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Well, it has been quite a while since I last checked in on this site. I have many excuses, none of which are good enough. My recovery is going similarly. In the last two weeks I have only done two meetings a week, I've forgotten to read my Just For Today more times than I remembered and I haven't been hanging out with my NA friends. I seem to think that I am fine. I don't think I really am as I have gone back to starving myself. Am I in denial about my eating disorder when I can see the signs of my denial? Maybe I can see how I would think others see this denial, but even when I see this I have many reasons why I don't have a problem with food. My first line of defence is that even though I have the thought patterns of anorexia, am starving myself, am obsessed with losing weight and I had severe anorexia before, medically I am not anorexic as I still have my periods and my BMI (body mass index) is 18.2, medically one's BMI has to be 17.5 to be diagnosed as anorexic. Thus I still see myself as FAT. Thus I am not anorexic. I am definitely not bulumic either since I don't binge and purge. I don't compulsively overeat. I So I tell myself that I don't have any of those three eating disorders (I'm not aware of any others) so I just have a bit of disordered eating now and then. As I become more obsessed with eating and gym, the more fearfull I get. The more I isolate. People and things are getting in the way of this. Things like seeing my parents, spending time with my boyfriend and going to meetings. These things are disruptive where my obsession with my weight is concerned. Powerless and unmanageability maybe? But my mind tells me that I made the choice to put this first. And since it was a choice it means that I used my personal power to come to this, thus eliminating powerlessness. I feel that I am not out of control (except when I do eat, like this weekend). I know what I am doing. Insanity? All these sentences may seen insane to others, but to me it all makes perfect sense. I see what I am doing as a way of coping with things. A good, controlled way of coping that benefits me. Handing it over? There is no way that I will hand over the control that I am exercising at the moment! So I just looked at the first three steps in an extremely warped way. I'll be off on holiday next week, to the Victoria Waterfalls. Stress!! How can be with my family and not eat!?? The obsession has become quite advanced...
Tags: Angry
I'm battling. I've been feeling really depressed lately and I've been isolating hectically. Last week I only attended one meeting in stead of the three or four I usually do. I haven't done stepwork in about two months since I finished step six. I don't know if I can go on to step seven because there are a few defects that I want to hang on to. Control (especially over my food), anger and fear (also towards food). I just want to be alone. I've slipped back into counting calories obsessively and have been restricting to under 500 calories a day. I don't want to go to OA because I know I'm messing up. Otherwise I did well at college this term. I am on holiday now. Bored and scared of it. I am aware of how bad my recovery is going but I feel to tired to do anything about it. I tell myself that it'll be okay, but I get closer to a relapse when I do this.
Tags: Depressed
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Tired
Posted On 03/15/2007 14:51:42
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I've been feeling quite depressed this week. I go to class but don't really speak much. I just do what I have to do to get good marks and finish my assignments. When I get home from college I get into bed and sleep for about four hours, then do some things around the house, see my boyfriend and go to bed again for the night. I don't feel like smiling today. It seems like such an effort. Maybe the depression has to do with the fatness I percieve myself to have. I just see FAT, FAT, FAT! Everythingseems like a mission. I've been taking my meds every day so I don't know what's happening. It just seems that I will always be depressed and unhappy, feeling sorry for myself. I didn't go to the meeting tonight. I don't want to see people. I want to escape. I went to OA last night and found a needle outside the church. It really freaked out my head. Insanity. I threw it away but part of me wanted to keep it despite the fact that it was
a dirty needle. I wondered if there was any residue left in the needle and if I mixed it with water and shot up if I would feel anything. I sat in the OA meeting wondering
if all this is worth it. I felt sick of everything I have to do to stay clean. It is hard work and I am tired. I also thought about my eating disorder. Maybe I can just accept it. Accept that I will always have an eating disorder and that I'll never get rid of it. Accept it as part of my life for ever. While I was lying next to my boyfriend last night I felt so alone and hurt. I thought that I could kill myself and sleep forever. I know I am very negative tonight. I trust that it will be better tomorrow. We all have good and bad days in recovery, then this must be a bad day. And it's okay, I'm not acting out on my insane thoughts and I'm getting them out. My Higher Power will look after me tonight.
Tags: Depressed
I finally passed my driver's licence today!! Now I never have to go for horrible driving lessons again. I don't have a car or anything but at least I have my licence should I ever need it. I was very nervous again. I prayed in the car. I had this feeling that even if I should fail it doesn't matter as long as my HP is still with me. I now feel like a real adult member of society! In South Africa, most people get their licence when they are 18. That's also the age to finish school. Due to my active addiction I am behind my peers. But the great thing is that I eventually finished school in recovery and now I may drive too. It's a good thing I didn't have a licence in active addiction... Tomorrow I'm flying up to Bloemfontein for my cousin's wedding. I'm looking forward to the wedding and seeing the family. That side of the family knows about my drug and alcohol addiction so there will be juice instead of champange for me. My brother also doesn't drink so I'll stick with him. Just for today my life feels great!
Tags: Happy
I really didn't want to go to a meeting last night. I wanted to isolate. I realized how bad this would've been for my recovery yesterday, so I went. I'm really glad I did. I saw an old friend who was in treatment with me on a farm-bootcamp-rehab. I didn't think I would ever see him alive again. And not just is he alive, he is in recovery. I hardly ever see people from that rehab who are clean. I know that about nine of them have died from this illness. Whenever I hear that someone is dead I am grateful that it is not me. I am also grateful for the reality check on the outcome of addiction. Addiction kills. Despite the bad day I had yesterday, today I am okay. Thank goodness this is a just for today program! I can carry on with my recovery and my life. And my Higher Power still loves me!
I really hate myself today! I'm craving herion because everything just feels out of control. My body feels so f*cking fat. I feel angry at myself. When I got home from college I ate a big fat bread roll which I shouldn't have. I cut myself and threw it up, two things that I haven't done for a long time. I could've called my sponsor but the thought didn't even cross my mind. From this (old) behaviour I can pick up that something is not right in my recovery. I don't want to do this again. Why all this self hatred and hatred towards my body? Does it have anything to do with the fact that I'm stuggling with sex and sexual abuse issues and that sex thus makes me feel disgusting, dirty, squishy and fat? I always feel fat and hate myself after sex. I'm angry at myself for not being able to handle this normal part of life and I'm angry at the people who did this to me. At least my cat is here and she'll love me innocently for now... Or is this all just a load of self-pity caused by something I'm not doing in my program? Self-pity and self-centeredness are two of my character defects. Am I acting out on them? Then the right principles to practice would be acceptance and God-centeredness. Today I just don't know!
Tags: Angry
I haven't been on a family holiday since I came into recovery. I used to hate the idea of going away with my family in active addiction. My mum is planning a trip to the Victoria Falls for the four of us in July. I simply can't wait! The Victoria falls is 1708 meters wide, making it the largest curtain of water in the world. The local people, the Kololo tribe, call it "Mosi-oa-Tunya" - the smoke that thunders. The waterfall causes a spray of water, creating a mist-soaked rain forest. That is something I've always loved, forests and green.
Tags: Enthusiastic
I've decided to make a gratitude list today. Here are some of the things I am grateful for: My family, the fellowship, my legs and being able to walk, health, the twelve steps, my cats, my sponsor, meetings, being able to study what I enjoy, plants, people who love and care for me, music, a relatively sane mind and the connection I have with my Higher Power. Some days I just need to remind myself that even when life seems bad, I have a lot to be grateful for.
So Thursday night came along and I had to share at a meeting's 6th @Home. I was extremely nervous as it was only the second time was sharing. When I got to the meeting there was more than a hundred people, and my parents came for the first time! But it was wonderful, I didn't speak much about active addiction as all of our stories are the same: We were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable. That's it. That's why we go to meetings. Even though I had anorexia, cut myself or did things that others didn't do, step one is our story. So I shared about recovery, the good times and the difficult times. The steps I've worked and the suggestions I followed. For the forst time I enjoyed sharing the hope and gratitude I found with others. The rest of my weekend was busy. I went to two 21st birthdays, a wedding and an NA soccer game. So the weekend was filled with food... I feel so fat now. I wanted to cut myself this morning, I felt hatred towards my body. I think I'll sit down now and work on my OA step one! I find it so difficult to love myself... 
Tags: Serene
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