I don't usually do this, but after reading two of my daily meditations today, I felt the urge to journal my thoughts about them...

The first one is from Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women

OCTOBER 5:

"Sometimes I think I'm the luckiest person in the world. There's nothing better than having work you really care about. Sometimes I think my greatest problem is lack of confidence. I'm scared, and I think that's healthy." -- Jane Fonda

 We each vacillate between feeling confident on some days, lucky on others, and yet frequently scared on others. It's very human to vacillate. We need to not be anxious because our emotions refuse to stand still.

Changing emotions are part of the process of normal living. And changing emotions reflect an involvement with the environment. Situations do touch us, as they should. And our responses will reveal our emotional involvement, as they should. We can cherish the variety of our emotions. They enrich us. But they may also create problems, if they go unchecked.

We need to maintain a balance. Confidence, certainly desirable, can become overconfidence, and thus, complacency. Confidence needs humility to temper it. Fear makes us cautious and that's good, but too mnuch can immobilize us. Being in charge of our emotions makes them work for us.

Emotions can energize me and keep me involved with the moment. They can also control me. It's my decision to be in charge.

---

Hooooooooly crap. That's a good one for everything that's been going on in my life lately. I have been very stressed because of the roommate situation (with Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs refusing to pay rent and us risking eviction), I've been very anxious, angry, hurt, agitated, irritable, etc. The list could go on and on. But just because I'm feeling these things doesn't mean I have to act on them. I have every right to be angry that CrazyBitch is acting childish and refusing to pay rent, therefore causing us to either pay $1300 (that we don't have), or get evicted. But just because I'm angry, irritated, etc. doesn't mean I have to act on those feelings. Whatever is going to happen will happen. All I can do is search for another roommate, try to find a way to get the bills paid on time, and get everything in order so I can take her to small claims court. By continuously being angry and anxious, I am only hurting myself. I am letting the emotions control me and I am physically suffering because of it. I'm tired because I'm not sleeping well because I'm so stressed. My stomach is almost always messed up, I have a headache (possibly from lack of sleep, more likely because I grind my teeth in my sleep when I'm agitated, and from clenching my jaw) and I just flat-out don't feel good. I've been letting this anger fester inside of me. Today, as I was driving, I thought I saw her car. I was literally ready to slam on the brakes, jump out of my car and start a fight. How ridiculous is that? Fighting her won't accomplish anything, other than making me feel better (at least for a little while). What will feel better is taking her to court and getting all my money back. It will take slightly more time than finding her around town and beating her ass, but in the end, the pros & cons of small claims court FAR outweight the pros of beating her ass.

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From Believing in Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing & Building Self-Esteem

OCTOBER 5

"He who has once burnt his mouth always blows on his soup." -- German Proverb

Just as our past experiences set up our expectations of what is to come, our expectations actually give form and shape to future events. Some people call this phenomenon self-fulfilling prophecy. Others just say, "I knew that was going to happen!" and never discover a pattern. But the fact is that expectations are the tracks our train runs on. And where the tracks go, so goes the train.

That's why, when we're seeking to support our self-esteem, we need to find out just what our expectations really are. Do we truly expect to be happy? Do we really think change is possible? Do we honestly believe that we are capable of taking part in a loyal, committed relationships? Do we expect to ever have fun again?

It may be that we don't. Perhaps the truth is an ingrained certainty that "this will hurt", the worst will inevitably happen,failure and disappointment are right around the corner. If that's the case, we need to know it so we can do something about it. If self-esteem is a train running on the tracks of our expectations, we may need to lay down some new tracks.

Past experiences only foretell the future if I permit it.

---

Story of my life. I  live my life in the present, based on things that have happened in the past. I have programmed myself for failure. After an event that happened in May, I realized my expectations/thoughts. After reading this meditation, I realize just how self-destructive they are. My expectations are pretty pessimistic. I basically see myself as a failure. With regards to relationships, I've been hurt, lied to, led on and cheated on so many times that I don't believe I ever will find love. I believe that I'll never be good enough for any man, and that the only way I'll be able to have a relationship is if I change myself to be what they want, do whatever it takes to be good enough. Looking back on my life, I truly believe that this "never good enough" mentality led to a LOT of the problems I've gone through. As a younger kid, I felt that I wasn't good enough. I honestly had no reason to believe that. I simply had no self-esteem, and that's what I thought. So in my twisted mindset, I somehow made the connection between looks and being "good enough". I thought that I wasn't good enough because I wasn't pretty. I thought that I wasn't pretty because I was too fat. And that led me into anorexia. It wasn't necessarily full-blown anorexia, but it was enough that people noticed. They didn't realize how self-destructive I was being. And this has continued, on and off, from the time I was 12 until now. Even today, I still have that mindset. The urges come and go, but they're always there. And the belief that I'm not good enough has always been there. I remember telling a boy, "Just tell me that I'm not good enough, that I'm not what you wanted." He wouldn't tell me that, and I became so angry that I didn't even want to talk to him. He said it wasn't true, and he wasn't going to lie to me. In my mind, it wasn't a lie. I really wasn't good enough. I just wanted someone to reinforce that, to validate my beliefs.

In the end, I think it's going to be hard to change my expectations. I have been hurt so many times. I have come to accept failure, to expect the worst. I haven't had a horrible life by any means, but it's been very tough, very challenging. Sometimes, I wish that things would just go right, and that I could live a normal life. I think that for me to change my expectations, some pretty major things will need to happen. For starters, I think that I will need to have some experiences that don't involve pain and failure and hurt. I need to experience getting something (major) right, not being lied to and used and being treated like dirt. I need proof that I am worth it, that I am good enough, that someone can love me without me having to change myself to be who they want. But to be honest, as I sit here writing this, I don't really see that happening. Maybe I'm just too pessimistic, but I don't really think that will happen. More realistically, I think I will continue to have "catastrophic thinking", that I'll never feel good enough for anyone, that I'll always expect the worst. I want to believe that things will change, but I'm too afraid to put my hope in it. If I do put my hope in things changing, and they don't, I'll be hurt again, and I'll be even more afraid to believe in anything.

I don't know, I need to stop for the night...I'm tired and probably not making ANY sense at this point. I have two more from tonight that I want to journal on, but I'm just too darn tired to do them tonight. I'll work on them in the morning. G'night.

---

FOR TOMORROW:

From "Language of Letting Go":

Learn to let yourself be guided into truth.

We will know what we need to know, when we need to know that. We don't have to feel badly about taking our own time to reach our insights. We don't have to force insight or awareness before it's time.

Yes! Maybe the whole world saw a particular truth in our life, and we denied it - until we were ready to deal with it. That is our business, and our right! Our process is our own, and we will discover our truths at the right time, when we are ready, when the learning experience is complete.

The most growth-producing concept we can develop for others and ourselves is to allow ourselves to have our own process. We can give and receive support and encouragement while we go through this process. We can listen to others and say what we think. We can set boundaries and take care of ourselves, when needed. But we still give others and ourselves the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule.

When we are ready, when the time is right, and when our Higher Power is ready - we will know what we need to know.

Today, I will let myself and others have our own pace and time schedule for growth and change. I will trust that I will be empowered with insights and the tools for dealing with these insights, at the right time

---

From "Today's Gift":

I think of the trees and how simply they let go, let fall the riches of a season, how without grief (it seems) they can let go and go deep into their roots for renewal and sleep.  —May Sarton

"How can I do what you say," asked the child, "and still be me?"

"Look at me," said the tree. "I bend in the wind, droop in the rain. Yet I always remain myself, a tree."

"Look at me," said the man. "I can't change."

"Look at me," said the tree. "I change every season from green to brown to green again, from bud to flower to fallen leaf. Yet I always remain myself, a tree."

"I can't love anymore," said the woman. "With my love, I have given away all that I am."

"Look at me," said the tree. "There are robins in my branches, owls in my trunk, moss and ladybugs living on my bark. They may take what I have, but not what I am."

Whether we know it or not, we are like the tree. Only our pride hangs on to a false sense of self, wanting to keep everything, refusing to follow advice or orders. What we do doesn't matter; how we do it is what counts.

What changes have I gone through without losing my real self?

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"I Hope You Dance" -- Lee Ann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some h*ll? bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

---

Nine years ago today, my best friend died. She died after a week-long struggle in the ICU. She died after a car wreck that occurred on 9/11/2001. Exactly a week after her older sister passed away, Cassie was taken off life support. That week, the world lost two beautiful, loving girls with so much promise. That week, a younger sister lost her two heroes, the two people that she looked up to and loved. That week, heaven gained two angels. Even thinking about it is very painful, but I want to remember Cassie. She had such a large impact on my life and I want to honor her life and thank her for the things that she taught me during the course of our friendship.

---

I had met Cassie at a summer Girl Scout camp. We were at a horseback riding camp, and we quickly bonded over our love of animals, 'NSYNC and similar sense of humor. Many 12-year-old girls can be cruel to each other, saying things to intentionally hurt others, talking trash to make themselves seem cool. They can be especially cruel to girls who don't fall into the "popular group". And even though Cassie was one of the popular girls at camp, she was never cruel. Cassie was one of the nicest people I have ever met. She loved everyone, never treating others unkindly. She was just as nice to her close friends as she was to the people that she didn't particularly like. I don't think I ever heard Cassie say an unkind word about any of the other girls at camp. Over the week, Cassie and I grew closer and closer. During camp, we went on an overnight. We were making nachos for dinner and we burnt the cheese. In case you have never burnt cheese over a campfire, it smells horrendous. Cassie and I were the only ones who were willing to clean the dish that held the cheese. I don't remember much else of what we did that evening, but that night, as Cassie and I tried to sleep in our tent, a storm hit. It was an intense storm, flooding out campsite. Our tent stayed intact, but not by much.

After camp, we stayed in contact. Cassie came up and helped celebrate my birthday. We went tubing at Clinton Lake, and had dinner at Pizza Hut. At the time, an NSYNC cd had just come out, and I had gotten it as a birthday present. We blasted it as we rode to Pizza Hut, singing the lyrics out the window of the car. Over dinner, I opened my presents. One friend had stuck a box of "Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans" in my bag, and Cassie was the only one brave enough to try the booger flavored ones. Cassie got me a horse figurine, the horse was named Elmer Studd. I still have Elmer. He sits on top of my TV in my bedroom, right next to the picture of Cassie and I on the lake. The frame says "Friends forever".

Over the rest of the summer and the following fall, we helped out at different events at the barn on the weekend, sometimes helping teach younger girls how to ride. Cassie loved helping out at these events, loved helping the younger girls, some of them being on a horse for the first time. Even more than that, Cassie loved being in the barn. She loved just being with the horses. She would walk up and down the aisle at the barn, stopping to say hi to all of the horses, even the ones that were a pain to work with and a pain to ride. Cassie had an amazing way with animals, especially horses. It was like she understood them. The picture below is from the weekend before she passed away, at a weekend lesson at Camp Daisy.

The weekend before September 11, 2001, Cassie and I worked at a weekend event at the barn. Afterward, we went to Cassie's house. We spent the day playing with her animals, watching movies, and that evening went to a county fair with her family. On the way back from the fair, Cassie wasn't wearing her seatbelt in the car. I said something to her about putting it on, but she didn't. I let it go. Now I wish I hadn't. I wish I had pushed her to put her seatbelt on. Maybe if I had, she would've had it on the day of the wreck. The next morning, we went out and took care of the animals. Before I left, her mom made us lunch. We laid on the trampoline, watching the clouds and eating our sandwiches. They had a pool, but I hadn't brought a swimsuit. Cassie teased Crystal and I, saying I could borrow Crystal's swimsuit, but I would have to stuff it with toilet paper rolls so that it would fit. When my mom came to pick me up, I gave Cassie a big hug, told her that I'd call her, and that I'd see her again soon. I never saw her or spoke to her again.

A few days later, on September 11, 2001, I got an e-mail from the camp director. She told me that there had been an accident. There was some type of miscommunication, because I thought that Cassie's mom had been in an accident. I left her a message at home, asking her what was going on and to call me back. Her mom called back, talking to my mom, telling her what had happened. My mom broke the news to me. She told me that Cassie, Crystal and Amber had been in a car accident, that Cassie and Crystal were in the ICU, in comas. I found out the next day that Crystal had died, that she had been taken off life support. Cassie was still fighting, though. There had been a blip about it in the newspaper. It said that she had been life-flighted to StormontVail West. A few days later, another article ran, and it stated that they had been life-flighted to Saint Francis hospital. For the following week, I called the ICU in both hospitals, checking every single day on Cassie. Every single day, I was told that they couldn't confirm or deny that she was a patient at their hospital. I kept calling anyway, praying that one day I might get a nurse who would relent and give me some information about her.

September 18th came, a bright, sunny, beautiful day. The terrorist attacks were still foremost on everyone's minds. For me, I associated September 11th with the terrorist attacks, but more on the fact that it was the day the girls had gotten in the wreck. That day was an early-release day at my school. Towards the end of the day, a friend asked me to come over to her house after school. As the bell rang and I ran to my mom's car, the only thing on my mind was going to Brittanee's house. When I got into the car, I could instantly tell that something was wrong. Then my mom informed me that Cassie had died. In an instant, my world fell apart. Everything cracked, and I felt as though everything was out of control. My mom drove me over to my grandparent's house, and I was literally out of control. I was crying so hard that I was hyperventilating, close to making myself vomit from all the tears and mucus and heartache. The minute we pulled up to my grandparent's house, I tore across the lawn and barreled into my grandma's arms. I was sobbing, asking her why God took Cassie, why he took Crystal, what did they do to deserve to die? My grandma had no answer, she just kept repeating that Cassie was such a sweet girl, that she wasn't in pain anymore and promised that everything was going to be okay.
The rest of that day was a blur. I don't remember anything. That evening, my grandparents took me out to dinner. I absolutely did not want to go. I had no appetite and couldn't go more than about five minutes without dissolving into tears. But my family was adamant, so I ended up going to dinner. The restaurant we went to had just opened, and they had a guy that was making balloon animals. I didn't want one, but my grandma explained to him that my best friend had just died. He took some balloons and made two bears holding hands, a palm tree in between them. He told me that one was me and one was her. I have no idea what the significance was, but it made me feel a little better. I kept those balloons long after they had deflated.

After dinner, my grandparents took me back to my house. When I walked into the kitchen, I saw something sitting on the kitchen counter. It was a picture from my birthday, of Cassie and I on the inner tube. The frame said "Friends Forever". While at dinner, my stepdad had gone out and gotten the frame, printed off the picture, framed it and left it for me. I burst into tears again. For months, I couldn't look at the picture, it was too painful. I had to turn the picture around on my nightstand. Nowadays, the picture sits on my dresser, next to Elmer.

The following week went by in a blur. I don't really remember going back to school, but I know I did. Somehow, word had gotten around the school that Cassie had died, even before anything appeared in the newspaper. I thought that was odd, because Cassie didn't go to my school, didn't even live in my town. Everyone was so caring, so sympathetic that she had died, even though none of them knew her.

The following weekend was her funeral. When I walked into the school gym, I saw her light blue casket. Everyone from school had signed it. All the cheerleaders wore their uniforms. I didn't know what to expect, seeing as it was my first funeral. The only other thing I remember about the funeral was how hard I cried. It was at that point it finally hit me that she was gone.

People talk about the five stages of grief. I can tell you that after Cassie's death, I didn't go through all five stages. I don't remember ever going through the stage of denial. I'm sure that when I was first told that she had died, I didn't believe it. But very quickly I came to accept the fact that she was gone. I don't think I ever went through bargaining either. The closest I came to bargaining was wishing that I had died along with Cassie. I did stay stuck in depression for a long time. I also went through some weird, OCD-like rituals before she died though. After I found out she had died, I realized that I hadn't called the hospital the night before, and I somehow linked that to why she died. As is common in OCD, I believed that because I hadn't performed my ritual, it had caused something bad to happen. I had almost become obsessive-compulsive about calling the hospital to check on her. I thought that if I called every night, she would live. In my mind, because I hadn't checked on her, she had died. And I felt that it was my fault she died.

---

I have kept Cassie close to me throughout the years. I keep her picture on my dresser, along with Elmer. I raised money and purchased and built a bench for Cassie, which is still at the Girl Scout camp. It has a plaque on it that honors her. For my graduation present, my mom designed a ring for me that had three shooting stars on it. Two of the stars have small pink jewels in the center. The other has a small blue jewel. Those stars are for three of my friends that have died, and one of them is Cassie. I also got a tattoo for her on my 18th birthday. It's a red star on my hip. At first I wanted to get a tattoo that had something to do with horses. I ended up choosing the star. The weekend before she passed away, Cassie had worn a shirt with a red star on it. I don't know why, but that always stuck in my mind and it later became my tattoo. I also make a point to visit Cassie twice a year: on her birthday, and today. If I have the money, I buy some pretty flowers to leave. If I don't, I simply go and talk to her. I'll talk to her about what I've been up to, telling her about school and where life has taken me over the year. Maybe people think I'm crazy for talking to a headstone, but I like to think that Cassie is up in heaven listening to me, congratulating me on my accomplishments and wanting to lecture me about my poor taste in boyfriends.

Over the years, I have come to realize that there was nothing I could have (or couldn't have) done to save Cassie. All the phone calls in the world couldn't have saved her from dying. Cassie simply sustained too many injuries that her body could not recover from. She put up an amazing fight, but in the end, the injuries were too much. I have stopped wishing that I had died along with Cassie. I have come to realize that Cassie would not have wanted me to live in a deep, dark depression. Instead, Cassie would want me to live my life to the fullest, enjoying every last little thing. As like in the song, Cassie never took anything for granted, and she never showed any regrets. Cassie lived her life to the fullest. If I really want to honor Cassie and remember her life, I need to live my life in the same way.

RIP Cassie Jean "Cowgirl" Weeks -- 5/18/88 ~ 9/18/01

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Governor Mark Parkinson signed a proclamation making September 5th-11th "Kansas Suicide Prevention Week" Here is the actual proclamation:

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Governor’s Proclamation for Suicide Prevention Week of September 5-11, 2010:

WHEREAS, in the United States, one person dies by suicide every 15 minutes, with 34,598
deaths by suicide in our country during 2007;

WHEREAS, suicide is the eleventh leading cause of all deaths in the United States, and the third
leading cause of death for teens and young adults between the ages of 15 and 24;

WHEREAS, each person’s death by suicide intimately affects at least six other people, with over
200,000 newly bereaved each year;

WHEREAS, in 2007, Kansas had the 19 th highest rate of death by suicide of all 50 states;

WHEREAS, in 2008, suicide was the tenth leading cause of all deaths in the state of Kansas, and
was the second leading cause of death for Kansans between the ages of 15 and 24; and the third
leading cause of death for Kansans between the ages of 25 and 34,

WHEREAS, in 2008, 350 Kansans died by suicide, and several thousand friends and family
members were changed forever by losing those people;

WHEREAS, many of those people who died never received effective mental health services, for
many reasons including the stigma of using mental health treatment and the stigma associated
with losing a loved one to suicide;

WHEREAS, the Suicide Prevention Subcommittee of the Governor’s Mental Health Services
Planning Council, which is comprised of representatives of mental health organizations, state
agencies, educational institutions, and the community at large, who are dedicated to reducing the
frequency of suicide attempts and deaths, and the pain for those affected by suicide deaths,
through research projects, educational programs, intervention services, and bereavement services
urges that all Kansans:
1. Recognize suicide as a significant public health problem in Kansas and declare suicide
prevention a statewide priority;
2. Support the development of accessible mental health services, for all parts of our state,
implementing national best practices in reducing suicide risk for people of all ages and
backgrounds
3. Acknowledge that no single suicide prevention effort will be sufficient or appropriate for
all populations or communities; and
4. Encourage initiatives based on the goals contained in the Kansas Plan to Reduce Suicide
and the National Strategy for Suicide Prevention;
WHEREAS, far too many Kansans die by suicide each year, and most of these deaths are
preventable;
THEREFORE IT BE RESOLVED that, I, Mark Parkinson, Governor of Kansas, do hereby
designate September 5th through 11th, 2010, as “Suicide Prevention Week” in the state of
Kansas and urge Kansans to learn how they can help because Suicide Prevention Is Everyone’s
Business.

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Also, National Survivors Day is November 20th

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Wow...a year ago today I was celebrating my 21st birthday! It's crazy how much things change over the course of a year...

I got myself out of an abusive relationship...got stalked...had to move into the DV shelter, filed a protective order...started school again...made KU marching band...worked at boy scout camp...stayed outta the hospital for 6mos.

Most recently found out that the county is pressing charges against my ex for violating the protective order. Two charges, actually.

Anyway...sorry it's been so long since I've updated. Needless to say, life has been crazy lately.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Much love,
Missy

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Well, I guess it's technically June 3rd now, but whatever 

You're only human, you supposed to make mistakes -- Billy Joel

Are we determined faultfinders? It may be easy for us to point fingers at others or to cite instances of wrongdoing. It also may be easy for us to misinterpret another's actions, twist words or make something seem totally opposite to the truth.
     Everyone makes mistakes, including us. But somewhere along the path of our growth, we learned we could defend ourselves if we were judge and jury. So we took a defensive stance, clinging to our battle stations as we weathered school, family, relationships and careers.
     We don't have to be so ready to makeourselves blameless and faultless. We can disband our courts of law at any time. But when we do, we will be admitting to ourselves and the people in our lives that we are only human. When we, too, can see ourselves as human, we'll no longer li=ook at life as a battlefield but as a classroom where everyone is both teacher and student.

I can see myself as human and accept that no human being is blameless.

---

I take issue with tonight's meditation. Yes, I am guilty of blaming others, playing judge and jury. But for the most part, I blame myself. Anything bad that happens, I blame it on myself, even if it isn't my fault. Even if it isn't anyone's fault. For example, I admitted to a good friend that I really liked him (in a romantic way) and he basically shot me down. He said that he wasn't in a place right now where he could be in a relationship because his life is so unstable. Instead of taking it at face value and moving on, I freaked out. I told him that the one thing he could do to make me feel better was to tell me that I wasn't what he wanted, that I wasn't good enough for him. Needless to say, he got pretty angry & wouldn't say it. He said that friends don't lie to each other, and he wasn't going to lie to me to make me feel better. He also said that he knew I would use that to validate what I've been told by other people, and he wasn't going to help me put myself down.

I don't know, maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense in my head. In the situation, there wasn't anyone to blame; he isn't a place right now where it would be good for him to be in a relationship. Instead of taking it at face value, I put the blame on myself, saying that it was me, that I he just didn't want to have a relationship with me. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but I'm going to take what he said at face value and not read into it.

I'm just so used to taking the blame for everything. In my relationship with my ex, he told me that I was the reason our relationship was falling apart, and I agreed with him. I felt like it was my fault. In reality, it was falling apart because he was trying to F**k my (ex) best friend of 18 years.

Basically, I'm not used to someone else taking the blame. I'm not used to a situation where there isn't someone to blame. The only thing I know is to somehow find a way to blame myself; to somehow make it my fault. Because if I can say, "I f**ked up, I'm not good enough", then I know how to react, I know what to do.

It pissed me off so much that he wouldn't tell me that. All I wanted him to tell me was that I wasn't what he wanted and that I wasn't good enough for him. Because I needed to be able to put the blame on myself or else it was too painful. I just wanted to hear him say that. That way, it would validate what everyone else has told me. Even though it sounds bass-ackwards, it would've made me feel better. I've gotten so used to hearing that I'm a failure, not good enough, it's my fault, etc. that it's easier to hear. I know how to react.

I'm a masochist. An episode of CSI comes to mind. Nick and Ray are talking, after a case involving a young girl (Taylor Swift) who was murdered. Nick feels like it's his fault she dies. This is the following conversation between him and Ray:

Langston: You alright?
Nick : She didn't have to die, Ray.
Langston : You're right, she didn't have to die. ... You aren't beating yourself up about this, are you?
Nick : If I could've figured out what was goin' on in Tana Carrow's murder sooner, then Nicole Jones would've been locked up. Haley would still be alive.
Langston : I knew you were a fellow masochist. Tell me what your favorite form of self-Langston: You alright?
Nick: She didn't have to die, Ray.
Langston: You're right, she didn't have to die. ... You aren't beating yourself up about this, are you?
Nick: If I could've figured out what was goin' on in Tana Carrow's murder sooner, then Nicole Jones would've been locked up. Haley would still be alive.
Langston: I knew you were a fellow masochist. Tell me what your favorite form of Langston: You alright?
Nick: She didn't have to die, Ray.
Langston: You're right, she didn't have to die. ... You aren't beating yourself up about this, are you?
Nick: If I could've figured out what was goin' on in Tana Carrow's murder sooner, then Nicole Jones would've been locked up. Haley would still be alive.
Langston: I knew you were a fellow masochist. Tell me what your favorite form of self-flagellation is? I'll tell you what I like to do, get on the internet, go on a website, movie site, find my favorite movie of the moment. And then I like to read all the comments telling me why I'm wrong, have such terrible taste and when I really can't sleep, I like to sculpt orchids because it's the only thing that will silence the voices in my head.
Nick: But tonight, there's only one voice, ... (starts to cry) and she keeps asking me 'What happened, what happened?'
Ray: What happened is a young girl died because of events that were set in motion long before she was ever born. It doesn't make it feel any better does it? You know Nick, everyone keeps telling me what this job isn't. How you feel right now, tells me what it is. I'm so sorry, Nick.
Nick: But tonight, there's only one voice, ... (starts to cry) and she keeps asking me 'What happened, what happened?'
Ray: What happened is a young girl died because of events that were set in motion long before she was ever born. It doesn't make it feel any better does it? You know Nick, everyone keeps telling me what this job isn't. How you feel right now, tells me what it is.
Nick : But tonight, there's only one voice, ... (starts to cry) and she keeps asking me 'What happened, what happened?'
Ray : What happened is a young girl died because of events that were set in motion long before she was ever born. It doesn't make it feel any better does it? You know Nick, everyone keeps telling me what this job isn't. How you feel right now, tells me what it is. I'm so sorry, Nick.

That's kind of how I am. I'm always beating myself up over the littlest, stupidest things. And it makes me feel better to hear that I'm worthless, stupid, not good enough, wrong, bad, etc. because it's what I'm used to. I haven't ever had a guy that hasn't not told me that. And eventually, if you hear something long enough, you begin to believe it.

So I don't know that I really agree with this meditation (at least not for me personally). Yes, I blame others, I won't lie. But for the most part, I blame myself. I beat myself up. I don't do it to make myself look better. Far from it. It'd be a lot easier to blame others. I do it because it's what I'm used to, it's what I'm comfortable with. When my friend wouldn't tell me that I wasn't what he wanted, that I wasn't good enough, I was pissed. But he was pissed too. I was pissed because him telling me that would've made me feel better. It would've comforted me. It would've validated all the things that every other guy in my life has told me. He was pissed because he felt like I was asking him to lie to me, and even if it made me feel better, he was still lying to me, and friends don't lie to each other. My rationale was that I wasn't asking him to tell me I was his dream girl, that I was drop-dead gorgeous, etc. Far from it. I was just asking him to tell me that I'm not what he wanted, that I'm not good enough. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do it. I mean, we tell white lies all the time to make people feel better. My friend could ask me if I like her outfit and even if it's hideous, I'll tell her it looks ok, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. Same situation, I felt like he could've told me a white lie to make me feel better, but he was absolutely not going to tell me that.

I am a masochist. I don't know what my form of self-flagellation is. I have some ideas, but nothing concrete. I guess that always taking the blame, always beating myself up, putting myself down, that could be a form of self-flagellation.

I don't know, at this point, I'm just rambling in an Ambien-induced haze. It's time to go to bed. Sorry if this made NO sense to anyone. At the very least, it made sense to me, in my head.

Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow!
Much love!
~Missy

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**Note: Those lyrics have aboslutely NOTHING to do with this note. I've just had that song stuck in my head all day**

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I’ve had an exceptionally crappy day. Basically since about 11:30, it’s just been s**t. I’ve been really stressed out and upset, and Brandon suggested I start journaling again. I haven’t really journaled since high school, but there for a while, I was doing really good at reading my nightly meditation and journaling about them. So, I’ve decided I’m going to start doing that again. I’m too tired to write tonight, so I’m just posting it on here. Maybe I’ll keep posting them on here, but for tonight, I just don’t have the energy to write it out by hand.

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Nightly Meditation from “Night Light”

The pessimist sees the difficulty in opportunity; the optimist, the opportunity in every difficulty – L.P. Jacks

How many times have we opted not to do something and listed countless reasons? Perhaps we’ve rejected a career change or geographic move or promotion. Or maybe we’ve passed up get-togethers or renewing friendships. What is it that tells us to say no?

Looking back we may discover we’ve refused changes in our lives because we’d lose our security. We may have refused friendly offers because they meant sharing ourselves with others. We may find that all we could see were difficulties coming out of change and not any enjoyment.

Yet there are riches in every opportunity that comes our way. Our Higher Power doesn’t put anything in our path that won’t help us grow and learn. By seeing opportunities only as difficulties, we are stifling our enjoyment, growth and pleasure. If we learn to see more opportunities as great learning experiences, we may begin to say yes.

There will be opportunities that come my way. Help me learn to say yes to them.

---

Ahh I’m glad Brandon isn’t going to be reading this, because if he did, he would laugh and go “I TOLD YOU SO!!!” and I would get mad = p

I’ve been really pessimistic today, but I also haven’t really had any opportunities come by today. At least, not that I realized. But the part about turning things down, coming up with countless reasons not to do something? I did that today. I was in a bad mood and was feeling really down and Brandon kept suggesting things for me to do and I kept shooting them down. “Go see Jeanetta” “I can’t, she lives too far away” “Okay, then hang out with Emily” “I can’t. She’s in Olathe. She graduated today” (congratulations, btw!) “Okay, well go do something!” “There’s nothing to do!”

That was our conversation. I kept coming up with reasons why I couldn’t/wouldn’t do the things he was suggesting. Part of it was that I’m just flat-out exhausted and don’t really have the energy to do much of anything except sit here in bed and write this. But the other part of it was the pessimist in me. It was almost like I didn’t want to try anything that might make me feel better. It’s self-defeating, and I don’t know why I would do that, but that’s what it seems like. I need to stop being so pessimistic, but it’s darn hard when you’re depressed. I ended up getting some Yellow Sub/Planet Sub and came back to the house and am now sitting here on the computer, locked up in my room. Yeah, I could go out in the living room and socialize, but I just don’t have the energy. I’m physically drained, and I’m emotionally drained. I’ll start trying tomorrow, because it ain’t happening tonight. I know that’s pessimistic, but I’m just being truthful. I do need to be more optimistic, though. The world isn’t out to get me (at least I hope not!). Yes, I have been through some really sh**ty stuff, but so has everyone else, some more so than others. At the moment, things suck pretty hardcore. Having to deal with all this bulls**t with Clint really sucks. It REALLY sucks, but I have to deal with it. If I don’t deal with it, I’m letting myself become a victim, and when you’re a victim, you have no control over what happens. If I take charge of my situation, I put myself into the survivor role, and then I decide/control what happens. He had control over me for nine months, I’ll be d**ned if I let him have any more control over me. I’m not going to let myself fall into the victim category. Yes, I might technically be a victim, of domestic abuse, but that doesn’t mean I have to have the victim mentality. I can accept what happens, agree that it sucks, and do whatever I have to do to keep going and moving forward in my life. There’s a reason I got my “survivor” tattoo, and it isn’t because I’m in love with the show I am a survivor. Survivors are optimists. I need to start acting more like a survivor, because if I can do that, I will in turn be more optimistic.

Anyway, sorry if I’m rambling…it’s just been a long day and I have a lot of thoughts in my head. I have a whole lot more, but I think this is a good start. Plus, I’m really tired and tomorrow is going to be a long day. So with that, I’m gonna go to bed, but I hope everyone has had a good day and has a good day tomorrow.

<3

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Well, my ex has tried to make himself part of my life, yet again.

For those who don't know the story, I broke up with him in September 2009 (three days before what would've been our 6mo anniversary) after I found out he had tried to cheat on me with my ex-best friend (they had kissed once and I found messages where they were planning on having sex and what they were going to do to each other, etc.). The night I broke up with him, he threatened to kill me. I told him I'd call the cops if he tried anything, and he replied, "Down here, the cops don't take kindly to outsiders. People's bodies disappear and they're never found."

We tried to stay friends & he kept saying he wanted to try and get back together but he needed to get himself straight first. I made the mistake of having post-breakup sex a few times. Well, December 1 (I believe), he called me like four or five different times. I finally called him back and we talked. He was drunk (as usual). I don't even remember how it came up, but he told me that he was dating my ex-best friend and had been since about two weeks after I dumped him. I freaked out and started crying and my roommate grabbed the phone and told him to start acting like a mature 31-year-old and stop F***ing with people's hearts and minds. When I took the phone back, he went off on me and was like "that BI**H disrespected me, if she doesn't stop, I'm gonna come to Lawrence and kill you bitches" I told him I wasn't gonna let him talk to me like that, and when she heard me say that, she started to say something. He heard her and was like "Tell that BI**H to shut her c*cksucker or I'll hang up the phone and start driving up there right now". He then proceeded to explain in detail how he'd kill us. He made sure to tell us he might have a friend do it so that the cops wouldn't look at him. I told him never to talk to me again. Three days later I decided to file a police report.

A week later, he texted me saying he was sorry (although he never specified what he was sorry for). Then he sent me another text saying he'd pay me the $200 he owed me. I didn't respond. I filed another police report.

Two days later, he attempted to break into my apartment. At that point, I moved into the Domestic Violence shelter. I lived there for about a month because he kept attempting to break into my apartment. While I was there, with their help and support, I filed a Protection from Stalking Order. When the officers went to serve him, they arrested him on two outstanding DUI warrants, which was interesting. They didn’t have to arrest him on the warrants, only serve him the restraining order, and they were all drinking buddies with him, so I was REALLY surprised when they did arrest him. He ended up spending Christmas in jail, and during that time, he three-way called me to yell at me to try and get me to drop the restraining order. I filed yet another police report.

Anyway, it seemed like things were calming down and that he was going to leave me alone. Turns out it was just because he was in jail. But after he got out, he’s attempted to break into my apartment multiple times. I’ve filed multiple police reports.

Well, the other day, I went to check my e-mail and he had sent me an e-mail. He hadn’t written anything, just posted a link in it. I filed another a police report, and now I’m waiting to find out if they’re gonna press charges or not. I really want them to because I’m sick of his s**t and want him in jail. I’m just nervous that they won’t, since it wasn’t a very major offense. Even though the judge SPECIFICALLY said “no e-mail” Officer Barta (the RO, who happened to be my High School Resource Officer) told me that odds are they won’t press charges because it wasn’t a very major offense. He told me he agreed that he should be arrested because he did violate the PFS, but he told me that he just wanted to give me a heads-up so that I wouldn’t be upset if they don’t press charges.

Anyway...I don’t know, I guess I’m just ranting. If you guys could keep me in your thoughts, it’d be greatly appreciated. I’m going to contact the DA’s office and ask to speak with the prosecutor and talk to them and tell them I want to press charges and whatnot. But yeah…if you could just pray for me that this will all work out and he’ll stay the h*ll? out of my life once and for all, that’d be awesome.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Lots of love,

Missy <3

Tags: Stressed Stalker DUI Jail Police

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I am having really bad urges to SI right now. I've got less than 10 days of school left and am starting to get really stressed out with all the stuff I have to get done with finals. I still don't have anywhere to live once my lease is up at the end of the month, and I still have to pack up my apartment. I also am waiting to hear whether or not I got the job at the summer camp this summer. My friend keeps telling me that they're going to call me and that I have the job, they just have to contact me about getting some paperwork done, but they still haven't called...I'm just so stressed out and the only thing I want to do is SI. I know that even if it's only for a little while, I'll feel better. I'm afraid of relapsing.

I think the other part of it is that I've been in constant pain for the last four months. I am going to see a surgeon tomorrow about having a tube put in my right ear. There has been fluid in there since January and they've tried every medication under the sun to dry the fluid up, but it just won't dry up and I've been in constant pain because of it. My ENT finally didn't know what else to do, so he's sending me to see his old business partner, who is a surgeon (apparently my ENT doesn't do surgery). Hopefully the surgeon will agree to do the surgery to put a tube in my ear. If he doesn't, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm in so much pain, all the time...I woke up the other morning and literally was in tears my ear hurt so bad. I haven't been sleeping well because of the pain and that's not helping anything.

I just want to SI so badly...I know I need help, but I feel like going back to my therapist is like admitting defeat; admitting that I can't do it on my own. It's like knowing that I'll never be able to ride an adult bike, but instead have to ride a little kid's bike with training wheels for the rest of my life.

I don't know...I'm stressed out and I want to SI and I have no one here to stop me, I have no reason not to...so I can't figure out why I haven't yet. Not that it's a bad thing, but I'm just not sure why I haven't acted on my urges yet. I feel like SI-ing is the only thing that will calm me down enough to get me to where I can go to sleep...and lord knows I need it.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing well and has had a good day.

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To preface: I had to do a certification this weekend for my summer job, and I was really nervous because I had relapsed on my self-injury and was afraid I was going to again this weekend, especially since I had to bring my knife with me (I use it for everything -- cutting open boxes, cutting rope, etc.). I was also afraid of my new co-workers asking about my scars, since they are pretty obvious. So here's what I wrote today:

I just wanted to let everyone know that this weekend went really well. I didn't have any urges to SI and actually had a great time. I had to bring my tool (I needed it for cutting ropes, and stuff like that), but I didn't use it on myself. I also made the choice to bring something else I use to injure myself, and I gave them to my best friend so that I didn't have them anymore.

Overall, it was just great. I built up a lot of self-confidence, and I was able to do things I never thought I'd be able to do. I was the only girl at the training (it's for the Boy Scouts -- I'm working at their camp this summer), and I surprised not only myself, but all the guys, with my strength and determination. I think they had some pre-made misconceptions about me and my abilities, but I showed them and myself wrong. I guess I never realized how strong I am (both mentally and physically), and how much determination I have. In fact, the instructors pointed that out. For ex: I was having trouble with tying some knots that we had to learn, and once I finally got this one knot down, they were gonna mark it off the list, and I was told them no, that I wanted to tie it a few more times to make sure I had it down. It surprised them that I wanted to do that, instead of just being like, "oh okay, I'm done, mark it off".

All in all, I left this weekend feeling much more self-confident and realized that I am a lot more strong (as I said, physically and mentally) than I thought. I didn't have any urges to SI, I didn't use my tool in an inappropriate way, and I was able to give my best friend some tools that I *do* use to injure myself.

Also, as a side note: no one asked about my scars. That made me pretty happy.

So yeah...as of right now, I'm doing really good. I'm feeling really good about myself right now. Hopefully that feeling sticks around for a while.

Hope everyone is doing well, and thanks for all the suggestions on my last post!
Have a good day!

~MissyChevious

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