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Hello Friends!
I have been absent for a while, but not in shame! Just living is taking up so much time and its so much fun.
Who knew how easy this would be? I will be clean 8 months on the 21st of this month. How exciting!
Just wanted to wave a big HELLO to all, and let all the new people know that is journey DOES get better, and that every step, whether it hurts or not, is SO WORTH IT.
In the words of Nike: Just Do It!
Love to all,
Genesis
Hey folks.
Sick today. Ack! Allergies are terrible.
I am grateful that I am able to go to work though. Most times they knock me flat on my bak, but not this time. They are just mildly irritating. Makes me want to indulge myself...with Frenchfries!
Not going to do it, but man! I am such a baby. Everytime I feel slightly icky, I just want to indulge and treat myself till I feel better. Since I no longer use nicotine, in any form, those treats more and more are becoming food related...hence this emormous weight gain.
I have started a diet and exercise program designed to get me back down to size, but I am always on the look out for reasons to eat. And be lazy.
I am going to do my best ti reward myself with a bunch of "ME" time later, and nix the fries from my to do list today.
We'll see how it goes.
I keep trying to remember, that ACTING MY AGE and being an adult does not mean I get to have whatever I want.
Its just the opposite. It means I have to DO WHAT NEEDS TO GET DONE.
Ugh.
What a lesson. AND a bit of a let down.
Genesis
d173
T10 days till I AM 6 MONTHS CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I made it through the rodeo with my diet and my quit intact. I had at the very beginning, a little plate of nachos and a mountain dew and that was it! No funnel cake, no fried twinkie, no hot dog, hamburger, BBQ, beer, NOTHING.
:)
The guy next to me smoked nearly nonstop the whole 4 hours. He was maybe 45ish and looked closer to 60. PLUS the constant smell of stale smoke was a terrific reminder that I could be smelling and looking just like that, and it reinforced my decision to stay quit. I had a few tough moments. Right before the performance, when everyone is gathered arond the pens, taking stock of the bulls, admiring the calves, when some folks my age were smoking and looking pleased and content.
But it was just a moment.
I did not drink, which I typically do. I had just as much fun sober. I never bring my kid, but he had a good time, plus it was impossible for me to drink with him there, which was my little back up plan.
I am pleased with the results. It has shown me that with the proper preparation and planning, I CAN do things I thought I wouldn't be able to do.
Genesis
d170
Its rodeo night tonight. I am SUPER excited. This is my favorite night of the year except for spa day and that happens in November.
One teeny tiny little problem. This is my first NONSMOKING rodeo. Don't get me wrong. Everyone else will be smoking, but not me. This will be MY first nonsmoking rodeo in a place where smoking is not only acceptable, but expected.
So, what do I do to prepare? Well, to start with, I am going with a nonsmoking friend. Secondly, we are both bringing our kids, so no drinking. AND I am going to be mentally preparing for it all day. I have decided to avoid the vendors and try to just stay and watch the show. That will help.
Its going to be a rough ride....but I am not going to lose this quit.
Genesis
Whew!
What a couple of days I have had!
I seem to have the diet and exercise thing under control. I am making good choices and trying to live up to my own expectations. Good things. I try to be good to me as much as possible. A VERY good thing.
I am in trouble with my DH. He seems to think that I have been spending WAY too much time online and is ready for me to be, well, ME again. Why am I not outside polishing my tack the way I used to? Why am I not grooming the horses alot the way I used to?
Why is '3d living' below the INTERNET. He says I have two lives now. On in real life and one in here....online.
Him..."Why does THE INTERNET come before me?"
Me.. "Huh?" Looking around, wondering where that came from.
Him... " You are always on THE INTERNET. Do you like them better than you like us?"
Me... "HUH?"
WTH!!!
This came out of left field for me. AM I spending too much time logged in? DO I feel like the people of quitnet (a select few mind you) understand what I am going through better than he? A never smoker. Now that I have my smoking in hand, WHY do I still spend so much time there?
I don't know what has led to this. If he is trying to control me, which is COMPLETELY outside of his normal character, or if he is truly hurt by my double life. I know that for the sake of my marriage I must TRY to fix it. That is what I do. I see problems and try to act. To fix. Or at least to patch it up as best I can.
He has not threatened me with divorce or anything like that. He isn't like that. But I must do my part and try to understand where he is coming from.
SO, for now, I won;t be in as much, although I will still be blogging every couple of days. Just wanted toi get that out.
Gen
So, I am back for the second installment of the three part "Feelings" segments.
Today I am not dealing with negative emotions...and not really positive either...(gray area alert!). Today I am dealing with what I call "Active Feelings". Alot of people get these on Mondays., I think.
When we get a fresh start at a new week. Or a new month(or in todays case, both!).
So I feel like Day One all over again. Full of resolve and determination. Ready to 'Walk the walk' and actually DO those things I keep saying I am going to do.
Today I exercised.
It wan't much, but it was something. I walked a fifteen minute mile this morning before breakfast.
I feel positive about it. Kind of like when I passed that 30 days smokefree. I knew it was just the beginning, but yet...what story ever ended that didn't have a beginning?
We must ALL start somewhere!
I feel good today. Like I have the world by the tail.
Hope you do too! We are ALL doing it!
Genesis
Gotta vent it out.
Stress...
I am SO stressed out. Financially I am tapped. I mean how much worse can things get? (OOPS...one shouldn't say that....)
We have switched vehicles, combined houses, trimmed and skimped and saved, and STILL cannot make all the payments. This stupid economy and stupid recession is making my life miserable!! Or is it me? As a fiscally responsible woman I detest to think that possibly this is my fault. For not accounting for sudden loss of income.
I don't know,
Maybe it IS my fault. But I cannot change it. I didn't save for emergencies and NOW we have 1/4 of the income we used to have. No two ways about it. There is no way we are getting any more money. We have skimmed out lifestyle down to the nub.
And still the ends don't meet.
Are we the only ones? All of my friends seem to be doing fine. All of my family seem to be doing fine. Are they deluding themselves? Or is this really just our deal??
WTF!
Sheesh.
Genesis
Doritos are bad. Doritos are bad.
WHY are there doritos in this office?? We sell insurance not snacks!!
:/
Hello people.
I have constistantly been eating extra at lunch the past two days. Its like I have one really good calorie day then take two steps back. I know its all a work in progress. But I can't seem to progress.
I even find myself trying a "no one will know" mentality, like no one can see these two hundred pounds on me. Surrrrrrrrre. What-Ev.
This new journey is frustrating me. I can't seem to get a grip on anything. I KNOW I want nothing more than to lose at least a few of these pounds. I don't care to look like I did in highschool, 9 scant years ago(although that would be SWEET!) I do want to be able to balance correctly while riding my horse. I want to be able to mount from the ground again. I want to be able to throw a 70 pound bale of hay without huffing and puffing like I do now. Basically to enjoy the one fringe benefit of my life. My horses.
I want to set a good example for my son, who is VERY overweight for his age. Mu husband is a large man, but not overweight, although he was as a child and said he suffered for it,. I don't want that for my boy. And he gets his habits from me.... I have to do better.
Genesis
Hey people!
Well, as an emotional eater....I thought we could touch on feelings a bit. This could actually be applied to most addictions as well. Most addicts are using their drug of choice as a barrier to have to face feelings and emotions. So this is not just for eating, but try to apply it to your walk in life as well.
My first part is NEGATIVE feelings. Anger, despair, hurt, desolation....all of these are negative feelings. (AS ALWAYS, I AM NOT A DOCTOR AND THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE)
When you have a bad day, over all, you experience lots of little body triggers. Specifically you could have a headache. Body or muscle aches.
As addicts, these feelings seem overwhelming,and thus we must medicate. Angry, hurt, tired? Eat(smoke, drink) and it will maybe not go away, but at least be tolerable and at most may buy us a few moments to work out a solution.
I am having to deal with this type of emotional eating almost analytically. I call it a trigger and treat the feeling as a craving. Its the only way I know to move past it. Distracting is not an option. So I must give myself a way to make a healthy choice.
Lately, I removed all chips from my house. All thats here is pretzels.
This is the first step to the new me.
Nextly, I have a little journal in my purse. I am writing out WHY I feel hurt and angry. This helps me put a little space between the craving and the action.
I feel like I am moving in the right direction.
Genesis
PS. If PEOPLE make you feel negative feelings, one must not blame the resulting behavior on them. One must take personal responsibility for their own actions. You don't MAKE me react. I choose to react badly and thus, have the control.
Let no one control you.
YOU control your own situations.
g
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