I haven't blogged about my marriage.

Short story: My husband and I have lived a very open relationship. The past five years we have lived separately (because of his work and family issues), only seeing each other every other - or every two weekends. He lives north, over 4 hours away.

His work and his life up north has been kept separate. Although I've invited him to share in my Recovery - he tells me that I can "keep the AA thing". He's shared nothing in my recovery.

For the first time in over 10 months, we finally talked. This talk will lead us into a discussion about whether we remain married or not. We acknowledge that we share nothing in common. We know that to "move"" in with each, would destroy our friendship. Most of this knowledge came since I've been in Recovery.

He does recognize the changes in me and tells me he so proud of me. That the first time in over 14 years he can see how I am more comfortable with who I am.

I shared that I worry the grandchildren I love won't be around me. See, my daughter is actually my "step"daughter, therefore, the grandchildren are technically my "step" grandchildren. He assures me that he will not let anything change that relationship. He tells me that "if" anything happens to our marriage, that he feels I am his bestfriend and we will always share holidays and birthdays together with the grandbabies.

There's obviously more to this story - but this is the short of it...

My Recovery has caused some lifestyle changes. With those changes, many are effected. It may not be what I wanted - or expected - but, it's definitely something in God's plan as I continue to work my program.

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I want to thank everybody for their notes and messages about hobbies.

I have always been a fan of dancing - and found I can pick up dance steps pretty quickly. I've never been in professional dance, nor do I think I want to go there.

But I've been looking for something that will keep busy, fit, and help build my self-esteem.

I laughed so hard when a friend suggested "Pole Dance Fitness". I had to goggle, and sure enough - I found a place in my town that offers Yoga, Pilates, aerobics and Pole Dance Fitness! How cool! It's similar to an aerobic workout - and being in a class with all females, this should surely be enjoyable!

I will keep everybody updated on this new thing.. I'm hoping with my new eating habits (ah...old word "diet"), this will give me the workout I need to increase my metabolism.

Classes are on Mondady nights. I begin next Monday night. I'll write next week and let everybody know what I think!

Tags: Hobby

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For the past week, I've come to realize that I need something more to do in life.

Well... Do I "need", or want?

I've worked hard on my recovery and staying sober that I'm getting burnt out on meetings! When I feel alone or bored, I go to meetings. At least going to meeting keeps me from dwelling in myself and self-pity that no one is around.

There has got to be something more than meetings!

I've had some friends make lists of things that I might be interested in:

1. why is bowling always 1?
2. photography always seems to hit 2!
3. dancing (I dance in the dark, thank-you)
4. golf (no thank-you)
5. scrapbooking (I have so many magazines and scrapbooking supplies, I wish I could SCRAP!)
6. genealogy (yes, I love family research, but there's only so much you can do when your kids don't share the excitement)
7. please do not recommend crafts: quilting, crochet, sewing or painting, sketching (this is for some, but creative, me, no).
8. I collect things (tea cups, stamps, Franklin Mint Gibson Girl Dolls) lately I seem to collect things I want to start and now it's just clutter (scrapbooking, family tree, beads).
9. no I don't read books. I read self-help books, but seldom read anything else.

I was asked what passion I had when I was a kid. Well that took some thinking but here's a few:

1. I used to play the accordion. When I played, I think I was good. It took a lot of practice! My parents paid a music instructor to come to the house and he worked with my brothers (accordion and guitar) and then me. I had flood of memories after I started thinking about that. I still have my accordion. It sounds like it's in tune. I actually pulled it out this weekend. Pretty funny stuff! I don't know... it might fun to pick it back up.

2. I love astronomy. I've always been fascinated by the stars and planets. I read the positions of the stars and planets almost daily. I've to look up to gaze many evenings just to refresh where Mars or Venus are or what the phase of moon is in. I have a telescope, and pull it out every once in awhile to gaze at the moon. I don't think i ever wanted to pursue as a career, If I did I would have fought for Pluto.

3. Archeology. I took Latin for four years in high school and through the courses we studied the ancient worlds.

4. This took me to the world of Anthropology. Yep - I'm an Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, The Mummy, and LOST fan. I talked myself out of living the dream in 8th grade when I believed that "everything is already found". I didn't pursue to think that the Mammoth was yet to be discovered!

5. I do love to dance. But hobby? If I took Salsa or Ballroom lessons shouldn't I be taking those with my partner? Where do I practice such skills after taking the lessons? No - I won't be on "Think You Can Dance" either!

I need something to fill my time. But I need something to fill my time and not take away from other things that are close to me: (1) recovery, (2) family, (3) work...

So what do you think? What are some of your hobbies. I'm getting really tired of watching Crime Scene Investigation re-runs and working Sudoko puzzles!

Tags: Hobbies Boredom

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I’ve been spending a lot of time on family tree research, obituaries have gotten to me. Here’s one for our family dog that passed yesterday:

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On Monday, July 14, 2008, at 5:15pm, I lost one of my best friends, my family Shetland Sheepdog Lucky.

Lucky was 11-years old born on July 7, 1997 in Camp Pendleton, California to the our Family.

He came out into world struggling to breathe. His mother left him aside to continue to birth the litter. My husband was able to help clear his throat passage-way and get him to breathe. We named him Lucky, because he survived. It was becomingly fit as he was also born on July 7, 1997 (7-7-7). We were selling the puppies, but no one would buy Lucky. We decided to raise him as our own, rather he chose us to be his guardian in this life!

During the past few years, Lucky was gaining weight and having trouble walking. He had major arthritis in his rear left hip, high cholesterol, liver problems and obesity issues. Monday, Lucky was in too much pain to move by himself. Normally energetic and willing to follow people out the door, I had to carry him to the car.

Although Lucky barked an awful lot, fought with his mother, Precious, residing with the family, and shed loads of long fur daily he will be dearly missed.

I had the unfortunate business of taking him to the vet to let him rest peacefully. I sat by his side while he slowly relaxed, and when the last of the shot was administered to finalize his movement, the vet cried with me.

He is survived by his Mother and his adopted family members. He will be remembered with many fond memories.

Burial is pending due to cremation and delivery of ashes.

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I haven't been online much in the past month - just on and off real quick to catch up on other's blogs. I haven't had time to make comments on other's pages or blogs.

I am still sober and clean. I celebrated my 6-months last Thursday and received my chip at AA. Next month I'll be ready to commit to Secetary one AA meeting during the week.

I've been attending SMART Recovery and LifeRing meetings. I enjoy the cross talk and immeidate feedback in these meetings, than the "no cross talk" in AA.

I, also, still have my Wednesday Group commitment.

During "my time" I have been researching the family tree on ancestry.com. It's been awesome at giving me something to do instead of vegitating in front of the TV.

Now I feel more capable of doing something for myself, and my family. The thought of using has diminished.

It is definitely still not easy! It is one day at time, prayer, meditation, work, meetings and/or research. The weekends are spent with family - as it should be. I have been enjoying my grandchildren on the weekends. They make me glow!

House cleaning has become simple - amazing what happens when you clean up after self, instead of letting the dishes sit in the sink for weeks on end (whe I was using): easier to clean the mess, less time to clean...

A six month reflection? Such lifestyle change, I don't even know who i was 6-months ago!

I enjoy the support of all my support groups. Including this site. I am thankful for all who remember me and post a comment! Please - keep coming back!

Always Keep It Simple.

Peace!

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These past 5-months have been very active for me. It's been about me becoming active in my recovery.

I was chatting - online - with a friend of mine who wrote that she had wished her "issues were as easy as taking something away".

This has become a lifestyle change for me. It's not as easy just taking something away. It's frequent meetings (anywhere between 4-10 per week, depending on moods), group therapy (once a week), and counseling with my Case Manger (once every other week). It's a day-t-day lifestyle change.

My group therapy has increased from 6 to 10 people in less than two weeks. Many are transitioning from the three-days a week program to the one night a week. We were able to give introductions to the whole group, so everyone is caught up about "what is was like, what got us here, and what is is like now".

My story is told in this general way: I've been using and drinking since I was 13/14-years old. When I got in trouble, I learned for a bit, before going out and doing the same thing. This behavior continued after I joined the Marine Corps. I drank (didn't use because of the drug testing in the service) almost everyday for 2-years while stationed in Oki. I also found that I never had a relationship that didn't involve drinking (I met every guy I've been with through drinking). This was obvious in the creation of my beliefs that drinking = relationships (whether sexual or acceptance). The drinking took me to another level of addiction - the sexual addiction. Looking for Love in all the wrong places! I've accepted that my drinking had become progressive: it didn't matter the degree of trouble I experienced, I'd "quit" for awhile, then, slowly start drinking again. I also discovered that the more I drank, the more I forgot about my Higher Power - my God- then, the more I went back to the wrong places. I got to recovery based on a  my psychiatrist's "suggestion" that I visit the Chemical Dependency department for a screening. I thought it was a way to help me deal with my son's dual-diagnosis. Now, here I am today. Five months later. Clean and sober and not wanting to go back to the drama of drinking.

It's work living life! As my parents always told me: No one said life was easy, nor life is fair.

Living life on life's term...By The Grace of God...One Day at a Time... and remembering to Keep It Simple.

Did I happen to mention I'm getting inked again. I have an appointment today at 4pm. My new addiction? ha!

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I must say I am a book-aholic. I've been collecting - and reading - books that deal with Recovery. Have you ever read a book when You think you were the subject of the book?

One book I am reading is titled Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow - 12 Simple Principles, by Karen Casey.

Her Chapter 1 - Tend Your Own Garden - provides insight to the principle of controlling the only thing we can conrol: our own responses to life. She says "The irony is that we always see in others the very behavior that we need to pay some attention to in ourselves."

Wow! How many times I have been wanting to change others behaviors, thoughts, dream, problems, successes or failure! And yes - these are the people that have those behaviors, thoughts, dreams, problems that I need to change in myself.

Casey lists the following behavior changes:

*Attend to Your Life, No One Else's!

*Let Go and Let Others Be Themselves. (Let Go and Let God!)

*Get Out of the Center of Other People's Lives. (This worked for me when I let my son live his life and I was not controlling his every move!)

*Take No Hostages. (How many times have we heard don't let other's own our emtional energy; or don't let other's rent space in your mind!!!)

Accept the things I cannot control. Hmmm... what a concept.

More later.

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Don't we addicts think of nothing but how something effects us? I still work on giving it up (Let it Go) and other's decisions should not effect me.

I need to speak up and ask questions; instead of ASSUMING that other's are thinking what I think they are thinking!

I need to work on remembering I am not a mind reader!

When I start thinking someone else have negative thoughts about me - I am doomed to a self-pity party!

I still have feelings! I can get hurt, angry or estactically happy - and I don't have to drink to feed the emotions. I reach into my tool kit and find what's going to work instead of drinking.

My Pity-party lasted less than 1 hour. I worked through my emotions and placed the factual information before me. Wow - what a concept, huh?!

I called my sponsor - another decent concept, huh?!

I went to a meeting - that I was four days overdue - whew! I'm on a roll!

God is good when I can STOP feeling for myself and look at what is really going on.

Thanks for reading!

Tags: Self-pity Self-doubt

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My daughter (step) had her third child - a beautiful Girl.

We welcomed Tessa in our world today at 1:50pm (West Coast time), weighing in at 7lbs and 12 ozs, and 20 inches long. I posted pics in my gallery - or at my other blog on myspace.

What a beautiful day!

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