Viewing 1 - 9 out of 40 Blogs.

Page:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Next >  Last >>

I wasn't going to say anything about this for a little while longer, but today is my fourth day without bingeing and purging. It's been a little hard, but mostly, I just can't believe I didn't make a solid effort like this sooner. I know that, in the past and even now to some extent, I've been really afraid of living without my disorder,  but even just four days in, I'm more afraid of going back to it. These past few days, I've noticed my happiness level rising and my relationship with my boyfriend has been GREAT compared to what it was a month ago. I know that I'm probably just excited and that the real issues haven't been fully addressed and that's when the hard part starts. I also know that I'll probably not always succeed every day, but now that I've had a small taste of what it's like to try to be happy, I think that even when I fall, I'll have an actualto get back up...it's better this way.

I guess for as long as I can remember, I've cared what other people thought of me. When people called me ugly, I got contacts and makeup, when people called me fat, I developed an eating disorder. Anything to please everyone...or at least make them leave me alone. As I've been trying and trying (unsuccessfully) to recover from my bulimia, I've been trying to teach myself to say "Whether they like it or not, this is who I am." Today, though, I had a different thought. All throughout these years, I can pinpoint every mean thing that someone has said to me...and they all stick with me. However, the one person who's been meanest of all is me. I can blame my eating disorder on so many different people and events, but the truth is, if I didn't already believe these things about myself, it wouldn't matter what anyone else said. So, today, as I was driving home from work, thinking about food and weight and stuff, all of a sudden, I thought "Whether I like it or not, this is who I am." I am stuck with me, and I am going to have to live with that before I can ever hope to get any better.

Seriously. Everytime I try something to better myself, I end up giving up...or doing a half-assed job. I'm going to an anad meeting tonight, but I haven't been in two weeks. Why?? because they interfere with my "schedule" I'm worried that if I don't see my boyfriend for a few days, he'll dump me. If I don't send enough time at home with Mom and Dad, they'll be mad at me. It doesn't really occur to me that maybe what's harming my relationships most is my debilitating addiction. Well, I guess it does cross my mind, but not for long enough to make an impact. They are REALLY helpful meetings and I love going and getting support from people in person who are just like me. I just hope I can keep myself going every week.

Anyway, sorry about the rant. ummmm, the self esteem book says that it's important to remember that I'm not the onoly one who has a problem. That other people, prbably most everyone I know, has a problem that is at least slightly similar to mine. So, I had to make a list of ten people I know and write about what I htink their problems could be. It really helped, actually, to think of people who I assume are living much richer lives tan me, are probably struggling in some way or another.

Well, I don't really have anything else to say.

I just want to start this one, as usual, by telling everyone who reads this how genuinly grateful I am for you.

Today's chapter was about bravery. Bravery is something I always wished I had, but never did. I guess people who become victims of addictions generally have a hard time facing their fears.  The book talked about how recovery requires me to face things that are unpleasant, and that hurt. I need to understand that it will be frightening, but I'll work through it anyway. The questions today were

1.) List three times in your life that you were brave. How did it feel?

-One time in High school, I overheard some guy telling his friend that one of my friends was a "slut." He didn't even know her and, even though speaking up was very out of character for me, I was so angry that I firmly told him to get his stories straight about people and not be so ignorant. I remember feeling very proud of myself for that.

-I was in a play last year that required me to wear an outfit I normally would NEVER wear because I was sure I looked HUGE in it. Somehow, though, the play was more important than my insecurities and I was able to go out on stage night after night, imagining everyone thinking I was too fat to be an actor, but just doing it anyway. I know that sounds really stupid, but it was terrifying for me. It felt nice, though, to conquer my fears.

-When I went to my first anad meeting. I was so scared because I had this idea that I would be the fattest one there, or that I'd get there and realize that I was hopeless. I was so glad too have gone, though, because most of the people there are just like me.

(wow, looking at those now, I feel kinda stupid. I really have not done very many courageous things in my life. I guess it's time to start.)

2.) List your fears about recovery
-I'll be overweight again
-I'll be way too emotional all the time
-I'll have no excuse for being so weird
-I'll feel even more insecure all the time
-I won't succeed.

THanks so much to everyone for your feedback on my last blog. It really means a lot.

The chater I just read talked all abut how there's a reason for you having whatever problem you have. It has served you in some way and has been your friend and coping mechanism. It talks about how it's important to identify the good things your problem has done, so you can find new ways of doing those same things.

1. How has your problem served you?
It numbs out the emotions that I have such a hard time dealing with. It makes me feel like I'm working towards SOMETHING (being thin) when, most of the time, I feel like my life is a waste. It takes my mind off of other worries I have and puts them all in one place. Most obviously, and hardest to forget, though, my bulimia has helped me lose weight. I was always overweight and unhappy. I always believed that I was unhappy BECAUSE I was overweight. Now that I realise there are many reasons why one might be unhappy, I can't imagine having the burden of being overweight back in my life.  Being bulimic has fixed the one thing that I always thought would make my life better. Now, beleive me, I'm not blind to the irony that bulimia has messed up my life worse than it's ever been and I'm far more depressed than I was when I was overweight. It's just hard to give up something that HAS followed through in the way you hoped it would, even when it comes with a lot of extra crap. However, I know that my life will never be a happy one until I get my eating disorder out of it. So, I'm going to HAVE to get over the idea that skinny=happy.

2.What painful feelings does your problem replace.
Sadness, anger, stress, disappointment. These are things I am so afraid of dealing with, I would spend hours eating and bent overa toilet just to rid myself of them. I think that even if bulimia didn't help me lose wieght, I'd still be addicted to it, simply because of it's numbing aspect.

Well, I guess now that I've put all that out there, maybe next time I feel like bingeing and purging, I can choose to feel intead. Well, at the very least, I can try.

Yesterday, I got a book on improving self-esteem. Usually, I think self-help books are stupid, but since I'm running out of options and my LACK of self-esteem is eating me and my relationships alive, I figured I'd give it a try. It has a bunch of "assignments" in it, and I thought, rather than write them in a journal that I'd probably get embarrassed about and throw away, I'd write them on here.  I don't know. I hope it helps anyway, the first one is just all about identifying your problem, so you can seperate yourself from it. Here are the questions:

1. What's your problem?
Bulimia, anorexic tendencies, self-hatred.

2. What makes it a problem?
It is physically damaging and it a terrible emotional burden.

3. How long has it been a problem?
Been purging for 3 years, bingeing as long as I can remember.

4. What happened to you around the time it started?
I started compulsively overeating when I was a small child, nothing traumatic happened, I've just always had a hard time coping with emotions.

5. How much time do you spend on it?
I spend several hours a day bingeing and purging. My whole life is spent hating my self.

6. Does anyone else know about it?
A few people. I told a couple of trust-worthy people and a few people figured it out on their own.

7.How does it feel in your Body, Mind and Heart?
BODY-Feels like I'm sick all the time. Dehydrated and hungry. I feel tired constantly. I get aches and pains that a 22 year old should not have. My mouth hurts. My teeth are yellow. My skin is dry. I get headaches that last for Days. I have frequent chest pains and haven't had a good nights sleep since this whole thing started.

MIND-I never anticipated the effects it would have on my mind. I can't concentrate on anything. My motor skills have been effected. I feel depressed a lot. I think about very little other than this disorder and my appearance. I overanalyze and worry in ways that I never did before the purging started.  I hoestly feel that I have hindered my brains ability to learn the way it once did.

HEART-My heart is where it hurts the most. I am sad most of the time. I am selfish and think mostly of myself. I am never fullfilled, because I'm never thin enough. I am irresponsible and feel guilty every waking moment. I am choosing to be sick rather than live up to my life's potential. Lately I've been thinking about all the ways my life could be different if I wan't bulimic and I just started crying and crying. I NEVER thought an eating disorder could do this much damage. I'm not even close to being the type of person I wanted to grow up to be. I can't believe I let it go this far.   I choose to binge and purge instead of do things I actually enjoy. (I guess it isn't really a choice anymore)

Well, I drank again last night....which really sucks because I hate myself when I'm drunk. (even more than I do on a daily basis ) and not only that, but I drove.....which is really really shocking considering a very close friend of mine died  that way exactly one year ago. I know now that I need to get a handle on this quick. I know all too well what happens to an addiction when you leave it alone. I can't let this get as out of hand as my eating disorder has....However, I have found that when I make resolutions like this...I always end up breaking them. The only real change that has ever come about in my life has always happened completely randomly. Maybe this will be different. I'm going to try. I also thought that today, while sitting at my heinously boring job, I would think really hard about what a "good" day would be for me and write it out from morning until night. Everything I eat, do, and how much I sleep. Not like "the perfect" day, just a day I could be happy with. A day I won't regret. That way, I could keep that with me and maybe if I remind myself every so often that it is totally possible for me to have a good day, I might try really hard to have one. Who knows? All I can do is give it a shot.

I was also wondering how YOU guys feel about resolutions to change? Have they ever worked for you or do they tend to get broken? Just curious.

I am slowly (and drunkenly) realising that I am not just a bulimic. For too long, I thought that if I could just stop throwing up, I'd be fine, but that is NOT the case.For as long as I can remember, I have used food as a crutch, then weight loss, alcohol, and a short stint with narcotics. I am ashamed to say that I am drunk right now....(so I'll keep this short.) I need to figure out why I need to rely on behaviors as opposed to myself. Why am I not good enough?? I think I have to figure this out before I can ever hope to get any better. ................

This Tuesday, I mustered all my inner strength and went to a group meeting for people with Eating disorders. As some of you may remember, I went to two OA meetings in the past that didn't really work out for me. This meeting, however, was wonderful. I've never been able to share feelings and struggles with ANYONE else who has the same problem as me, let alone, 15 other people! Our group leader was a student who is studying to be a pshychotherapist and she was so kind and warm and helpful. The atmosphere was not weird or competitive...these were just a bunch of people, sick on some level or another, who really want to get better. I felt so good after the meeting that I can't wait to go again next Tuesday. Unfortunately, my  eating disorder behavior is continuing in a really bad way. I always seem to be on one end of the spectrum or the other, starving, or stuffing myself. Lately, it's been starving.....and I can't seem to stop. I've only been restricting heavily for about a week, because I was coming off of a two-week binge, but now I'm so addicted to restricting again. I can't believe how fast these transissions are. At the beginning of the week, I binged and purged, and somehow managed to not eat or drink ANYTHING the rest of the day....and that's all it took. One day and I'm back in the pits of hell again. I've been eating about 400 calories a day and today I starved myself all day because my mom was taking me to my favorite restaraunt. Since it's an all vegan, all organic restaurant (in my heart, and on my better days, I'm a vegan and animal rights activist.) and I only go there about 3 times a year, I really wanted to eat my heart out, so to speak. So, all day long I starved. (keep in mind, I work in a chocolate store) When we got to the restaurant I ate everything I wanted...it was pretty much a binge. When we got home, EVEN THOUGH I'd been starving myself all week in preparation for this event, I still couldn't relax..I went to the gym and ran 5 miles on the cross-training machine. I never EVER thought I'd become addicted to excercising. All throughout my school years, I was always the chubby girl who faked sick on the day we had to run the mile in gym class. But now here I am, going to the gym late at night, early in the morning, sometimes twice a day....working out until I feel physically sick. I know, though, tat until I get some professionaly therapy and regular counseling, any weight loss I achieve during these starvation periods will be short-lived. I've been bulimic for long enough to know that it's only a matter of time before I'm at the grocery store, buying food that nobody should be cramming into their bodies. Before I'm totally broke from bying binge food. Before I'm making up excuses to not call my friends or hang out with anyone because I'll want to be alone and binge. I know that this isn't a real way to lose weight. Why, then, can't I just STOP???? 

Page:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Next >  Last >>