((COULD BE TRIGGERING) I haven't forgotten about MRS, just been super busy. Now that I'm at home sick with strep throat AND mono, I have lots of time to update all my stuff! I've currently quarantined myself and am eating egg drop soup and watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000: Future War and laughing my ass off.

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well, all things considered. Just enrolled in my classes for next semester. I'm taking five classes (but one of them is only worth one credit hour), including one at a local CC, which means I'll continue to have to commute two nights a week.

Got to vote in my first presidential election  =)  It was pretty cool that it was such a historic election (not to mention my candidate won)

Sobriety-wise, I'm doing well. January 18th I'm celebrating 2 years clean which is pretty exciting. I'm not having any urges to drink or use which make my life a little less stressful. Now I just wish I wasn't having the urges to cut. That would make things a whooooole lot easier.

That being said, I'm not doing so well with the cutting and the bipolar. The other day I cut pretty badly. Haven't cut that badly since I ended up at the state hospital for gashing my arm. And in fact, the police had gotten called for a welfare check (because I was having such a bad panic attack -- no one knew about the self-harming) but I concealed it from them and avoided going to the hospital. I'm looking into the possibility of going to SAFE Alternatives over the summer. Lord knows I need it.

With the bipolar...I don't know what we're going to do. I'm basically out of medications that I can (safely) take. The heart condition knocks out a lot of medication options. I'm still waiting to find out if ECT is an option. If it is, it may be the only choice left.

Umm, let's see what else is new. Oh! My friend might be moving in with me! If we do, we'd move into a 2b/2b at this brand-new complex that my management company just opened. It's super-nice and spacious and I'm pumped. It's not really if she moves in with me, it's when.

Anyway, that's about all I know, I'd love to hear from everyone, hear how you guys are doing!

Love y'all!
Caitie

5 comments View Entry

...I voted in my first presidential election today =) !!!!!

0 comments View Entry

Victory on Parity!
October 3, 2008

By a vote of 263-171, the House this afternoon gave final approval to the
Paul Wellstone-Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act
of 2008 as part of the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act (HR 1424). President Bush is expected to sign the legislation late today or early tomorrow.

A Triumph for Consumers and Families. This victory in the House ends a nearly 20 year effort to require group health plans to cover treatment for mental illness on the same terms and conditions as all other illnesses. NAMI is extremely grateful for the tireless work of advocates from all over the nation that contacted their Senators and House members to push for this landmark legislation. The advocacy voice of people living with mental illness and their families made a tremendous difference in securing this long sought victory. NAMI also salutes the leadership of the sponsors of parity in Congress including Senators Pete Domenici (R-NM), Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA), Mike Enzi (R-WY) and Christopher Dodd (D-CT) and Representatives Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) and Jim Ramstad (R-MN). Today NAMI also remembers the contributions of the late Senator Paul Wellstone (D-MN) in bringing parity forward. After nearly 20 years, their efforts have resulted in mental illness treatment no longer being subject to 2nd class status in our health care system.

What Happens Next?
President Bush is expected to sign HR 1424 very quickly in order to restore confidence in sagging credit markets. The parity law becomes effective 1-year after enactment of the bill. This will mean that group health plans will no longer be able to impose limits on inpatient days or outpatient visits or require higher deductibles or cost sharing for mental illness or addiction treatment that are not also applied to all other medical-surgical coverage.
There is a special effective date rule for collective bargaining agreements that would delay imposition of the parity requirements until the next
collective bargaining contract goes into effect. The law requires that the Departments of Labor, Health and Human Services and Treasury issue
regulations within 1 year, although failure to issue such regulations will not delay the effective date of parity. In the coming weeks, NAMI will be developing educational materials and guidelines on how parity will impact insurance coverage for consumers and families. For now, NAMI advocates can celebrate a landmark achievement!

2 comments View Entry

So...the month of September continues to get better (note the sarcasm). Found out last night that one of my best friends is in the ICU. Lately, she's been depressed and suicidal; so suicidal infact that she spent the night with me because she didn't trust herself to be alone. She told us that she was seeing her doctor in a few days, and that if her doctor knew how she really felt, he'd send her to the hospital. That night, she asked my opinion of which psych hospitals in the area are good (I used to be the frequent flyer out of the group haha). I suggested a few and told her that if she needed someone to take her or whatever, that I'd do it. The hospital that she works at has a psych unit, and that was the psych hospital she used to go to, so she obviously can't go there anymore.

Anyway, after she went home, she lost her cellphone for a day or two. We all freaked out, but she called us once she found it and told us she was okay. I talked to her that night and she was talking about how glad she was that she had gotten her job and how much she loved it, even though it stressed her out sometimes. I didn't talk to her after that, but she hung out with some of our friends on Thursday and they said she was doing great. Thursday afternoon she was supposed to hang out with her sister, and with her brother on Friday.

As of Thursday evening, no one could get ahold of her. She never showed to hang out with her brother, she didn't show up to work, etc. We all began to freak out. We were trying to figure out what to do, and were considering calling the police if we couldn't get ahold of her by the next evening. I had called her multiple times, and the last text message I sent her said: "Melissa, what's going on, I'm really worried about you. I hope nothing happened to you, I'd be devestated, you're one of my closest friends & I worry about you"

I got a call about 8:30 last night by a friend of ours, and she told me that Melissa attempted suicide and someone finally found her around 2am Sunday morning and is in the ICU. Her dad didn't tell us what hospital, who found her, or the circumstances surrounding her attempt. He didn't tell us what condition she's in either. The scary thing is that Melissa has done this before and spent a month and a half in the ICU.

I guess I'm just really struggling. I feel absolutley helpless, which I guess I am. I know that I couldn't have done anything to stop her, and that there's nothing I can do, but it's a horrible feeling. I am so scared that she's going to die. I know that when people die, everyone talks about what a great person they are and all that, but Melissa is truly a rare breed. She is by far the most amazing person I know, and I don't think I can say that I know anyone as caring, compassionate and understanding as her. She goes out of her way to help those in need and those that are hurting, which is probably why she's a nurse. She wants to take their pain away, and I don't think that she realized how much she's hurting all of her friends and family by doing this.

If you guys could keep Melissa, her family, and all of us in your prayers, it would mean a lot to me. The selfish part of me doesn't want to lose one of my best friends, but the un-selfish part of me doesn't want the world to lose such an amazing women, someone that is so full of potential. This girl truly make the world a better place and we need more people like her.

---

Anyway, I'm stuck on my Fourth Step, and I've come to a realization as to why. Yes, it's bringing up some really painful memories, but it goes beyond that. I have come to realize just how resentful I am. I could write a novel of how many resentments I have and how quickly one resentment spirals into another, and then it snowballs from there.

For example: I was driving home earlier and I was sitting at a stoplight behind a car that had a sorority sticker on it. AGD (Alpha Gamma Delta) was one of my three houses on bid night. I loved AGD but decided not to live there because of their living situation. They were renting a frat house (The frat had gotten kicked off campus for a hazing situation where a kid ended up nearly dying) and I knew that they were pretty broke and that the next school year, they'd be living in a local apartment complex. I wanted the "full" Greek experience, so I went with my second pick, ADPi (Alpha Delta Pi). Basically, ADPi f**ked me over and stabbed me in the back when I needed them most.

This spiraled into my suicide attempt, which spiraled into my psychiatrist prescribing me Cymbalta (my medical history attests to the fact that I should have never been on an anti-depressant), which lead to me trying to check myself into the hospital and him refusing to admit me after which I left and he then claimed I left AMA, dumped me as a patient, and convinced the hospital to never admit me again. Now, I have no psych hospital that I can go to because I've been to all the others, and they're all a joke, and this is just one example.

I've come to realize how full of resentment and absolute anger I am, and how badly it's effecting me. I have never in my life been this resentfull of anything or anyone, and I don't even know what to do. I can't even get through my 4th step because the resentments lead me to bad depression and anger.

Any advice? Anyone? I could really use it right now.

Anyway, I hope you guys are doing okay.

~Caitie

Tags: Scared Helpless Angry Sick Tired Anxious

2 comments View Entry

It's been two years since I lost my Great-Grandma Arlee, and it hurts just as much as it did two years ago. I was her first great-grandchild and her living namesake (Caitlin Arlee). I was special because of that.

A lot of people never had a great-grandparent, but I did, and she meant so much to me. She helped raise me, and she was always an active part of my life. She was the most generous, giving, caring person that I knew. I looked up to her, I wanted (and still do) to have the wonderful qualities that she had.

The pain of losing her is still raw, even two years later. Still, I'm finding it easier and easier to look back on the memories and smile instead of cry. She was an amazing woman and I want to live my life in a way that would make her proud. She was my great-grandma, but she was so much more than that to me. She was so special to me. I just thank god that she saw me graduate high school, she saw me start college, and she saw me join a sorority (dear lord, don't get me started on that one...).

I got a tattoo for her. She loved margaritas, so any time we would go out to eat, she'd always get her margarita. It's green for margaritas and the three bubbles symbolize two things: mother-grandmother-great grandmother and it's also to symbolize that it's a margarita (bubbles = alcohol).

Anyway, this song always makes me think of her.



"To Where You Are" -- Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

I love you grandma. I hope I'm making you proud ♥

RIP Great-Grandma Arlee -- 4/27/1921 ~ 9/25/2006

 "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal." -- Old Irish Proverb

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." -- Charles Beard

Tags: Sad Depressed Reminiscing Lonely Tearful

4 comments View Entry

Yeah, the title says it all...I'm not doing too well.

I've been sruggling lately. I've been having really intense urges to drink and self-harm. The odd thing is that I've never really been a drinker. The times I did drink was when I wanted to make everything go away.

I haven't been going to NA (go a few posts back and you'll understand why), but I have been going to AA on and off. I just don't know what to do. I've had more than a few nights where I've been in my apartment with a pack of razorblades sitting in front of me, fighting the urge to cut, or to go numb myself with a bottle of vodka. Thank god I flushed all my extra prescription pills last week. Thing is, I'm not suicidal, it was just more of a comfort thing. The knowledge that if something came up, I had them there...the one I had the most trouble with was the expired bottle of liquid lithium. You overdose on lithium, the odds are high that you will die. Especially if it's expired.

Anyway, I'm rambling...I just don't know what to do. It seems like everything is slowly falling apart. For instance, I've been trying to really figure out things with my higher power. It seems like every time I put the effort into working on it, it comes back and bites me in the ass. At this point, I'm ready to say forget it and give up.

Anyway, I'm getting more and more depressed sitting here writing about this, so I'm gonna go...if anyone has any useful advice for me, I could sure use it...I'm hurting pretty bad right now.

~Caitie

3 comments View Entry

Seven years...seven years ago. Seven years ago today I lost my best friend.

Today, it seems so long ago, and it was, but it seems much longer than seven years.

I can still see her bright smile, remember her laugh, how full of energy she was, how full of life she was.
I remember how much she loved animals, and how she was nice to everyone, regardless of whether or not she liked them.

I can remember the last time I spent with her, the last words I said to her.
I had spent the night with her. We all went to some fair type of event at a lake nearby. There were hot air balloons. I remember her dad teasing us because Cassie, Crystal and I were all cheerleaders.
I remember falling asleep on the couch watching movies.
I remember the next morning, waking up to the TV. I told her I was going to go see the goats, but somehow ended up by the horse pasture, just watching Duchess and Princess as the sun started to rise. I was so focused on them that I didn't notice her sneaking up on me. She jumped on my back, scaring the holy hell out of me.
"Somehow, I knew I'd find you here," she told me.

I remember how Duchess wouldn't let me ride her, that she was a one-person horse, and her one person was Cassie. I tried to ride Duchess, but Duchess didn't much like that, and she tried to buck me off. I was spooked and didn't want to get back on, but Cassie made me. She told me that I needed to get back up and try it again.
I remember going to play in the barn. The two of us riding Duchess down the road to see their cows.
I remember laying on the trampoline eating sandwiches (PB&J, Tuna) and staring up into the sky, trying to see shapes in the clouds. Cassie joking that it was a shame that I hadn't brought a swimsuit, because we could have gone swimming. That I could use one of Crystal's, only I'd have to stuff it =]
I remember leaving to go home. The dogs chasing us down the driveway, Mom having to go super slow to make sure that none of them darted out in front of the car.
I remember the last thing I told her.
"I love you Cassie, I'll call you soon!"
Only...I never got the chance.

Looking back on that next week is like looking at a blurry photograph. I vaguely remember the details, but it's hard to pin-point them exactly.
I remember calling the hospital every single day, trying to find out how she was doing.

I remember getting the news.
It was an early-release day (probably Wednesday), a beautiful afternoon.
My friend Brittany had invited me to spend the afternoon with her.
I came running out to the car to ask mom.
Immediately, I knew something was wrong.
She told me and it was like time came to a screeching halt.
Everything slammed to a stop.
And then everything came crashing down around me.

She took me to my grandma's house.
I remember running across the lawn to her house, sobbing.
She just stood there, holding me.

That night, my grandparents took me to Stone Creek for dinner.
I didn't want to go, but they wanted to get me out of the house for a while.
I remember that Stone Creek had just opened, and for some reason, there was a guy making balloon animals.
He asked if I wanted him to make me something and I said no but my grandma told him what happened. He made me two bears holding hands by a palm tree. I don't know where he came up with the idea, but it was cute.

I came home, and on the kitchen counter was a picture in a frame.
It was from my birthday.
Cassie, Katie, Amanda and I had gone tubing on Clinton Lake. Cassie and I had just gotten done tubing and while we were still in the tube, Mark snapped the picture.
It's a beautiful picture. The sky is the gorgeous hot-pink/orange color and the lake is calm behind us.
I walk into the kitchen, and that picture is in a frame. The frame says "Best Friends".
It was more than I could handle. I couldn't look at that picture for a long time. I had to put it face down, or facing the wall.

Nowadays, it's sitting on my dresser, directly across from my bed.
Nowadays, I can look at it and smile. I can remember the happy memories.
The memories still hurt, but the pain isn't nearly as raw.
I still think about her a lot.
I wonder what she'd be like today. Where she'd be going to school, what she'd be majoring in, all of that kind of stuff. I wonder what she would end up doing with her life, who she'd marry.
She'd more than likely be helping people. Probably doing some type of work with animals (mainly horses).
Regardless of what she was doing, she'd be making an impact on the world. Even at 13, she had major potential. She was an amazing person.

I sometimes wonder if my life would be different today if she was still here. If we would have stayed friends, or if our lives would have lead us down separate paths. I'd like to think that we'd still be close friends like we were when we were 13. I'd like to think that I am living my life in a way that would make her proud. I'd like to think that I try to have the qualities she had: Loving, compassionate, caring, driven, determined, empathetic.


Seven years and a lot has changed, but in my mind, she hasn't. I can still see her like I did when we were 13. Makes me think of a picture of her that I have at home. It was from a camp out. It was pouring rain and the weather was absolutely miserable, but Cassie was standing there grinning ear to ear, a big baggy DARE shirt on, her beanie half-off her head. Didn't matter how much a situation sucked, she could still smile and make the best of it. That's part of why I loved her.

So Cowgirl...this is for you. I love you, I miss you and I hope that you know how much you meant to me. I hope that some day, I'll see you again....


Old Irish Proverb: "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------

"I Hope You Dance" by Leann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"To Where You Are" by Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above?

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen?

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Tags: Pondering Thoughtful Reminiscing

6 comments View Entry

Take a moment today to remember. Remember those who died in the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and in Shankesville, Pennsylvania. Remember the heroes on American Airlines flights 11, 175, 77 and 93 who fought their hijackers to try and save our country. The NYPD Fire Fighters, Policemen and other rescuers who lost their lives trying to save victims trapped in the buildings. Remember our heros in Iraq, especially the ones that have come home draped in a flag. Take a minute to pray for everyone touched by this horrible, life-altering event. Everyone who lost a mother, a cousin, a daughter, an uncle, a father. Those who lost their best friend or high school sweetheart.

102 minutes that changed our world.

8:46 a.m. - American Flight 11 from Boston crashes into the North
Tower at the World Trade Center.

9:03 a.m. - United Flight 175 from Boston crashes into the South
Tower at the World Trade Center.

9:45 a.m. - American Flight 77 crashes into The Pentagon.

10:05 a.m. - The South Tower at the World Trade Center collapses.

10:10 a.m. - A large section of one side of The Pentagon collapses.

10:10 a.m. - United Flight 93 crashes in a wooded area in
Shankesville, Pennsylvania, after passengers confront hijackers.

10:28 a.m. - The North Tower at the World Trade Center collapses.

Democrat or republican, rich or poor, black or white, for or against the war, it doesn't matter. We need to put aside our differences and pull together as a country. 

I know that each and every one of us remembers where we were when we heard that the first tower had been hit. We probably remember huddling around TVs, trying to figure out what was happening to our country, amid the chaos. The fear of the unknown, of not being sure what was going to happen next, if it wasn't over yet. We must never forget those who died seven years ago today. A new generation of kids are coming into this world that will not have first-hand memories of 9-11.

I want to close this with the Irish proverb that mayor Bloomberg quoted in his dedication today at Ground Zero: "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal."

2,974. Never let them be forgotten.

2 comments View Entry

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about my ex-fiancee.

We met in a psych hospital, but that relationship was doomed from the start. I was an emotional wreck and he had come into recovery for an addiction to alcohol and crack cocaine.

At first, we thought that we could support each other in our recovery, but in the end, all we did was drag each other down further and further.

But in all honesty, I still love him, I just couldn't put up with the bulls**t anymore. The lying, the relapsing, the deciet. I was still going through a lot emotionally and he was just making it worse.

I just hate it when people tell me "Oh, you're young, it wasn't real" because damnit, it was. He was the first person I'd ever met that I fet comfortable with the first time we talked. I could be around him and feel completly at ease, I didn't feel self-conscious and I really could see myself spending the rest of my life with him (and I planned to after he asked me to marry him). He was the first man that I had been with that didn't start to piss me off after about a month of dating. His family was like my family and it was just so intense and real.

But when he started to continually relapse, everything started to change. That's when the lying started. The deception. I'm 99% sure that he cheated on me with his ex. It got to the point that I couldn't trust him, that half of the things that came out of his mouth I wasn't sure if I could believe because he had lied so much. And it was stupid sh*t too. One night we were talking and he claimed he was in bed but then out of nowhere I here "what the F**k, you almost cut me off!". Even after that, he kept trying to lie to me. Finally he claimed that he was just going out to get some smokes, but it just seemed so stupid that I couldn't believe it. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that he was either going to smoke crack with Adrian or was going to cheat on me.

For a while, I forgot about him. I didn't care because I felt that he didn't deserve me after everything he put me through. But now, everything reminds me of him. I walk past a guy on campus that wears the same Axe that he did and I just want to break down. Someone will be smoking the same smokes that he did and it breaks my heart. I walk out of class into the chilly afternoon and it reminds me of the cold weekend winters I spent with him in Columbia.

Even right now, I'm breaking down and crying. I loved him so much, but I couldn't bear the pain he was putting me through. I was emotionally fragile and he was making it worse. I understand that in recovery, relapse happens very frequently, but damnit I loved him. I hate that I lost him and I hate that I chose to lose him, that I was the one who broke it off.

If I had the chance today, I would give him another chance. Against my best judgement, I would, regardless of all the pain he put me through. That's how much I loved him...

I have the song "Walk You Home" by Karmina on repeat. I'm sitting here crying so much that I can barely see the computer screen, hating myself for letting him go...

Even after two years, I feel like I'll never love someone as much as I loved him. It was that deep, passionate love that tore me apart when I lost it. It hurts even more when I'm told "well, you're young, you'll find someone else." Damnit, I don't want someone else...I want him. Even after everything, I still want him back...




"Walk You Home" by Karmina

Slow down, what's on your mind
It's alright, I'm on your side
I hate to see your injury, I wish that you could transfer all
your pain to me
Stay here, it's ok to cry
Let me, help you make it right
Let's turn up our radio, let the bands remind you that you're not
alone
We all get low

Chorus
Even the brave may depend on someone
The moon only shines with the help of the sun
It's not as safe when you're walking alone
I'll walk you home

Sun's out, but it feels like rain
So I will, illuminate your day
I'm afraid I'm losing it, what's it gonna take for me to get
through this?
We'll get through this

Chorus

Bridge
Need the band to play the song
Someone's trying to keep you strong
It's harder when your on your own
Success is not the same alone
Can't have up without a down
Need the straight to have the round
I'll provide the harmony
Your song is best accompanied

Tags: Sad Depressed Reminiscing Lonely

1 comments View Entry