Every dream the mind gathers up runs away within time. What is perceived as truth turns into nothing but a lie. Living for the future is a premeditated failure. Only a way to say the present is not what is desired. Dream of a better place of time, a future where everything is in the right order. Yesterday disappeared, today will lose its meaning, and tomorrow is an unsure promise. The demons inside love to manipulate what is to come. Dream that everything will be the way desired later in life and the disappointment will follow. Expectations destroy. Assumptions take away the true essence of one’s uniqueness. Telling someone how their future needs to turn out is wasted effort. Destiny brings the unknown. Fate brings what is meant to be. Change is as inevitable as air. Every second holds a different meaning. Time will never slow down. The light will come and is stalked by the dark. Time revolves upon those two aspects. This world was meant to be seen with open eyes, yet, the most sense comes within the closed. Within the night, the real becomes the fake and the fake becomes the real. There is no difference within a dream. All of them are either pursued or erased. Pursuing them brings regretful failure. Erasing them holds unknown success. Essentially, dreaming takes one nowhere. A wasted effort that is embedded in the genes. That is why many people are still alive. If there was no hope for the forthcoming life, no one would live. If there was hope was the future, no one would die. However, that is only true on the first happening of dreaming. Once the acceptance of letdown in the mind sinks in, life’s infamous meaning dissolves. There is no meaning to live when the hopes of the future are not there. The past is but a dead dream, the present is but a dying dream, and the future is but a undead dream.

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Its hard to live by the “one day at a time” philosophy. I drank everyday because everyday erased what happened the day before. They all meshed together. Sure, I went to those lengths drunk and I can do the same in sobriety, but one day, one second, turns into a nightmare because I use to live to forget time. Drown whatever was left. Days mean nothing to me. I’m living to die at this point. I need to live in peace. Why the h*ll? do I want to numb myself? There are many things in my life to be grateful for now, and trust me I am, but that feeling of wanting to numb myself is there. I am afraid of my head. I do not want to think those depressive thoughts. Yet, if I stuff them all down, everything will blow at once. Letting them out does not seem to do much either. That only allows me to realize what I feel and let it be true. I know that I cannot drink or use no matter the desire. Sure, I can, but then everything I have thankfully left is shot to h*ll? and there will be no coming back. I could not live with myself if I do that again. Do I want to drink right now? Of course I do. The obsession is there. I could right now, its only four days I will lose opposed to losing more. F***ing disease! Cunning, baffling, powerful. I know it all to well. I am already justifying that my time in jail was not as bad and that I am a pussy for letting that “destroy” me. I could have been in there for longer and really make it seem terrible. But it was horrible enough! That safety cell was the worse. Cold. Naked. Alone. Hungry. Pain. Why the F**k would I have a desire to even chance that s**t again? Or to chance the fact IT WILL GET WORSE??!?!? I know it will get worse. Some reason I want to see my self destruction. I have to be destructive somehow. Lets see, without drugs/alcohol, I could accomplish such by sleeping around more, eating disorders, not sleeping, start mutilating again, the options are endless. Going back to that would mean drinking in the end. Everything I do to harm myself is never going to amount to alcohol. That effect that takes me everywhere and nowhere. That is the bottom line. However, I never had tired those other non-drug options. I am going to meetings up my ass and sharing, why do I have these thoughts??!?! Why must I be the way I am? I regret way too much in this past week.- smoking with terase, having her and heather buy me booze, Showing up plastered at aftercare, driving to Moreno valley in a near blackout for sex, drinking with Rachel, letting her steal that cart of s**t instead of making a big scene in the store, letting ste ph take those weed hits, lying to Amanda and mom, getting high after a good day, making an ass of myself to Felix, going out at 430 am, taking advantage of Stephanie and having her buy me alcohol, going to the movies, making an ass with resisting arrest, saying I want to kill myself, hitting everything, and just being me. Alcohol caused all those F***ing regrets. Alcohol has caused every cell of pain in my body. Whether it was the direct cause or not.

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