This is long so get ready to read!!!

I was born in the era when peace, love, and lcd was the way of life, amoung other narcotics. My mom was a practicing addict and my dad (whom, i never met) was a practicing alcoholic. My earliest memory is passing a joint around a party when I was two.

When I was four my bio-logical father commited suicide. Then my mom married my step father around that same time.

My step father was in and out of jail all the time but, my mom would lie to me and tell me he was in the Army. From the time I was four until about nine he was a great man to me and seemed to love me alot!! About nine was when my world was turned upside down. That is when my step father began sexually molesting me. This from the man that I loved like a father and called "Daddy". This stunned me for a long time and created a HUGE hole in my heart and soul. Also, this created the beginning of the confussion of the love/hate feeling that has trickled down through alot of my relationships.

I had a hard time with growing up because we moved so much. I never stayed in one school more then a semester, ok maybe a year. We were constantly on the move. Which made it diffecult for me to have steady friends. I was "picked on" alot by other kids. Which is probably why I am so insecure and have low self-esteem.

I remember when I was little maybe eight or nine my mom and step father were smoking weed and my mom asking my dad if he felt it yet? I always wondered what that meant.

When I was about eleven or twelve I began to smoke weed. I loved weed. Marujuana was my drug of choice for many years to come.

When I turned 16 that is when the flood gates opened for me. It was 1985! That is when I tried cocaine, lsd, alcohol, ludes (714's)and the list goes on...

I remember coming to my mom once and telling her that I needed help, that I thought I had become addicted to cocaine and I thought I was going to die. Nothing took place on my moms part that I can remember. And, then I quit cold turkey. Somewhere down the line I remember quiting smoking cigerettes cold turkey too. So I figured I could quit anything. And, I went with that for a very long time.

Fast forward to 1999: This is the year I met my husband. He was very nieve to my drug habits from the past. Don't get me wrong he know I smoked weed but did not know how bad my past had been with drugs. He knew I was molested, but I don't know if he knew the effects it really had on me.

In March of 2000 I had our son and life was good. We had our baby, our place to live and I went back to work. Then on New Years Eve 2000 my husband and I had this idea that we wanted to party. I remember he had asked me what I wanted to do and BAM, I knew right away that I wanted to do SPEED!!! The Devil's drug!!! It was on and crackin from that point on. First, I was just snorting it and smoking weed. Which was quite a trip because I was hungry, tired and had cotton mouth and couldn't sleep or eat!! Then we began smoking it. It got pretty bad, with us arguing and not sleeping and me with my temper!! I now call it RAGE!! So, we decided to stop.

Then we moved in to my moms' house in September of 2001. We thought it would be a good idea because we could save money for a house or condo for our son to grow up in. My husband works in mansonry and construction so we also thought we could help my mom with her house which was falling apart. BIG MISTAKE!!!

A few months prior to us moving in one my mom's best friends who had lived with her had passed away. She and her minor son had lived there. Anyway, DCFS had come by because the boy was not attending school! Which my husband and I had no idea about. They wound up taking him and my moms' house whas such a wreck that the lady that came said that if she comes back to that house and it is still the same way she would take away my sisters kids. Again, we did not know any of this.

So, we move in and we begin to use once again. In October my world really came crashing down. So bad that I had said that being molested and abused by my step father was like "a walk in the park" compared to what happened. (This one is really hard for me to talk about). On October 30th, 2001 the police came to our door. Mind you it was my sister, her ol' man, her two kids, my husband, me, our son and my mom living there. They said that they had got a call saying that we left the kids unattended!!! "Ya right'!!! There were several cars in the drive way. Although at that time my husband wasn't home at the time. Anyway, my son was sleeping in our bed together with me and they did their little walk through and then left. My husband came home and I told him what had happened and that I thought we should leave for a little while just in case DCFS did show up. My sister had brought that up to me. Well, we decided not to leave and went to bed. And, in the early morning of Halloween day a DCFS agent did show up with a few police by her side. She said, "I told you that if I ever came back here and the house was the same I would take the kids" I was like wait a minute you never told my husband and I this, just give us two weeks and we will get the house to where it needs to be. She declined. I was in complete Ahhhhhh I mean it was sureal. I will never forget my husband having to put our son in a car seat in the back of a police car in the middle of the night. (this is actually bring tears to my eyes as I type it). I remember demanding to have my son go to his (paternal) grandparents. My son was not going to foster care. H*LL NO!!!! So, they said we could meet them at the police station. I remember I couldn't even leave the house without having a hit. OMG, what was I thinking??? I guess I wasn't because I had to have it before we went to the police station. From that moment forward I went straight down the drain. I had what I call a phsycological break down. I stayed in bed all the time and all I did was get up to pee and smoke my dope. PAIN AND SORROW was all I could feel. Poor me, look what happend to me. Look what these people did to me. Isn't that always the story.

Well anyway, In March of 2002 we got our son back. But, we were continuing to do the same things. Alot of criminal activity and drug use was going on at my moms' and in May of 2003 our son was taken again. In July of that same year my husband was hauled of to jail. In October, my mom lost her leg due to diabeties. I blame part of her loosing her leg on myself, since I pushed her down causing her to break her leg. And, in November of that year building and safety was called on us and I couldn't even take care of myself more or less a house. So, my sister and I were kicked out!!! My uncle and aunt put us up in a motel for about a month. The whole time I was using. Life was becoming more and more complicated. I didn't know how to live without my husband around and didn't not know how to live not using. Life really sucked. I was totally unemployable and my thinking was way past sanity infact I would say I was the poster child for insane thinking. In December my aunt came to me and told me that they could no long put me up in a motel at over $400 a week and that I would have to find a place to go. My aunt had this idea and told me to try calling the Salvation Army. I was like ok, thinking it was a place for homeless people. Then she said, "and, they have a great progam too". I was like "GREAT"!!! She said I was going to have to put my name on a waiting list. In my mind I was like ok a waiting list....cool!!! Then, she proceeded to tell me that I was going to have to call every day to see if they had a spot because they weren't going to call me. Another thought "GREAT"!!! My aunt also told me that it may take a week to three weeks to get in. I was like "YA"!!! So, the first day I decided to call because I was thinking that I just want to be able to tell my that I called and so I did. No bed!! WOOOOO HOOOOO!! Reason to party don't you think? The next day I woke up and realized that I was in tremendous pain with my teeth. I called my aunt and without me saying a word about coming to get me she did. So, while she was on her way I decided to call the Salvation Army just to let her now I was trying, never ever thinking there would be a chance that day they would have a bed. So, I called and the women on the other end said "yup, we have a bed available". At that moment, that very moment I felt a Power Greater than myself working in my life. I knew that, that power, who I choose to call GOD was doing for me what I could not do for myself. It was like the dark clouds around me parted and a huge ray of sunlight came beaming down on me. Everything this lady was saying I was agreeing to. I did not wind up going to that rehab because when I went to the hospital for my absess in my mouth they had to give me narcotics (although believe it or not I asked them not to). I wound up giving up my spot. I found another rehab and when I finally, finally got there I knew I was safe. I had no idea what to expect or what the outcome was going to be, I just knew it was meant to be.

I wish I could tell you that I stayed clean after I left rehab, but that is not my story. I relapsed in September of 2004 because I wasn't really an addict I could control it. Trust me when I say that life does pick up right where it was when I quit. Everything I had accomplished was once again disappearing, including my husband.
This run took about two and a half months. And, once again GOD was doing for me what I could not do for myself. GOD guided me right back into the room again.

GOD saved my life and NA has giving me a new way to live my life. I am so greatful to my predicessors and the people who walked this road before me because they are the ones that keep me here. They show me with no monetary gain that this does work!!! And, so I believe!!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you GOD!!!