard here. (sober living) And the motivation here sucks as well.. Hard to record a vocal track with out someone questioning what's going on. I do stuff that is very non-conventional and is very private. And I'm not Justing Timberlake. Picture Justin being put through a meat grinder with the audio being recorded and passed through a delay and distortion, and wa-la..! You have my sound. Though the video of said performance wouldn't be half bad either. Any ways.. that is one thing hanging over my head.. Next...I have over a year..a date would be nice..!! But since video taping the act of putting Justin Tiberlake through a meatgrinder is my idea of a good time, that makes it pretty hard for me to find just the right girl. I may be in L.A. But in my area, I still don't have to much in common with very many folks in the program. Now..I did meet this one person. Online that is..you know..since actually running into people on the street and talking face to face is just like sooo cliche. This girl is absolutley beautiful..!! A she wants to go out with me.. like this Wednesday. Problem..?? She has no idea i'm in the preogram. I almost (almost) feel like I'm lying to her..isn't that just a great way to start something out..with a lie..?? I don't like lying to to people. It's not in my charactor. Brutal truths are more my style..but by NOT saying something, isn't that just as bad...? I ask her how her weekend was..her responce: Corset too tight (Gothic night club, I'm in L.A. remember..??) Danced, and drank to much. She's not a drunk..just your average normy who likes to have a good time. Dunno....I do need to record. That always makes me feel better. But what to do about my girl situation..? Dating in recovery sucks. If I blow her off, I'll regret never knowing.. but if it fails, then I don't want to feel "stuck". Oh well.. I'll just do my laundry instead..at least the feeling of accomplishment when I'm done is pretty satisfying.. Ok.. thanks for your time. Hope you all are well. Luv ya all..! ~anjil~
In a previous blog.. I spoke of my brother who got out of jail on Christmas eve. It was great seeing him again. He seems to be ready to take on life and leave the past behind.. though he never really said, "yeah..I'm kicking the meth..", he seemed really into gaining a future and not going back on another "club Med vacation". Awsome..great.. time would tell... He's been out for something like three weeks and mom hasn't tried to kill him.. (which is a good sign) but just the other day he had a seisure out of no where. He stopped breathing. His new wife gave him mouth to mouth and got him going again. The medics came and transported him to the hospital. Doctors gave him an MRI only to discover a mass on his brain. I spoke to him last night. He was in good spirits. Of course, the first thing he said was that it had nothing to do with his past using. Funny part is, of course this was the first thing both him and I had thought of. What a couple of F***ing addicts huh.. It seems that this sort of thing happens to like 9 folks out of a million. Of all the things to be lucky in, he had to be lucky "this way". Yeah.. that's my bro alright. If it wasn't for bad luck you know..?? Well...this morning he had a biopsy. It's not a tumor..it's not cancer..and quite frankly.. the Doc don't know what the F**k it is.. great.. once again.. that's my brother alright.. only that boy would have like some grand science experiment going on with his brain...fucking asshole.. Though cancer and tumor has not been entirely ruled out, they still won't know for weeks. Yup... weeks. I can call my brother a F***ing asshole to his face on his death bed and the guy would reply "your mother" with mom sitting right there. This is our coping mechanism. We are fine with it. Mom..though she has the same sense of humor...she not laughing at the moment. I am being told that he will have siesures now for the rest of his life. We also don't know just what is going on till the test come back. I am VERY GOOD at hiding my feelings. So is he... So is mom. But right now...i'm really not sure just what to be feeling... I mean.. I know what I'm feeling.. but i guess.. I'm just not letting them come to surface. Not yet. trust me when I say no drinking or using will be taking place...not an option.. but I can't say the same about the hurting.. or fear.. or anger..Know what sucks?? I more worried about our mother than him...she has been through so much with me and my s**t. and like i finally gave her a chance to rest and not have to worry about one of her sons being found dead in an alley somewhere.. she deserved a break.. and like when my brother came back.. it's like.. he was home. She had pretty much given up on him, though not really but.. it's like now that he was home and had shown some kind of change.. she once again got just a bit more relief. Now.. instead of "wondering" what might happen to one of us.. she now has to watch it develope and evolve...Please don't get me wrong.. I don't blame my brother.. it's not his fault.. it's no ones fault..I love my brother very much.. he's blood..I guess I'm just in a state of "I dunno's" "as above...so below" This is the foundation of my faith. I really don't like the word prayer or pray. it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But that's me. The basic Spiritual principle of "as above, so below.." has a very similar, and rather familiar alternate wording which essentailly means the same thing: "on Earth..as it is in Heaven.." If I believe and think in the positive and project positive energy (pray), then those things will transend from thought to the immediate physical universe (prayers getting answered). My brother, my mom and myself can use some serious positive energy right about now...can anybody spare some..?? Love you all. Thanks for being here..and thanks for listening... ~anjil~
Happy New Year to you all. Mine started out great. Survived the local traffic, just said NO to slashing that mans tires for not letting me go up my own street (self control, another benefit of the program) and had a pretty quiet evening over all.. Till I got up this morning... "Did you hear about ______. He O.D.'d last night. The police just left." Those were the first words spoken to me this morning before I left for work. This conversation took place in my F***ing living room, and police had just left from my house. Some of you have heard me babble on this site for about a week or two, and I have come to feel rather comfortable here. I am very serious about my recovery, and am always willing to help and be of service to any one, and in any which way I can. Though I am not one of those A.A. cheerleaders I see fluttering around the rooms, I am already ready to talk about the program. This is not a club I decided to join because I was in search of people to hang out with..this is my F***ing LIFE. And I am in the program to save what is left of this fucking LIFE I almost drank, slammed, smoked and pretty much pissed away. This is not a game. This is real. And until the very day I die, I will be in recovery. There is no cure. There are no short cuts. Just like death it self, you either are.. or you are not.. and this morning, one of my housemates nearly crossed over. No one here knows me. Actually, no one here really truelly knows anyone here save for maybe a few... but we all have the same thing in common.. we all suffer from an addiction. Whether it be dope, booze, food, sex, gambleing...whatever.. the fact of the matter is, is that we all have gone through some s**t in one form or another. Our lives began to spiral out of control making us realise that our malady was far bigger than us, and that we needed help. Unfortunately for some, it takes just a bit more than others. I live in a sober living out here in SoCal. Have been for over a year now. It saved my ass, and I am so very greatfull. But darn it.. last night/this morning thought that could handle just one last one.. thought he would give it just one more try. After having tried sobriety for a little more than a month... thought he would try just one more fix... well.. that last one for he road nearly became his astand final one for they found him half F***ing dead in his room. Heroin overdose. Oh... he's fine now. But the big question is... What the h*ll? for..??? We are in RECOVERY...!!! You don't RECOVER from something unless it was gosh darn broken to start out with..!!! To any new comer out reading this.. a few things to keep in mind, a couple of words of wisdom: If you use, there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE THAT CAN DIE. Now that you are in RECOVERY (remember, REPAIRING what was BROKEN) take the time to soak this fact in. Just because you have some time, DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE CURED OF YOUR ADDICTION. And it certainly does not make you invincible. If you get a itch... think before you start scratching...call some one. Call your sponser.. don't have a sponser... then get one...!! Like tomorrow...Or post a blog... this place is great.. if you think know one is listening, or than no one cares... YOUR WRONG. I will listen... and there are many others here who will listen as well...if you need help in any way shape or form... then F***ing scream till some one does. This is a fellowship. This is recovery.. and we are all in this together. I don't want to see any one else suffer. I don't want to see anyone else die. My house mate was (is) a good kid... stupid.. but a good kid. last night.. he thought he was special.. turns out.. he was just another dope fiend, just like many of us. Just like me. For those who think that there is still something out for them... that they might be missing out on something by being sober.. then let his experience last night be a lesson to you. Stay where your at. You don't need to go through it (again if that is the case). Just... don't. Lives get destroyed. People die. That's it. If you've read this far... I thank you. And I hope you got something from this. ~anjil~
Tags: Disappointed
Today is Dec. 30th. (no kidding huh) This means it is just a little over a day till the big ball drops in N.Y. ushering in the New Year. Looks great on TV... wish I was there to experience it.... but I must say.. I feel for the residence of the surrounding communities because I can sorta feel there pain... Pain you ask..?? Why..pain?? (o.k., maybe more like stressful misery...) BECAUSE I LIVE IN PASADENA..!!!! For those of you who aren't familiar with this usually wonderful, ecelectic, and very well lit restaurant lined streets... it is also home of the "Broadcasted Live, translated into a zillion languages, and if you missed it the first time.. it will be shown all day till the nobs on your boob tube fall off." TOURNAMENT OF ROSES PARADE...!! (Do TV's still have nobs now a days.?? Any ways..) Uh~huh... As I write this blog...10's of thousands of people are making there way ever so closely to this general area...to raise absolute h*ll? on Colorado Blvd tomorrow night, so they can watch the Parade, complete with hangover, the following morning...So...what makes this greatly treasured event by both families and drunk college students my problem..?? Well... for starters.. It's all about me. I'm a drunk... lets not forget that. !!!!!PARKING!!!! I drive a scooter. A tiny little 49cc Yamaha freek'n scooter..(yeah.. go ahead..talk smack, but I only spend $1.79 to fill my tank...and you..???  ) Now... when I can't even find parking... it's safe to say... there is a problem. Also.... went to buy a black hooded sweatshirt.. (like I don't have enough..) Every single size large was gone..!! Why...?? Because these nice, respectable out of towners forgot there darn jackets...!!! And traffic..!!! Don't even get me started...and me on my stupid little scooter... these folks are not likeing me zipping around in THIER space...nope... this suddenly became a city of no left turns allowed..!!! And wanna know the absolute worst part... Not only am I about 10 minutes from Colorado, I am also about 3 from the Rose Bowl..!!! Yup... that means that from tomorrow night till the next day... my street gets road blocked and street parking is not allowed...no biggy for scooter boy here, but my 13 other house mates (sober living), not so peachy... (bitch..bitch..moan.. moan..) I know.. it's only once a year.. and there have been some very splended looking out of towners running around the city at night...course they all smell like booze, but hey.. i can still look right..?? For those who just come for our great restaurants, fabulous parking spots then leave... the part they don't know.. is that Pasadena is a HUGE city full of recovery...I mean.. you can't throw a rock with out pegging some one in the program.. of course, they probly wouldn't care for you tossing heavy objects at them, but yeah... I see folks I know from the program all over the place... it's great. That is actually why I moved here in the first place... because of the fellowship thats in my neck of the woods.. best darn geographical I've done, and trust me.. I've done plenty..!!! Ah... much better...the whole sweatshirt thing really got to me I guess...I was like in total shock..!!! I had to go through h*ll? just to get to the darn store, which happens to be on Colorado no less cuz' it's the closest Target to me, only to find all the darn.... oh...never mind.. Happy New Year everyone... and If you happen to be watching the Rose Parade this year, which I know you will at some point... look for me.... I'll be the chap wearing all black giving the camara dude the finger... ~anjil~
Tags: Tired
Christmas is over.... I now have enough new pairs of P.J.'s to last me till next year. Oh.. I am very greatful. Much better than Christmas' past. It was usually just me, and let's just say.. a wide range of personal "stocking stuffers" Santa would not very much approve of. Yup... being aroud the family is great. I think I'll keep'em. And yeah... my brother is back. I hope he does well. He may be a royal pain in the ass, but he IS my brother.... It seems he got married while on his ittle "Club Med Vacation" as we have come to affectionately call it over the years, and yes.. to his girlfriend mind you..They both got locked up at the same time this time around. But she's good for him cuz she is done with th B.S. life style of the past. She wants a real life and a future, free of all the Chaos running and gunning can bring. She wants it bad. Normally I would say to any one dating my brother that if that's what you want, then you need to find some one else besides my brother...yeah..I would. So, as you can tell, I got a few resentments... but all that was a long time ago. I've changed (he was so suprised that I was sober now too..) so why can't he..?? I guess what I am hoping for is that this is it. He says it is... but do I believe him..?? Well... yeah... I want to... but he has said this s**t before. I know, I know... and what about ME.... how many times have I said stuff like that as well..??? Honestly, I am in no way implying that I am any better then him, or any one else for that matter... I just want for him to succeed... the thing is, knowing my broher the way that only I do, I just need to (want to) see an actuall desire to get sober. And not for his wife, or his son, or our mother, but for him... It's like I just want him to tell me "yes..!! my life HAS become unmanageable..!!" Until then... I guess I'll just have to be patient.. wait and see I suppose. He is my brother and I do love the guy very much. I only want what's best for him... and he's just getting to F***ing old for that kind of life any way...!! New Year coming. Family was good. My second sober Christmas, this one more of a White Christmas than the white knuckel variety of last year... Now for the big hurdle... New Years Eve...!!! Yup...! I'm really not worried though.. I believe that I have enough of the program instilled in me that I can be comfortale in just not drinking, and to enjoy my self in my own skin, and sober. This is new year. I see so many things in the days ahead that I know to drink would mean to destory every great thing that I have aquired up to this point: physically, economically and Spiritually. This past year has been, safe to say.. an interesting one. Full of ups and downs (more on the up side!!). It was a wonderful learning experience where I got to learn quite a great deal about myself. Now, this year, I get to use what I have learned and will really be able to put my new skills to some use. I am soooo looking forward to it. Growing up may suck... but it doesn't mean I have to grow old... Everything has become so new again... like it's nothing more than a big series of first times all over again... I look forward to 2007. It's going to be wonderful... "Why??" one might ask..??? Because... I have finally reclaimed my life.. It's mine..! All frag'n mine..! (and yeah... I do also give credit to my Higher Power of course...but "it" already knew that..!) Happy New Year to all..and be safe.. ~anjil~
Tags: Reflective
Here I am... it's December 24th. Need to get ready to go to mothers house. I do enjoy going to see my family. They are a very strange lot... highly entertaining. They even remembered my 1st year, gave me presents and such when I really wasn't much for making a big deal out of it. Yeah it is something great, but I am a pretty solitary fellow who prefers to just keep things with in my little private domain. Some call it isolating, I call "reflecting inward". Yeah I know, "what ever". Any ways... I have some thing that has been hanging over this head'o mine for quite some time now, and I gotta get through it. It's been bugging me for about 3 or so weeks now, and well... I don't know why I just don't do it..! (actually, yeah I do.. but just follow with me..) {enter dramatic theme music} Daa-da-DA-dum-DAAAAA... My stupid, time consuming, root'n toot'n all encompasing, dear what-ever what the h*ll? did I ever do to deserve this kind of thing, why me, why me, stop asking me if i've done it, your pushing me away when you do, but i know i have to do it, i'll do it tomorrow, blahh, blahh, yadda, yadda, Jimmney "f"ing Cricket..(inhale) But i'm fine now, I've been sober for over a YEAR, but..but.. ....fuck me... Fourth Step. Not even a $10 Starbucks gift card got me off the hook with my sponser (the bastard.!!!) It was sorta strange, when I told him I didn't have anything witten yet, he just looked at me and said something like, "it's the holidays, your not angry enough to write it right now." Do I have to be..??? I believe one problem with the whole thing is really my own fault.. you see, I waited a whole year before I even got a sponser or started working my steps.. (and for all you new comers out there, DO NOT FOLLOW MY LEAD. YOU WILL REGRET IT..!!) I mean, for me, the obsession was lifted early on thankfully, and because I was alone when I started this journey, I tended to spend alot of my time, going to meetings by my self, and do a lot of personal reflection inward (isolating, ok.. I said it) So come a year later, I just don't have those same feelings, and what nots that got me here in the first place. It not that I'm cured, not by ANY stretch of the imagination by all means, it's just that my personal, feelings, doubts, reservations, joys are all different..and they've very much replaced the old ones. So, I suppose what I'm trying to figure out with all his babbeling is... ...Since I've forgiven myself (which I have).. ...Since I've become honest with myself and others (except for that last cookie, it was the little green men, I SWEAR) ...And since I only have to do this thing once, with someone I trust (very important here) Why don't I..?? I know what got me here. Not every incident was a blackout. Nope...no such luck. And I know what I need ta-do to go past it...so then..?? What's the hold up, Bub... Ho-hum... List if things to do today: 1) Go Smoke a Cigerette. 2) See family. HOLY s**t. My brother gets out of jail today.!! Totally forgot..!!! Jails, Institutions, and DEATH. He's only got one more to go if he don't get his s**t together as well.!! 3) um.. darnit.. that just totally threw me off... Now I really need a smoke... ~anjil~
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