im sitting here. my dog is snoring. its thunderstorming outside. the weather is humbling. it reminds me how small i am. how powerless we all are. i have no reason for writing today other than for myself. i need to get somethings out on paper that have been sturring in my mind for a while. medicen is needed for me. my mind doesn't have the right chemical balances. uppers in the morning and downers at night. its a frustrating cycle. it can be really tiring but its much needed. i know with out them suicide is close and moring feels like lifetimes away. none the less it can be tiresome knowing you can't trust your own mind and knowing that without the pills it won't function properly. ive had a hard time turning my mind off lately. in one sense my life has made a complete 180. im not hurting myself any more nore am i popping pills. i am happy during the day for the most part and ive lost weight im getting into shape. things have been great. but on the other hand night time always comes and with it brings the terrors of a broken past. i wonder when that past will mean nothing but glory to God. i think thats going to be a while....

im getting ready to work wapred tour with To Write Love On Her Arms. it will be a great time and there will be many there wanted to tell stories that are just like mine. we are there to tell them they aren't alone. to tell them there is hope. good music and good conversation will be all around me. i know it will make for a wonderful day. im looking forward to it. my days seem to be running together a lot lately. as im writing i hope the undertow of this is not one of depression. im not depressed. at least i don't think i am. im just restless sitting here.

im pretty sure im falling for someone.. someone i can't have. at least not in the long run. we have half a year togeether. its going to be a reallly great time. but in the end he will leave and i will be here wondering if love is something i preach about or really believe. it takes a lot to ask these questions. its scarey to hear them in your mind but to see them out infront of you is a different story.

i guess what im left with is hope. its what gets us through. its the only answer i know to be true. i also know i have a Father who will be with me when im asking these questions. new days bring new answers and a new hope. a new start.

wake up, your alive, we're on your side

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ok so today JUNE 22 is my one year cut free sobriety day!! and ofcorse i have some reflective thoughts hahah.

it has been the hardest year of my life. i still have cravings almost every day but throught resisiting those urges and turning to my higher power i have found strength at times when i didn't believe i could make it through. we all know what it feels like to stare the night in the face knowing sleep won't come until the break of day light. sometimes thats what it takes. you just gotta ride the wave. sometimes you have to stay up and sometimes you don't feel like youll make it through. like if you could just cut yourself. shoot up. drink. eat. have sex... then you know it will all be ok. but i have found through this year that addictions are here for one purpose... to enslave us. they are appealing and lets face it they work IN THE MOMENT. but what happens when daylight breaks and your left with the same problems and the same hurts.

this year has shown me that i can't fight my addiction. i can't. every time i do i will lose and its gonna be bad. but see i have something more powerful than any human and so do all of us. we have a higher power. for some thats god, jesus, for others its your AA meeting group or your support system. whatever it is... its higher than us and with that strength and only that strength can recovery start. i have 1 year. on very small very short year. in comparison to the years i hope to have left here it is minute and small but today... it is all i have strived for. it has given me my life back. wether your at one year or one hour. know you aren't alone. and that you can't do it but someone or something can. i have sooo soooo soooo much to learn. and i am so thankful to have learned what i have. so heres to another year :)

lauren

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today was one of the best days of my life. my college ball team just won the odac tourny. thats a big deal where im from and we fight the whole season to get to it. no one thought we would win. we were the true underdogs. the number 6 seed (us) knocked off the number 1 seed this afternoon for the championship. we cut down the net and cried tears of joy. this day made me think... 57 to 56. i had one point :)

last year i was hospitalized because of my self injury. right smack in the middle of basketball season. it has cost me friends, trust, reputation, and many college oppourtunities. i was blessed with coaches who understand and were willing to work with me. and i guess through this day i think about what i would have missed if i would still be stuck acting out my addiction. all i wanted to do was be alone with it. and that ruined a lot of things. but by the grace of God and his strength in me i have been able to say "clean" for almost 9 months now. im going to college and playing for the team. we just won the ship. im getting good grades. im happy with out meds. and im working the steps. none of this would have been possible with out a spiritual experience my God opend my eyes too.

a lot of days i ask myself is it worth it. stinkin thinkin happens a LOT in my mind. but every day i think of how greatful i am to be where i am now in my recovery. to be cut free. out of hospitals. not ruining relationships and making progress. im taking care of myself. and im loving every minute of it. i guess im writing this to read during those stinkin thinkin days. this day will be remembered for ever.... :)

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