43 months sober. and still acting like an alcoholic. acting? c'mon, it's who i am. haven't been living an honest life. moved myself out of my house last night. been complaining about my spouse for years, dealing with issues that seem to never go away. used to drink over it, now...they're still there. but how much is me? her?

odd, while living with her, i would never be fully honest about things...my dealings, whereabouts, purchases made on the sly. such bullsh*t. living in denial about my own dishonesty. yesterday's exit was made quickly while she was at work. left a letter. coward. i can't stand myself right now. but find myself missing her. not wanting this to be final. but....i've been planning this for so long. i'm conflicted. feeling powerless on some levels. 

it's only the first day. it feels just like the first day of sobriety. messed up. confused. not knowing if it will get better. can i start to be honest again? what about amends? "unless to do so would be harmful" echoes through my mind.

i may never be forgiven for this. can i handle it? the fact that this is all self-inflicted pain makes me feel even more ashamed and guilt-ridden. just like my drinking days.

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Isn't it enough to just not drink? What's wrong with simply not drinking?

Why the sponsor, why the 90-in-90, why the phone calls, the text messages, the emails? What's the big deal? Why so much "concern?" Why so serious, people? It gets depressing.

What ever happened to just keeping it simple - don't drink.

I've been doing a lot of self-assessment, and yes, getting a bit judgemental (emphasis on mental) about what I perceive as "outside" influences. Currently in the 4th step, I'm starting to get perturbed thinking about what others' expectations might be of me....specifically my sponsor. I haven't seen him for 3 weeks or so...we're both very busy professionally and finding the time has been a challenge.

That said, I've been rather put off by the cautionary tone of his voice in admonishing me to do 90 meetings in 90 days, don't jump around the steps (another caution from my sponsor) - after sharing a wonderful dinner with my 2 adult daughters, letting them know I take full responsibility for the break up of the marriage with their mother due to my alcoholism. (The timing was simply perfect - steps be damned). It was a wonderful conversation and I don't regret having it. It was a wonderful moment in time.

I've been involved in my music, attending rehearsals rather than going to meetings, and guess what....music is cathartic for me. IT WORKS! When I put the horn to my lips, I'm not putting a beer bottle to them. What's not to like.

I don't know what people expect others to do. They SAY you should do what works for you, yet human nature tends to bring out the judge in people; like you're not doing it "right", you're taking too long with your steps,  I've heard comments (more than once) from the likes of my sponsor that I'm the type of person who's "high risk" at failure....smart, good looking, well off. Hmmmmm......what's up with THAT?

I'm frustrated (and must confess, a little angry) that I'm about 3 weeks away from my first year, and now I feel I don't want a sponsor, nor go to meetings. I just want to be. Just be me.

I'm satisfied with the way things are going personally and professionally for me. I'm accomplishing things with my life. I'm currently "on my game." And I don't want to drink.

I like simple.

Is that so wrong?

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Today is 11 months. Next month will make 1 year of sobriety. I thought to myself, "I'm almost there." Then realized, "there" keeps moving forward with each passing day. Do we ever get "there" or is it just an endless journey...one step at a time, one day at a time?

I heard a man refer to himself as a "recovered" alcoholic. How nice to be able to say that.

Peace

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Wish, Hope, Faith. 

I've been researching and studying these words/terms this past week. Life is a struggle that never lets up. No matter what your circumstances, life is the never-ending climb. 

How does one keep going? Is there ever a top, or end to the climb? What about peaks and valleys? How does one manage the lows, as well as the highs? They're all there. The key is to keep moving. As the old saying goes, "The journey to the top of the mountain begins with the first step."

And so I am brought to the three terms above.

I have learned to wish for nothing. It's pointless. By definition, wish means "to feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen." The second part makes sense. That's reality. So stop wishing for something because that indicates passive waiting, taking no action, not being proactive with one's life. But there's a clue in that definition, and that is the word 'hope' in the first part of the definition; "...hope for something..."

There's a lot of talk these days about having hope -  in meetings, in the Big Book, The Twelve Steps, in D.C. - coping through hope, hope for us all, have hope, hope can bring change, etc., etc., blahblahblah. 

So, I look up the word hope. Hope means "a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen" and also "grounds for believing that something good may happen." NOW we're getting somewhere.

Utilizing hope as one of the tools in my arsenal, I now have a reason to believe that good things will happen. If I keep moving in the good direction I am moving, remaining sober, true to my self and my cause, I can expect my life to improve, my circumstances to continually grow in a postive way, for my efforts at attempting something new and  good to succeed.

Wow. Such relief in those thoughts. Gives one hope, doesn't it? It's all gonna be OK. Just remember, one day at a time. One step at a time on the journey.

Which brings us to Faith. Faith is a "complete trust or confidence in someone or something," also a "strong belief in G-d or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof." Additionally, faith is "a strongly held belief or theory."

This program, these rooms, these steps, all help to build one's faith. Faith in self and success is an awesome force. Impossible to thwart. Having faith will enable you to overcome any obstacle, meet any challenge, succeed in all your efforts. True, you may not get to where you want to be when you think you should be there. Just always remember to keep the faith. Never lose hope. You will arrive.

Here's a thought for the day....What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

And so my friends, have hope, develop faith. An unwavering strength will grow within you. Miracles will truly happen. You are witnessing one right now, as you read these words.

Peace.

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I just had my 7-month anniversary of no drinking. It's been a great 7 months with incredible strides of progress.....weight loss, regular trips to the gym, creative musical expression, promotions at work. I'm fortunate in that I never really hit a rock bottom. I'm what's known as a "high bottom" - a highly functioning alcoholic. Worked for many years (hard) to keep things under control. (yeah, right) We know how THAT works out in the end!

But dreams are their own world, and one can't really take control over them. Last night I dreamt I found a stash of pharmaceutical grade heroin....weird. It was bubble packeted in cardboard sleeves, like samples you get from your doctor. Now, I've never even tried a drug of that magnitude, but I can recall the feeling of exhilaration and surprise, a real temptation to try the drugs. Because, after all, they WERE pharmaceutical and legal samples, right?

I wonder what's really going on inside my head. I have no urge to drink.

It's a good day.

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