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Another challenge is facing me and I’m so glad I’m no longer in the midst of my addiction. My ex has been using amphetamines again and the paranoia has set in I think. She has taken out a Violence Restraining Order on me regarding an incident that happened at her home which I have absolutely no idea about – very frustrating it is. I had annoyed her in the past with too many phone calls and txt messages on nights of drinking but this has not occurred for months. I am in no way a violent person and have never threatened violence against her. 6 months ago I would have crashed and succumb to the bottle again, thanks to my HP I have restrained and feel so much better for it. Being able to think clearly on the matter and not become angered or bitter has created and interesting internal situation for me. I am upset regarding having to defend myself in court against an incident I’m not aware of but I am joyous as well. The pride I have in myself for how I am dealing with it is by far out weighing the sadness and confusion. I am getting support from all angles now I am actually asking for it, once again thanks to my HP. Even the mother of my eldest daughter has agreed to write a statutory declaration stating that in the 21 years we have know each other at no time have I displayed any form of violence, even when we went through our break up 14 years ago! I find myself paying for my ex despite the order; I still care for her well being and hope she can find the strength to battle her demons as I am. God Bless.
Hi all,
I've been of line for a while and just wanted to say hi!
Life has been up & down lately for me but more up's are occuring which is great!
I've managed to convert my thinking regarding problems a little. It just took me to come to the realisation that everyone you meet or see has their own battles they are fighting and none of us are truly alone... In stead of thinking "Ohh no, not another drama. When will it all stop?" I'm staring to think "ahh, another challenge to learn from and grow though".
Today I got some news which rocked me and I have to prepare for a court appearence. My 1st response was to call my family and support group. 6 moths ago it would have been a drive to the nearest bottlo... I know I can overcome anything that challenges me now, with hard work, dilligance and support. I'm not expecting a smooth ride anymore or drowning into my addiction; but I'm liking life a great deal more!!
This site was the 1st place I reached out to and the support I have found has given me the strength to stay in control...
Thank you all & god bless
Went backwards during the last week. A lesson well learned.. But I'm back on track.
Thanks to all who have supported me here, you are blessings...
I've been discovering a great deal about myself, my addictions, my cycles, my triggers and my HP. Daily journaling has really helped me, Step 4 certainly is as well.
I am starting to overcome my fears in my head, I need to action them more often now.
I am getting the professional help I need thanks to the strength of my HP's guidance, my faith will continue to guide me.
I took a job with hours that was going to cause me to see my youngest daughter much less. I prayed for guidance. I created a list of goals, long term, short term, baby steps and prioritised the things in my life. It was a casual position and I quit.
Nervous about it as I need to work I was happy to have taken the risk. It really didn't suit where I am and what I need in my life at the moment. I told my daughter that I think I should look for a better job, one where I could see her more often. She then told me her out of scool care centre is looking for staff. I called them, they are looking for a part time co-ordinator and casual staff. I have 5 years experience as centre co-ordinator. I have applied and things are very positive so far.
The return of my faith continues to guide me, time will tell if I get the job, it comforts me to know that either way my HP will light the way...
Gos Bless...
I had my youngest for the weekend and she really helps me to stay in the correct perspective. We went fishing, walked along the river for hours each day and enjoyed a bit of sunshine as it had been raining and stormy in Perth all last week.
I was in a good headspace and I text my ex a hello and best wishes. Turns out she was recovering from her Saturday night.
Recovering from what? I asked myself..
Then let my imagination run wild.
I have a very strong spiritual bond with her which annoys her now we are not together. I somehow know when she is experiencing strong emotional feelings and get in touch asking how she is etc. On Sat night I awoke at about 2am with a buzz on, I thought she must be thinking of me in a positive way, I'll text her.
I thought better of this decision... as thanks to my HP I wasn't drunk...
When I contacted her on Sun she was very happy to hear from us, then the recovery thing got me thinking. She has been going hard in the last 12 weeks, every weekend at least. I am so concerned for her, she is still making herself unconcious to the real world 3 months after we broke up. She dumped me though? I'd thought she'd be cool with it.. Please pray for her..
I was temped to drink, as a jealousy thing I think. she's doing it why can't I!?
I prayed for guidance.
It came..
I recorded a demo of a song I wrote about a female friend using meth and what it does, called "White". A much better option that totalling myself!
I've posted this demo if you'd like a listen. http://www.myspace.com/mujis
This is what I need, self - control & a positve outlet for when my emotions start getting the better of me. Day by day I'm recognising my triggers, the many of which there are, and I'm not giving into them. Thanks HP!
My ex calls me a hopeless romantic....
It's time I changed that to just romantic, or maybe a hopefull one!
Take care all & God bless...
Well, after a good day...
I slipped back a little. I refrained form getting drunk but I caved in last night. I had a heated conversation with my Mum about my 16y/o's behaviour while she was with her. It brought up some past hidden emotions form my teenage years. I began to feel low, my thoughts started focusing on the pain I have caused and I slipped..
I had a choice this morning to look at this negatively or positively... I chose the positive.
I immediately felt the depressing effects and not long after burst into tears. It was my inner child form my teenage years letting out the anguish I felt regarding my Mothers actions when I was younger, So I let him...
I began to dwell on my lost love. I remained strong and sent no messages. I used to be so good at sending them when I was drunk, they were usually accusation or insulting.
I got rid of the remaining alcohol and didn't get drunk, a display of self control I didn't think I would have, but thanks to my HP's guidance... I'm getting there.
I have decided to stop all alcohol intake, rather than just not getting drunk. This experience has helped me to see recovery for me is all or nothing...
I decide to give it my all... One minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Since I have begun to find my sprituality my HP's guidence becomes more apparent to me. Three weeks ago I lost my job when I hit rock bottom, with the stressess of lost love, shame, self loathing and self blame I was experiencing -it's no wonder. I decided to change my life and began to heal. I have taken quite a few chances I would never had considered three months ago. I decided to get out of the stress of my 15 year career in Childcare and focus on myself and my family. Today I got a job that suits my needs and give me the time for my family and my music as well. Thank you HP.
I took another chance recently as well. I decided, albeit hesitantly- to send a letter I had written to myself about my realisations of how my addiction destroyed my relationship and what childhood triggers I had found - to my ex.
I dont recall a great deal of what I did during my drunken turns but I know I hurt her immensly and blamed her constantly and I felt she had the right to know that it was my addction to alcohol which ruined us and not her.
She called me today, re signing the house lease over to her. I would meet her tonight and sign the forms. I invited her to dinner to which the response was "probelby not a good idea. Seeing as when ever we see each other I set you back."
I replyed with "NO! It was me who set MYSELF back..."
Thanks HP, I could never have admitted that it was me before my faith returned.
We had dinner and spent an hour and a half together. We managed to help to heal each other a little with our honesty and start to lay foundations for possible future bridges.
None of the anxious feelings overwhelmed me like they used to, they were there but I was in control of them for a change..
I have realised after pining for this lost love, and living in the shame of my actions; that the lost love was really for myself. I hated myself and how I was before, how could I truly love anyone else then? How could I treat the one I'm in love with that way?
Today I love who I was, how I acted and how I stayed in control.
Tomorrow is another day, my HP will give me the strength to keep moving forward... one day at a time..
Hi all, After 24 years of on and off addiction and dependancy I have realised recently that it really is me who has the problem and I can't allocate any blame on those around me anymore. I hit bottom when I lost my most recent romantic attachment, thankfully she is a very strong person who has recovered from addiction and has in essence encouraged me to find the strength to accept my addictions and finally admit them and work on ways to heal.
I have previously lost two relationships due to the same essential reasons, each creating space between myself and my children. I lost a great deal in both of those failed realationships but it took the strength of a refomed addict to assist me to become aware of my issues.
I have found my higher power again! I lost faith at 14 when my addictions started and my cycles of self destruction began. Through counselling and reasearch I have discoved childhood triggers and relationships that have assisted me to create the unhealthy links I form with others in adulthood.
This realisation has brought me closer to my higher power and has encouraged me to have the strength to turn my will and life over to my HP's care. I now feel that there is definate hope for recovery, something I've not felt in a long time.
It will take time and courage, step 4 is challenging for me and confronting but most rewarding as well. "one day at a time" the cleche train makes real sence at times!
I have even done this and informed complete strangers of my addiction and progress!
It has given me joy and reading other blogs gives me understanding that there are real struggles we go through in our lives, and I am not alone.
I thank you for this gift and hope to hear from you too. There is strength in numbers.
Lee
Tags: Alcoholdrugs Relationship Growth Step 4
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