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I wonder if being "out there" wouldn't be easier. At least when I get played, it didn't hurt so much.. This feeling sh*t is crap!! It is so hard to not wallow in them and hard to not change them through outside influences... My addict is having a hayday with this situation...telling me i'm no good, nobody will ever want me, how stupid i was for falling for it!!! Of course its answer is to use! Which for me, who is actually in control here, knows that is a stupid idea...the only good thing out of this hole situation was that I didn't use of it!! This woulda sent me back out a few years ago!!! Progress....thankfully, I had my one year cake coming up the week this happened...definately make sure you know who you are getting involved with!!! That is what I learned....at least out on the street you expect to be played, manipulated and used....it comes with the game!!! It hurts the most because I wanted it so badly...I've had a crush on him for so long but would never have acted on it (fear of rejection)...this is hard!
Tags: Hurt
I made it to one year!!!!! One day at a time!!!
At the end of the day, I am alone with me...and just me. It is what it is. What happens in my day, in my recovery, and in my life is mine and mine alone. I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions...no one else, no one to blame. It may sound like I am disconnected from a Higher Power, but do not let the above sentences fool you. The only point that I was trying to make is that I accept that I am responsible! When I leave this world, I will leave with grace for I have lived my life with the best of intentions...I will go with a clear conscience. Whatever wrongs I may have committed will be left only to me and my maker, for it is HE that I will have to face...and I fear not! 
Tags: Serene
Death and Destruction Some of it was self inflicted, some of it I witnessed. All I know is that I have lived in the darkness…and live to tell. I’ve been the walking dead. I’ve been involved in a deadly game where only the survivors win. It truly is a depressing existence.The biggest lesson I learned in that game was trust no one. No one is your friend or ally. No one cares if you live or die…just as long as you are as miserable as they are. We are all good people, with good souls…just that the light seems so far away that it doesn’t even shine through.To all my brothers and sisters in the darkness…I love you all…I think of you often…you are all in my prayers…God bless you!Since leaving the darkness and entering the light, I have been fortunate enough to realize the blessings that I do have…my family and my two beautiful little girls. I am learning to enjoy life…this is the only one I have! It is a hard job to shed this cloak of darkness.Even though I am “alive”, and the people around me are not playing “the game”, I am still alone. I never expected to be used up and thrown away again. I thought that would only happen in the dark. I have been taken for granted, ignored, tolerated and pretty much sloughed off to the side for “others”. I thought this s**t only happened in the “game” not in my inner circle of “friends”!!And people wonder why I do not let people in! But ya know what? I ain’t giving up and I ain’t taking it lying down!!! At the end of the day…I am alone with me…and I like what I see! I just need to be a lot more “selective” as to who I let in…and who I allow to hurt me. I AM a survivor…and to all those who try to oppose…FUCK YOU!
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