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I'm note sure why but I never keep up with this site, It's silly really cuz there are alot of great people that I've met thru here. You ever feel like something is missing or just off? I know that I have extreme anxiety and that could be it (I had it before my addiction and its pretty much the reason I began to use drugs to begin with..a story we've all heard before, right) My substance abuse counselor that I see weekly says that more than likely that's what it is. I try so hard not to take my prescribed medication for it but I know I need to. It just that its addictive and I don't want to be addicted to something else you know? Then what's gonna happen when the time comes to stop taking it? I've tried so many other kinds of meds for anxiety and none of them have worked, boy if I made a list it would go on forever. And for some reason anti-depression meds make me depressed.

I just feel like something is missing, I mean I'm in the middle of going to school which is great. I'm a great mom to my son and my daughter even though my daughter still lives with my mom and that doesn't seem like its gonna change anytime soon or ever. My relationship with my boyfriend who I have been with for almost 5 yrs and God he has been with me thru the worst we're good. Right now we're going thru a stressful period though, financially. My b-day's tomorrow and I'm depressed about it. I grew up always making such a fuss about it and now it's nothing and it makes me sad. I know it probably sounds selfish right? But ugh we have so many bill that have to be paid within the next month and within that time is also my daughters b-day on Aug 28th and my sons on Sept 18th (and my boyfriends on Sept 14th) and on both mine and his b-day we have to renew our licenses and we're both in non-renewal status because of not paying excise taxes for like 3 years (each) so we're screwed. And I CAN'T let my children's birthday's suffer because we were irresponsible and didn't pay our bills when we should have.

So pretty much me and him are not getting along so great which really affects me. I don't know why I used to be able to shrug it off like it was nothing when we weren't getting along but now I take it to heart and I get so upset. I try to talk to him but he's not a "talker" so to say. He just seems so aggravated with me lately like everything I say or do is annoying. I just hate it when we're not on the same wavelength so to say.

Well good thing is I'm sober, I know that it may seem at this moment like it doesn't really matter but I know deep down that it does. Sometimes I just wish life was easy -- don't you?

Tags: Anxiety Money Problems

I was overwhelmed by the responses I've received from people from the last entry I wrote - Thank you to everyone.

It's so hard for me to think of me. I grew up always be accused of being selfish & mostly had no idea why and now because I made the wrong choices in my life (as we all did) and chose to use drugs in my family and significant others' eyes I'm not allowed to think of myself. Its hard to explain, it's like because I was (this is according to them which I know doesn't make it right but its what I have to live with and sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy) but so because I chose the drugs over my family and especially now because my daughter lives with my mother - that's very big even though I do have my son and it's been over 2 years since I used my mother still has a lot of anger but it's like I can't care about me. Does that make sense? It's like I don't matter what matters is everyone else - especially the people I've hurt and my children and of course they matter but I think I should too, right?

I go to counseling regularly and I don't go to meetings and darn it I've been saying I'm gonna go to myself for months but haven't got off my ass to go and that's on me I know that. But my counselor has advised me oh gosh for the last 5 years to distance myself emotionally at least from my mother but its like she has this ability to I don't know, get in my head and mess with it. It's funny too because we will be getting along so great, according to me and we'll call each other daily and of course I see my daughter on the weekends so I'll visit for a little bit when I pick her up and then all of a sudden she'll flip out on me. It's like it has a time too like every 3 months or so. And the day after I was going thru h*ll? with feeling as if I wanted to use she did it. I don't know where it came from I was in a good mood and she just wanted to let it out on me but this time she demanded to speak to my boyfriend. Which to me this was going a little too far because now I have my boyfriend who finally after a year and a half of us being on the rocks and now we're getting along she brings up all this s**t. I don't even know what the h*ll? it was. To me I'm doing great, I'm clean I'm going into a training program which starts next Tuesday, I take care of my son I have my daughter every weekend. Last weekend I took my daughter out bowling and then to lunch just the 2 of us -- and then I get yelled at from my boyfriend when he gets off the phone that I think everyone's out to get me (??) and that its not Monica against the world you know.  And my head was completely spinning like WTF is he talking about, do I act like that? Then of course mom calls again demands to speak to him but I guess this time they talked more but even at one point I could here I don't know what's going on with her lately..again WTF??

Does anyone have any idea how frustrating this is? I feel honestly like running away, if I didn't have my son I think I would just leave and go to a shelter a start over. I'm not an easy person to get along with yeah I know that and I guess this was a big issue but I made the mistake of talking to my mom like she was my friend and venting to her about my day sometimes I felt like screaming back at her like what are you talking about - look at the role model I had, I remember being in McDonald's and mushing cheeseburgers all over the booth because the order was wrong, my mother with me in the car chasing a lady because she cut her off into a parking lot and banging on the womens window swearing crazy demanding she get the f out of her car, oh how about her 8 months pregnant with my sister (I was 10) and she's on the ground in the parking lot fist-fighting with another women and then even in front of my sister she gets thrown out of the mall because she argues with a women at the pet store and rips the phone out of her hand when she's calling security -- I wanted to throw that all in her face but darn it I didn't I bit my tongue like I should have but how is she gonna say that everywhere I go I can't get along with people? Sorry my personality is a bit much and some people just get offended but I have never fought with anyone, I'm not confrontational. Then what really is still making me upset is my boyfriend said (in the middle when things were heated) "Maybe I have been to patient with you." EXCUSE ME? Pertaining to what? And he made the comment that addiction is a label that we put on to make ourselves feel better so that we can do whatever we want and we'll have an excuse. I have taken responsibility for everything I have done yes I do say that while I'm in "using mode" I don't care about anything or anyone except for drugs and it's like I become a different person. I wasn't saying I wasn't responsible for what happens during that time of course I am and we have talked about this more than once.

I just felt so confused like what is going on? I was really like just bring me to a psych hospital I don't even care. I'm at the point where whatever they want I'll do it so they'll shut the h*ll? up. Ever since I've gotten sober I can't stand up for myself because even if I do its like I'm not heard or taken seriously and my mother had the audacity to say that in the past 4 month or so I've gone backwards - she's freakin mental, I've come so forward in the last months I finally got on a medication that works for me. I'm not tired anymore taking naps all the time and unmotivated I'm going outside taking the kids out. There had to be more to whatever that was about but it's like it was due. When I go to counseling tomorrow I bet he won't even be surprised. He'll probably be like well it has been awhile since she called and stirred everything up for you.

I'm sorry I just needed to vent and because for some reason I can't get my ass to a meeting I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to oh of course there's my counselor once a week but that's not enough

I haven't visited this site in awhile and I know that's probably part of my problem. I've listened to my mother who thinks that I'm now cured and drugs have no problem in my life anymore. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me and I think I've always done that but I feel like its slipping away. I slipped 2 days ago and honestly it was freaking horrible. Nothing about the experience was "fun" being high was h*ll? I was paranoid and scared so why am I contemplating doing it again today? This morning my SO was a real bas***d. he was rushed when it came to work and stuff, little things ticked him off -it's like it was just an off morning and I'm taking it really to heart you know so then he drops me off and I made the phone call but said I had to get a ride to the ATM and would call back and thats true but I DO NOT WANT TO USE

Tags: Slip Help Relapse Prevention

I AM ALIVE AND WELL TO EVERYONE WHOM I'VE MET ON THIS SITE AND DEVELOPED GREAT RELATIONSHIPS WITH!! I'M SORRY I KEEP BOPPING IN AND OUT, LIFE GETS HECTIC SOMETIMES - I KNOW I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING NEW AM I? Well I am happy to say with all that has happened over the time I sorta went MIA and thru the hard times I've had to deal with I am still sober. I have realized something so hard though, I think I'm one of the people that you know they talk about at meetings who is clean but not in recovery. Or its put some which way like that. I mean I have changed my life it'll be 2 years soon, I don't hang with people who use or anything like that but I also haven't in the 2 years gone to meetings and I think well I know that's crippled me in growing.I honestly want to go and they even have them like a hop skip and a jump from my house twice a week which would be better than what I'm doing now right? I feel like 2 years wasted in a way but then I think 2 years drug-free so how can it be a waste? I'm not stupid I know many things about myself I can even tell when I'm in a bad spot and a slip may be in the near future but I also feel I being a smart person can grow and learn so much and I think I really need to. I right now actually am in the midst of a break-up (kinda sorta maybe just a break) with my son's father whom I've been in a relationship with for 4 and a half years and he's not a user at all (just thought I'd throw that in there) but I think even though its been 2 years since I've been clean from my relapse I know he still harbors resentments and he will NOT talk to me to anyone. UGH Why does life need to be so difficult????? I do pray that this year will be a year of growth for me personally which in turn will hopefully lead to growth in my relationships especially with my loved ones.

I'm gonna make this pretty short because anyone who knows me will tell ya I have a tendency to go on & on and on. So I used to be very active on this site but a few months ago I decided to give it a rest and try a couple different sites. I tried 12StepSpace.com which was okay, the only reason I left in the 1st place is because I really like message boards and stuff and I don't know about now but awhile ago there was pretty much no activity. It goes for the groups too, so I figured I would try something else but I will say no other site gives you the encouragement like this one . So I was going thru my (huge) list of sites and passwords and putting them into this cool program I downloaded from freedownloads.com its called Alpass. It's cool because when you get to the sign in screen of whatever site it automatically puts in the info (if you want it to) that way I don't have to keep opening up my word document where I made a table of the sites and usernames and passwords. Anyway when I got to this site it made me want to check it out and I was surprised that I haven't visited since like Feb or something like that. Anyway I love you guys that were always there for me and had kind words to say. And I really do believe that in part this site helped me get sober along with everything else because when I first came to this site I was still using here and there but trying like h*ll? to stop!
I hope to make new friends and talk to my old one's - Monica and I don't mind if anyone e-mails me -- RaeS25@comcast.net

As I believe I always start my blogs...it's been awhile since I last wrote or even last visited the site. It does sadden me a bit to see the small amount of participation. But hey who am I to talk right it's been like a month or 2, but I will say partly because not much goes on here ( sorry)

 Anyway I've written quite a few blogs but I delete them after time, I guess I just get sick of seeing them. You know what's so hard for me to get & I think I may have written this before. Things in my life are far from perfect but slowly are getting better and I should be happy but I'm not. Well I am, I finally get visits with my daughter (she's 7) on the weekends and that was a huge obstacle. My relationship with my family is taking baby steps (mainly my mom) but that I've come to terms with. I've received Jesus back into my life and since then I feel as if I'm a new me. For real, just by praying and reading his word & praying & praying it's like finally I've found my way back and don't you know shortly after I felt this my mother invited me and my son and boyfriend over her house for desert of Thanksgiving & let me tell you that was a miracle. Oh did that do it for me. But you know this big change in me I don't think my boyfriend is with me. I don't know if he's used to the me who always talked with an attitude or was bitchy but whenever I speak to him it's as if he assumes that's how I am being when I'm not, I'm being sincere and kind or caring. He's been mean to me lately is how I feel, maybe I'm being sensitive I don't know but I feel like our relationship is just disintegrating & it was before but I've been going thru this change inside of me, making me a better person and he's not seeing it I guess. I even talked to him about it, crying as I did and he listened, it's not always bad but it's not mostly good either. Marriage is not even a subject to be talked about, I feel like then what am I doing? I always looked at him as the one I would be with forever. Now I mention marriage and I get silence or Sunday he said something like how can you even think of us getting married with the way we've been getting along? Oh boy did I cry, I had this big plan I made in my head about how I was going to leave. Reality. I'm stuck, I stay at home with the baby, we're supposed to be getting ready for my daughter to come home & he's acting like what he wants it to end? He didn't say that he just said marriage wasn't an option? Then it made me think wow was I that miserable, I probably was while I was getting clean or just sober, he was also there when I ran away to use maybe he now has resentments a year later he can't let go. I don't know what to do. Make arrangement to apply for housing for me and my kids - it'll take like 6 months but then what? I know he'd never kick me out. Is he staying with me because of our son? I've asked these questions and he doesn't answer he acts like I'm crazy and says if I didn't love you I wouldn't be here. He could go back to his parents (I don't have that cozy option) but would he try to take my son? I'm getting ahead of myself but Sunday was a hard day for me. There was a time in our relationship before I hit rock bottom that he would say things to me like I want to marry you and I cant wait to spend our lives together but why doesn't he talk to me anymore? Never mind like that but at all really? He chose to come back to me after I came back even when his family and friends were telling him not too he chose to and that was like a year and a half ago. He's really changed since the baby was born, I'm an awesome mom, the only gripe he could have is I could clean the house more but it is clean there's just a few things that could be straightened but hey I chase after a 14 month old everyday taking care of him & I do Mark (my boyfriend) dishes and pick up his clothes and put them away (sorry not all the time.) I don't believe I should have to, he is Portuguese and that means that his mom takes care of everything so when he left the house he had never done laundry or had to do dishes or clean a floor Oh yeah I'm not lying & my mom was real and made me do chores starting at what 9? A lot of people I know say its hard to be with a Portuguese man and I laugh, yes it is. I'm just so scared of the future with us, it's like as everything in my life gets better he makes it harder for me at home. I'm just about ready to put my son in daycare and go back to work, what's he gonna do then? He wants me to, we can use the money and I've always worked. I just don't know why he's not supportive and when I try to talk to him all I get is I try my best when in fact he really doesn't try at all.  What the h*ll? do I do? Just go on for the ride and hope things will change? I figure once I'm working and stuff I'll have my own little things going on and won't be in the house everyday and that'll make a difference right?

I was just on a site it was Healthyplace.com and I went to where it said addiction and then from there somehow I ended up clicking on cocaine and then to crack and then to some other site with an article not about recovery or anything but just about crack cocaine itself about how it makes "the user" feel and how its made and all kinds of s**t that just got to me so bad. I've been clean awhile but not a long time I have so much s**t going on in my life it really takes work to stay clean even after what 9 months? Some days or weeks or months even fly by without a thought and then out of the blue the cravings (I guess that's what this is) takes ahold, I haven't picked up to me its in my head as not an option but I get stuck in my head and it starts going and going and I try to shake the thoughts and memories away or I try to play it until the end where my life was a horrible mess and think of how I'm still climbing out of the mess it caused me but sometimes it doesn't help. Like right this moment I honestly want to use I don't care how it'll feel afterwords when it's gone or anything - thank the Lord above I don't have the cash on me or the car today (it broke down yesterday at the time I was upset but I guess everything happens for a reason huh?). I'm scared I know these feelings will pass but they've been more frequent lately and it's like they say how you relapse before you pick up I'm scared that's what it is and I'm doomed to pick up. I've even convinced myself I can keep it a secret but its bulls**t I can't do it I'd be digging my own grave. I'm working to get my daughter back I'm responsible 24/7 for my son who is going to be 1 in 2 days and my boyfriend actually trusts me (to a point) I never thought I'd get here and look at what I'm thinking about - throwing it away for what? Ugh at least I feel a little better now even just writing that it put things in perspective a bit.

I just don't get why I still have the urge to use sometimes? What is up with that with all the horrible consequences it will entail -- WHY?

Well I got my ass to the psychiatrists' yesterday and got the script for the Cymbalta but you and I both know just popping one pill yesterday isn't gonna work a miracle. I know it'll take a few days to get into my system and stuff but it worked out ok. I did learn that is a pill that for now I have to take at night cause thank goodness my boyfriend was home yesterday to help take care of our son because I took the pill as soon as I got my script of course and within like an hour I was tired and drowsy and I SLEPT let me tell you. I fell asleep at like 12pm and then woke up at 5pm and was up until about 8pm and then back to sleep but then I was up at like 5am.  I was lucky I had a counseling appt yesterday too and he called later in the day to talk to me and make sure I went to the Dr's and I had also asked him during our session that morning if he could call and talk to my boyfriend just about support and stuff. And he did and it went good I know I must be so hard to deal with but its not all me it does take 2 no matter what. But hopefully he'll put his words into action and I'm gonna do my best not to take out my frustration and all that out on Mark (my man) because poor thing he must want to choke me sometimes and I don't blame him for losing it and being mean or  yelling at me sometimes when I'm going on and on. But so far today no panic attack which is good, I think I'm still a bit I don't know the word sedated kinda from taking that Cymbalta yesterday, the Dr gave me 60 mg pills to take one per day instead of 30 mg which I had before. I don't know if that's good or bad I didn't really have enough time to know if the 30mg was good enough I only took it for 4 weeks and then ran out and basically after what 4 days or so after not taking it I started losing it. If that happened with 30mg a day I'd hate to see 60mg but I'll be more responsible and make sure to not let my meds run out, I should already have that down pat but me I have to not just learn my lesson once and get it I have to do it about 3 or 4 times to be like alright I'm not going to do that anymore because when I do I feel horrible.  But to whoever is even listening I thank you all just being able to get it out is a help.

Tags: Serene

Something is seriously wrong with me - mentally. I know the difference between situational things and things that are really wrong, you know & I am freaking out. I am prescribed Valium 5mg up to 4 times a day. Its NOTHING it is like I am taking candy. I've started having 1 to 2 panic attacks a day, I'm just getting over having one. I don't get it, I'm to take the Valium as a preventative measure (for anxiety not panic attacks they had gone away awhile ago and now they're back?). It went down to taking Valium cuz I've tried every other medication under the sun for anxiety that wasn't a benzo or narcotic and nothing worked, I'm so sick and tired of this. I was given a months worth of Cymbalta in sample form and I took it and I really think it helped but then I ran out and didn't really notice there wasn't anymore in my pill dispenser thing until like 4 to 5 days later and by then I had already slumped into a rut. I'm going tomorrow to see the Dr and thank God he's not one of "those" that think if your an addict your automatically out for drugs.  But I've a lot of different drugs I started with Valium went to klonopin then ativan then back to Valium but it was for anxiety and now all of a sudden my panic attacks are back (its been years since they've been like this - paralyzing if u have any idea of what I mean) so I need to tell him that and obviously ask for a script of Cymbalta & tell him I believe it really worked (FINALLY SOMETHING WORKED FOR MY DEPRESSION!).  At least I know what triggered this panic attack, I was watching CSI and there was a brief glimpse of this girl taking a hit of a pipe I don't know if it was crack or meth but that had to be what sent me into a panic - why like a freaking out can't breathe panic?  Usually yeah I'll get a knot in my stomach and change the channel or look away, I only have just over 7 months I can't see that crap in my face.

I feel like I'm going crazy I've been so mean and hostile to my man and even nasty to his mom the other night and the poor little Portuguese lady was just trying to help. I've even been kinda suicidal. And I never really have been before, yeah when I was using I wanted to die but nothing like this. I feel like I'm losing it. Could taking a months worth of Cymbalta then stopping suddenly do this? I've stopped a lot of drugs suddenly and been moody and stuff but this is out of control. Even with the baby I just try to get him to play with his toys or watch TV cuz its like my patience level is low and usually with my kids I have amazing patience unlike with anyone else.  What do u think? Anyone?  2 nights ago I cried all night I was scared almost enough to like I don't know commit myself and I've never been thru anything like that, my mother is also really messing with me as far as my daughter goes so yes that has a huge factor on my frame of mind but still??? I've always felt I've been in some sort of control even when it seemed I was out of control but now I really do feel out of control - I'm scared

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