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Guess it has been a while since I have written.
Not sure if I can say I am good, or better- suppose I am.
I am not taking my meds, I should - it costs so much...and as any compulsive spender can tell you, money is hard to come by when you have recently had a manic episode.
It's hard to have all these issues in your head...compulsive spending, depression, hoarding (my newest addition), sexual issues...the list goes on and on for me. The hard part is....if someone else is not going through it, or is not familiar atleast, it is really hard to talk about. And really hard for them to understand, because with mental illness- you cannot see it...and you cannot always see it's result. Everyone hides their issues to the majority of the world, atleast until it explodes in their face. My alcoholic father's mountain of beer cans in his room is a prime example. And although if anyone were to ever SEE the result of my hoarding, they would probably think I was lazy- my other issues are harder to see. You cannot see when I am depressed, or spending bill money on non-sense that I must believe I need at the time. And it is hard to tell someone how to fix it. That, I guess is the part that is like my father's alcoholism...people who do not understand want to say"why can't you just stop drinking? Put down the beer, dont buy it anymore." And for me, "just don't spend money that you need for bills", or "just clean up your house" "just don't have sex with anyone who you feel attracted to" Wish it were that simple.
It's funny, now that I am on a new schedule at work...I have a lot of older ladies as co-workers who, well, some of us like to call "old-school" They like to gossip about others, people who work there or people that did....even down to movie stars they read about in US weekly and swear they know everything about them. One of them was talking about hoarding the other day, how they had an aunt who lived like that and how awful it was. Guess I can't disagree, but they talk about it like they could just easily get up one day and clean up....they have just been avoiding it their whole life. Or they enjoy living like that. Trust me, they don't. But to avoid becoming a whisper is someone's ear later that day, I kept my mouth shut. There was another conversation that took place yesterday about people who are bi-polar, how crazy they are and things they do. How none of them can function, keep a job, make it on their own, etc. I had to jump in on that one and let myself be known as one with bi-polar. That I take meds for it (or am suppose to) and how it can be hard because the meds are high and make you feel like someone else....which is why most do not stick with them. I suppose I am just more comfortable with that issue that I have, or perhaps just more defensive.
 For some, it can take several therapists and med combinations before they have found the right one, and this can cost money that many of us do not have, especially by the time we have figured out there is a problem. Manic episodes can cause you to lose things...friends, family, finances. And that is just the bi-polar part....throw in my sexual tendancies, hoarding (nastiest house you could ever imagine, but will never see) and the fact that I contracted an incurable STD over a year ago....along with normal people's obstacles, like work stress, single motherhood, no child support, no family support, bills, etc- and you have me. Seems a little overwhelming at times because any one of these issues would need to be approached one day at a time...how do you approach all at one time? Seems impossible, but if I address one and not the other, something will have to go on the back burner, causing it to fester.

So.....here I am, this ticking time bomb that I cannot allow to detinate because if it does....my son has nowhere or no one to go to. Sometimes, I just hope I can hang in there until he is out of high school, maybe college - then I can explode and he will be ok. But, question is - with all the different kinds of crazy swimming around inside me, how much is effecting him now? Quite a bit, I am sure. Sometimes, too, I think if I did have that family support system, or even friends (ones that I see on the daily- no offense, guys) that I would have given up this fight a long time ago and let him go stay with someone that would be better for him. And there have been times when I just want to go to the crazy house and let them lock me in for a month or two, just to regroup....but where would he go? DSS? Foster care? I just cannot do that to him.

So, I am trapped here in my craziness, and I have trapped my son in here with me. Hope he makes it out ok.

I am still here.... but somehow I am not really.

I feel bored with myself lately and I miss the old psycho me. Not the crying-for-days-without-stopping one, but the manic highs I guess you could say.

 No one told me that the meds would take away the good crazy too. Not sure it is worth it. What am I saying? I know it is worth it, because he is worth it - my Gabriel...my world. What a hypocrite I am, always encouraging others to do the work for themselves, and I never did. Never even considered therapy until my child came into my life and I began to obsess over what my insanity would bestow upon him emotionally.

 My entire life is a catch 22.... I try to numb myself sane for my son, and the numbness is driving me mad...I always told myself I'd be everything that my parents weren't to me, and I am - but I am the only thing my child has because of my poor decision making abilities and former sexual habits.

 SEX. Man, I miss that. I miss the simple idea of that. Another bad decision, the man I was in love with tells me he has a non-curable STD and this is why he had not been intimate in years. Was so insecure about himself sexually, I encourage him to be with me, made a decision that if I got it too, I would be okay with that because I was never going to leave him. Started back on birth control, not soon enough - lose a baby, contract the std - and a month later? He leaves me.

 Now it is me that will never be with anyone. No one ever found a reason to stay with me when I was not tainted, so why the hell would I bother now?

Another disappointment, no siblings from me for you Gabe. Good thing your daddy is generous enough with his sperm....you will always have your big sister and your little brother. God, I hope the two of you will be close. I have no idea how to make you believe it is not your fault that he doesn't want to be in your life. But....maybe your little brother will- he is in the same boat as you.

 CATCH 22. My exterior is hard and cold, and I can be the perfect BI**H if I want. I can be witty and dryly sarcastic until people want to befriend me...well, not really - they just don't want me to be on my bad side. But that isn't really me, I don't even have a bad side. And I am not hard and cold - I am all warm and gooey, a complete and utter MESS. Having enemies on purpose is too exhausting for me, I have enough without trying. I don't care if anyone likes me, or not - but I want to. I want to want friends and a lover and even a marriage and family again. Hope is lost.

 All the time I spent thinking about the perfect mother I would make myself become for my son when he was in my stomach....but the first man that comes along that seemed different, and passionate and into me - that I could talk to about anything for hours and hours came along and I was pawning my little guy off on the babysitter every weekend, inviting the man into our life, our home, sharing holidays and special moments. He didn't even have to steal my time from my precious babe....that is the sad part......I gave it. Willingly. He didn't ask me to leave Gabe at a sitter's so I could play single dating game with him....I chose to.

 That hurts. I wonder what changed me, from the mother that would not let my child out of my sight, no one could feed him candy or smoke around him, no one could keep him overnight, no one could have him when I was not at work ..... to the mother that pays a 19 year old that swears and watches BET with the kids to keep my son all weekend, every weekend for months?????

What a little heartless slut I turned out to be. The man didn't even call me his girl, said he was not ready for a relationship. Gave him one anyway, I thought I could convince him otherwise - almost did, I think....until I let my crazy seep out a little here and there, got tired of pretending that pretending was ok with me.

Turned out to be just like the part of my father I resented most, my mother too. Thinking your seed is disposable when the hope of love presents itself. My mom did it....didn't want me anyway. She is still a child. Even now. I assume, haven't spoken in 8 years. She got rid of me - gave her to my dad and his mom, just take her. She wouldn't pick me up. I drank P.J. in my bottle at a few months old, that was the most fun I was to her....made me sleep- I imagine.

Then there's dad....didn't want to upset his wife by telling her to go easy on me so he let her hit me...told us to leave him out of it - like we were sisters. As long as we weren't infront of the TV, he didn't care about my bruises. He was hard on my little brother because she was hard on me. Like it was payback to be strict with their son, because she was with his daughter. Guess it was payback, but she just hit me harder.

He would have never left her over me....I wonder if she would have killed me like I asked her to do ....maybe not even then. But he left when she was spending his money without telling him, long after I had decided once meeting my alcoholic mom who cared less what I did was better to live with than my sober step mom who smacked me bacause my dad was drinking and well, because -as she told me when I was 7 - she was jealous of me because he loved me more than her.

Everyone has something they just won't stand for - guess his is stealing his money - not his daughter's childhood. I still love you daddy, but I am not sure I can ever respect you again. Still not sure about you mother, or Beth - as I have so affectionately called you for years. Sometimes, I think I will write and tell you I have a son....for his sake since he has no family...and then I remember how you were when you were drunk and high. I may be a heartless slut of a mom, but I still have to protect him....he has no room for more crazy on his plate beside mine.

I am not sure where I am really going with all this, it has been a while since I have blogged, and I just felt like writing. Catch 22 about writing is....when you write from your pain, you have to be hurting to write....or allow yourself to feel it so it can come out through your fingers. I often stay away from letting it out these days, so as to not open the flood gates that I cannot put back up. I miss writing, does that mean I miss hurting? Wouldn't doubt it, the drama queen that I am....doesn't feel normal to me if it doesn't hurt.

God help my son.

Tags: Reflective

I went to therapy today. Wound up feeling worse when I got outta there. She wanted me to talk about losin the baby. (I call her Jasmine) I broke down. I know it's good to get these things out but it seems when I talk about them, it makes all my sadness resurface. Anyway, I wanted a smoke SO bad after that, and I did smoke. When I got back to work, my "ex" that I contracted the STD from and had lost her from wants to walk up and say "sup?" when he could very well see I was attempting to let him pass me without a word. After that, I had another mild panic attack and started shaking and I smoked another cigarette.It had become sort of a way to control my crying spells, so now what do I do instead? I may talk to my psychiatrist next visit about getting a perscription to help with quitting. I really don't want my son seeing me smoke or thinking it is ok to do it. Plus, it smells on my clothes and my hair.

Anyway, I don't know why I allow myself to get all worked up over him and everything that I went through with him. I have been through alot in life and nothing has ever effected me quite like this. Makes me feel weak and pathetic.

Tags: Disappointed

Sorry I have not been very sociable in the last few days, guys... I am back at work and trying to get used to being on a schedule where I can't nap when I get the notion. Anyway, I have to admit to you all that I attempted to smoke today on my lunch break. I was tired and just wanted something to help me relax...but I only took 2 puffs. I guess that is about like a recovering alcoholic saying they only took 2 sips. But, it tasted nasty to me after all this time and I had to put it out. So, because of that - i did not reset my counter, but to set the record straight....I DID take 2 puffs today ... as for my strep throat, I am doing better. I guess that was another reason I suddenly had the craving for a smoke again.

Tags: Tired

I forgot to add.....due to my sore throat during my beach trip, I was unable to smoke any cigarettes AT ALL, or even think about it! The last one I had was Monday morning, and I haven't had the desire since. My grams is a chain smoker, so the temptation could have been there, but it was not. So, I am taking this opportunity to QUIT!! I will keep everyone updated as to whether or not I REMAIN smoke free!!

Tags: Wonderful

Ok, so we went to the beach on Mother's Day - my Grams, my son, and I. We got back last night. Monday, I wake up with a sore throat, headache, body aches, fever of 102- the works. Can't eat, can barely drink. My tonsils are swollen so much you can hardly tell there is a whole in the back of my mouth. This went on for the entire trip.

But, let me elaborate. My grandmother is the type who believes that anyone who is younger than her, can handle anything and because of her age- (she is only 70) - she is the only person on earth allowed to have aches and pains or complaints. So, my week consists of me having 2 children to handle...One is 2 1/2 and has tantrums, meltdowns, and crying spells - along with messy pull-ups, constantly being hungry for food we DO NOT have, and wanting to watch movies on a portable DVD player that Grams conveniently does not know how to work.

The OTHER child is older, 70 years old - to be exact, and can reach all those annoying things in a hotel room that you would otherwise be thankful that your smaller child cannot, such as - the EXTREMELY BRIGHT overhead light in the room, the microwave with an annoyingly loud "ding", the bathroom and front doors that will not close without slamming them, the sink that apparantly does not give out any water unless it is turned on FULL BLAST and the refrigerator door, also needing to be slammed in order to close properly. This child does not know the area, and wakes me frequently to ask where can she get ice, where do they sell ice cream, how much does going to the pier cost, will I get up and drive her to go eat, and am I getting up at all and ofcourse, my other child needs

Whew! I have to say, in many ways - I am GLAD to be home. I did make myself get up everyday to do SOMETHING with my child so I would not ruin his vacation. Sunday - we went to the beach when we got there, Monday we did the same and went to the pier. Tuesday, I made myself blow up his inflatable car so that we could get in the pool (ouch!!!my throat!!) And Wednesday, we had to come back but we hit the beach in the AM before leaving and we went to the aquarium before heading back. That was fun, he was SO excited about the fish, turtles, etc.

So, we get back last night and I feel like I am going to collapse from all the driving, no eating, fever, etc. After I took my grams home, my son and I headed home and hit the bed. This morning, I drop him off at daycare, go to therapy, then make my way to the doc. STREP THROAT. Big surprise, I always have had throat problems, but when I think back to the past week or so, I think about my son's sniffles and almost raw nose. So, since I am still on leave until Monday, I think I may as well pick him up and take him to his doc to be safe. I think, he probably has allergies again, they will suggest Claritin and I am already giving him that. I tell them I have strep and she does a throat culture on him - STREP THROAT!

WHAT???? Oh my POOR BABY!! And he is being such a brave little man. All week while I was whining, lying in bed, complaining, hardly able to move - using all these "pains" as excuses for him having to be quiet, to calm down, to sit still for a minute, to STOP DOING THAT- my sweetie had it too! I feel so bad. Even his doctor commented on how well he seemed to feel for someone who had strep throat.

So, we go get soup, juice, and yogurt for todays meals and get our prescriptions filled. Then, I take him straight home and we both take our meds and lye down. I just woke up because I heard him get up and go to the bathroom. How do I feel? Still miserable, but I can already tell that the swelling has somewhat gone down in my throat. No desire to leave my room, I brought the juice and a cup in here with me as a matter-of-fact. How does he feel? After an hour and a half of watching Gremlins on my TV in my bed with me, my son is no longer interested in "rest" and could care less if it is supposed to make him feel "better". He says he is all better. In his room playing with his toys, bringing me his new-found treasures every few minutes to share.

 So, I guess what my son has taught me is....things are only as bad as you let them be. Sure, my throat looks worse than his and he does not have a fever, but his nose is RAW with blood and all and he just says "I will blow my nose mommy, put some medicine on it" And he is still fussing over me like I am the child. He just asked me "you not need rest no more, mommy? it's time for you to get up?" and he has been asking me all day if my froat (throat) still hurts. What would I do without him??

Tags: Tired

You Are 40% AbnormalYou are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

I tried so desperately to hold on,
To someone who wanted to be free,
Tried to make him my own,
Instead of just letting him be.

He tried to tell me he couldn't be serious,
Tried to tell me he wasn't stable,
But I could not see through my own selfishness,
Could not see he was simply not able.

I forced my love on him,
Thinking it could make him believe,
Thought I could be different than all of them,
The ones before who decided to leave.

But I did nothing but push him away,
With all of my crying and demands,
I left him with nothing to say,
Except this was all more than he could withstand.

I made him feel guilty for my mistakes,
And for not being there for me,
When he had worries of his own to partake,
Tearing him apart completely.

I made him feel like a bad person,
When I should have held his hand,
I added to his pain,causing it to worsen,
When I should have been able to understand.

It took some time for me to see,
I brought all of this on myself,
It was not him at all, but me,
Trying to fit love perfectly on a shelf.

And although he never said it,
I felt it with him in the beginning,
And I may never know if he will admit,
I ruined whatever it was that was growing.

I tried to be selfish to have him for me,
And maybe because I knew I never would,
But a heart is not given forcefully,
And maybe he did more than he could.

I cannot take back the things I have said,
And he would not believe they were not meant,
Words that were spoken to hurt pound in my head,
The time he wasted trying cannot be unspent.

I had no right to say I loved him,
When I could not even be his friend,
Had no right to make his light more dim,
Just because I wanted him to let me in.

I told him I would be here in any way he needs,
But I am afraid I said it a little too late,
All I can do is lie here while my heart bleeds,
All I can do is pray for him - and wait.

And all of the excuses I could give,
I have none that would amend,
I can only ask God that one day he will forgive,
And know that I understand why he wanted it to end.

Tags: Reflective

it really just blows my mind-
all you were to me, and i was nothing to you,
my whole life, i never thought i'd find
someone i'd let my guard down with and give my all to

but it seems i saw more than was there
i misread that look in your eyes
i wanted to hope love could be in a place where
nothing but sorrow and pity lies

i tasted more than a moment in your kiss,
i felt more than just for now in your touch
thought it would be so much more than this
but i realize it was me who wanted it so much

i heard something like forever in your voice,
i spoke of my dreams and promised my heart
but i was not hearing your choice
that you did not want anything but to be apart

i have never been so unaware
my reality not been so clouded
as to see what is not really there
to believe in what i should have doubted

i feel so naive and pathetic now
after i finally know the truth
i can't figure out why or how
i was so blinded by my faith's youth.

03/27/07

Tags: Disappointed

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