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Christmas is always such a bummer and its nice to know i am not alone, sinking in its suckiness! Today is a new day! I talked to my partner about it. It was really hard as I felt petty and stupid. He was really understanding, more than I give him credit for. Done pouting. Santa can sit on a tack! I am really grateful for this place, everyone here and the sobriety I have. I am thankful for the few friends who stayed on and did not judge me for not being a "normal" like them, the ones who can have just one. It is hard to be shunned by those who think you are suddenly boring or lame for not being able to party like it's 1999 every weekend. But who needs them, right? I AM VERY HAPPY! At least I try to find something to be happy about everyday. Today it was cleaning my house with the music blasting. I never get to do that as someone is always reading or doing homework. House to self= good! Later I am going out with a friend just to have coffee and chat. These things are good for me. This weekend is 11 months sober. I have been tempted a few times, but I am more afraid of knocking over my fragile castle than I am of people thinking I suck. Happy New Year everyone! G~
Every Christmas since I can remember I get super depressed and end up drinking my blues away. Last year ... well, I cant even remember last year! I usually drink so much that I swear not to drink on New Year's Eve, lest I start the new year off like a total sobering fool. Well this is the first Christmas sober since I can remember. Yes, now I remember why I hate it so much! Try as I might, I always get these high hopes that THIS christmas will be better and THIS christmas people will care and THIS christmas I wont be so disappointed. It is total crap! I realize I do this to myself. I feel compelled to buy or make fantastic gifts. Things I put a lot of thought and time into and then they get opened and set aside. In return I get a pair of tacky socks, or even nothing! Example:The family and I drove 100 miles in the foulest weather to see my partner's brother and his girlfriend. The brother let us buy him lunch and was off. The girlfriend scheduled a HAIR APPOINTMENT for when we were there! I spent about $50 on each of their gifts. Not even an HOUR of their time in return. No card, not even a THANK YOU! WTF? Yes I am disappointed! Yes I feel many hundred dollars poorer. Yes, I am sick to my stomach with guilt because I gave to so many ungrateful people when I could have donated those items to a family who had nothing. I will do that next time to be sure. Now I know why I drank all these years more so on the holidays than any other time. My hurt feelings needed numbing. Now I am just raw. My partner is putting up the drapes now, something I asked him to do a month ago before it got so cold. I guess he feels my hurt, but I have not told him why. I am thinking he is the best gift of all. I am thinking staying sober might be the best gift I can give myself. I have not blogged since August when I lost my job. I have been very busy as a week later I got another job. It is a huge pay cut but I can manage for a while. They are good to me and make me laugh instead of feel bad about myself. I have many blessings, I KNOW. I still feel the need to pout because Santa shut me out. Thanks everyone for being here. I REALLY appreciate it! Happy Festivus (for the rest of us)
G~ 
My job was eliminated yesterday. I am in the last 2 weeks of closing on a house. My partner is out of the county. My kid is with her father for a few days. This is the time to get face down in a bottle of something, anything! It has been amazing these last 8 months! Everything is better, tastier, happier, until THIS! My co-workers said I never had a chance. My job was unique, made for me. None of the upper management thought so. I am expendable. I am now unemployed. My only thought is I cant afford to drink. Not a good way to look at it but here it is. I have to be super cheap, at least until something comes along. I gotta hang on! I cant go near the bars... not even to look for a job! I miss tending bar but woah its like they say about the barbershop: You hang out there long enough you are gonna get a haircut. Callin' my sponsor now....
Woah! I completed a 200 mile bike ride last week with 14 other people. There was much drinking going on. I was not remotely interested in the drinking... yeay! I was also not interested in the drinkers and felt kinda lonely sometimes... boo! But I woke up, hangover free, left first and rolled into camp first every night. I improved my average speed by 50%! No can do with a BAC! Speaking of BAC... this weird thing happened just week week before. It was 3 am and I heard this horrific pounding noise and out of my sleep I came to realize, holy moly, someone is at the door! It was a 20 year old girl, mascara running, shaking, crying an hyperventilating. I had her come in, gave her a blanket and some water and asked the usual questions: are you hurt, are you lost, is there someone who I can call? She did not know the answer to any of these questions. She just did not want to be left alone. Long story short, the cops came, her BAC was only .08 and she was way disoriented. She woke up in a car and had no idea where she was or how she got there. She ran (barefoot) to the first house she could see. I smell a rat. I am thinking this girl was drugged. She went to the hospital, I followed up and she is "ok" whatever that means. I feel like she was a sign or an angel if you will, to tell me I was doing the right thing. She was in a world of trouble (possibly) and it was me she came to. I told this to my partner, he saw the whole thing but just could not believe his eyes. I said THIS is why i can not drink! He SAW what could just as easily happen to me! The powerful universe is a weird place indeed.
This is the place I go when I am alone. This is the place I go when I am sad. Thanks everyone for all you r comments. I cant come often because there is always someone home, bugging me,looking over my shoulder, etc. When I come back there is all this love left here for me! I must try more to do the same for others. I think it helps really. I might have a good idea or be an inspiration like so many are to me. TTFN, man is home... G~
I was pissed off at my partner last week so on my way to the store I called my sponsor. He said, "you are at the store, buy a pen and some paper and find a seat." What strange request, I thought. He then told me to write all my resentments that were bugging me about my partner that day and let them go. I did this thing and found i was even more pissed when I got home so I let him have it. (not my writings, a new @$$hole ripping). Growing tired of being woke in the night when he comes home from a normal night out with friends. Tired of the stale beer smell escaping his pores that funks up the bedroom for days. Tired of all outings requiring alcohol .... on and on. My sobriety seemed a temporary condition to him I guess. He got bored and well it is back to beer with the boys over soccer. Am I asking too much by asking them/him to have a little respect for my desire to have some sanity and control in my life? Am I asking too much to want to hang out and do something other than watch them drink? 
I am trying to find other things to do. I will sure miss the boyfriend. When he is stinking drunk from now on, he gets the couch (it is about a foot shorter than he is). There is no amount of "Awww sweetie" that will change my mind. I figure eventually he will either get a clue and want to come back to the bed or he will stay on the couch and I will become so used to sleeping alone again that it wont matter at all when I tell him to move the f**k out! All the griping I do, he does try, but it only takes me leaving town for a weekend for him to go drink himself into a stupor (because he "misses" me?). His excuse for not -not drinking is that if he did not have a couple everyday then he would binge drink like a frat boy. Does this spell P-R-O-B-L-E-M to anyone besides me? He wont admit, or maybe he WAS admitting. I can lead by example I guess. He is a stubborn mule. 
Bah! Getty
Part of kicking the alcohol for me comes major sugar cravings. I have maintained a sugary bloodstream for so long it was painful without the drink. Soda, chocolate, cake... all these things felt great until my pants stopped fitting. I was like WTF? I am biking, now running, a little kickboxing when I can. I should burn it off... nope. Marshmallows are fat free, and so sweet only a few are needed. I love me some marshmallows I tell ya! I am going to take some on my bike tour and I will make those climbs as if my bones were filled with helium! I have lost 6 of the 10 sobriety pounds. Now to loose the other 30 drunk pounds.... Another day, another discovery. I started acting with a troupe. Totally outside my comfort zone but I figured maybe I need that. Getting comfy gets me drunk. I do not want that. Having fun being sober. I was asked what I was doing for Cinco De Mayo. I was astonished... isnt it Drinko De Mayo? My friends do not know what to do with me. I think I am still the same person, just not slobbering my stupid jokes all over them. I am digging on the "boring" life except never bored. They are welcome to join.
I met my significant other 6 years ago today in a bar. How silly! It had been very hard for me to not come off judgemental in regards to his drinking. HE does not drink to get f**ked up. That is my thing. He likes beer, brews beer because it tastes good. I could care less about any of it. If I am going to get a buzz then that is what matters. A tasty buzz is even better. I guess I was just jealous of his remarkable ability to be normal. I found a new buzz... I am back on my bike. Bike touring in summer. This is what I used to do for fun. I got sidetracked somehow. For our "anniversary" I bought him pedals for his bike. He actually came out with me yesterday and we spent nearly the whole day enjoying the sun, no alcohol involved. It was splendid. Another day with out drink... it feels better every day. I have been learning to fill the space. It is quite exciting.
Well I would be at three but last month I tried one drink... trying to be a normie I guess, and it made me totally ill. I can just call it my body wanting sobriety before my brain I think. Well I have wanted it for a long time but it is so much easier to use. The path of least resistance leads straight to the bar! I am trying to carve a new path and that means my social life is toast. I eat out more often because I do not know what else to do for fun. That will only end in bigger pants. I am painfully aware that my guy loves me and therefore misses out on parties with co-workers because I do not want to go and watch people get stupid. For that i adore him but eventually I need to find someone to play with so he can enjoy his friend's company without babysitting me. What's a girl to do? What sort of fun things do people do (besides meetings) that does not involve using?
BTW Thanks to everyone who commented on my inaugural blog. Your support is much appreciated!
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