I was reflecting on both Poohbear71’s brother Kevin and Passitongreeting’s quote, "If you are facing the right direction, all you have to do is keep on walking," when I remembered an incident from my childhood.  My school administered an IQ test, and my mother was called-in to discuss the results.  It appears I had “missed” one question, and the one question I missed, no one else had missed.  You had to put in order 4 pictures, a man walking, a man walking with a cane, a man on crutches, and a man in a wheelchair.  We were supposed to arrange them in order of disability/handicap, but I arranged them in order of speed.  My father always went faster in his wheelchair than with his cane, crutches, or wooden leg, and he seemed to be happier (less pain) in the wheelchair.  We do tend to complicate this journey.   I talked with Dad earlier today, he still has a goal to get out of his wheelchair and use his prosthesis to walk again.  God bless him!  Dr. Robert O. Becker where are you?  Dad still fondly remembers you!  I believe you have always been pointed in the right direction!!  Thanks for caring!!!

Tags: Journey Direction Wheelchair "Dr Robert O Becker"

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  Not sure I've completely figured-out why Memorial Day weekend, 4th of July, and Veteran's Day are so hard for me (Step One - honesty.)

  You fight (not always understanding why,) you celebrate your victory (eveyone loves a party,) and you live with the scars (always looking for healing.) 

  All I know is that I miss those that aren't here.  --John.

Tags: Memorial Day

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I'm so glad I've been working the steps these past few months!  I was pacing the floor last night, finished the bottle of olives, and emptied-out the peanut can.  Good thing I haven't left myself much food in the house but some fruits and some frozen vegetables.  I finally shifted my pattern/dance and dropped down on my knees and prayed.  I don't usually pray at times like this because I've believed that I should approach God only when I can have a sincere discussion and offer praise and focus all my attention during my prayer and be ready to receive inspiration and act on that inspiration.  Wow, was I in error.  He calmed me down and put me to rest.  This is my last week in the area where I was born, raised, built a house with God's help, and raised seven children.  It's hard to leave.  I start my 2000-mile journey one week from now.  The worse is today though.  I have this medical appointment/follow-up that I'm suppose to have once a year but I only do about every 5 years.  I've had the appointment for 6 months.  The problem is physical but relates to my PTSD.  He's the only MD in the area that even understands the procudure I had, and he's retiring this year; I think I was # 41 or 43 that had it done, then i think they abandoned the procedure.  At least I helped further medical science.    I've got Jesus to hold my hand today!    He's sitting right next to me!  I can't even find the paperwork I'm suppose to take.  Oh well.  I was just remembering, when the procedure was done at 121 hosp in Seoul, I was profiled to drink a six-pack of beer daily.  Now I know that's not much, but if 6 was good, 12 must be better, etc.  I remember the look on the CO's face when I handed him the profile and my case of beer.  He dispensed one every 3-4 hours while i was on duty.   Hey this writing stuff actually does help.  I apologize to any and all who read this.   Weel, it;s time to get on with my ordeal.  God bless all of you in your ordeals this and every day!

Tags: Leaving Home Goodbye

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I know I haven't written in a while.  I've been busy working the steps though!  This morning, I remembered a patient I saw in the ER many years ago.  He had an accident that lacerated his arm pretty bad.  What he did next is what was interesting.  He had been a corpsman in the military, and he sewed-up the wound with needle and thread.  His anesthesia had been Jack Daniels, both on the outside and on the inside.  It had been a couple of hours when he showed-up at ER.  I had to take-out the old, put-in the new, and protect against further infection.  I guess I was thinking that I've acted in a similar method.  In the past I've taken immediate action to prevent profuse bleeding emotionally, now I have to take-out the old self-placed stitches, yeh it hurts, and allow my HP to put-in the new ones and protect me from further infection.  Just a thought...

Tags: Self-medication Pain

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I had a tough time sleeping last night; I was pretty restless.  I remember one dream/nightmare, though it didn't feel like a nightmare while I was having it.  While having it I was just doing what I was doing without the emotion I felt I should be having; it's kind of hard to explain.  Well, here it is anyway.  I was a soldier.  Most the other soldiers were having a good time playing in the water in this cave, splashing around and everything.  Other soldiers were standing outside on guard duty.  The water looked cool and inviting and I new that those spashing around in it were having a great time.  However, I was kind of numb toward it all.  I walked outside and looked-up and saw a squad of enemy soldiers moving-in on the ridge.  I didn't have a weapon and I hurried to alert those on guard duty.  The enemy had automatic weapons and opened fire mowing-down the guards that had their backs to the enemy.  I was in the water as one of the hit guards dropped his rifle.  I grabbed the rifle before it completely submerged beneath the water.  I took-out two of the enemy with two very focussed shots (I had been taught to use a rifle at the age of 11 in military school in Vermont and had earned many of the NRA certifications prior to the age of 12, the legal age of using a rifle here in New York; I find it amazing that I still know how to use an M16 after all these decades, but in the dream I went through all the steps.)  There were many more of the enemy conceled.  The dream eneded.  As I ponder the dream, I think the enemy soldiers are my addictions.  No matter what we do in life, we must remain constantly on guard.  I obviously need a weapon, use all the steps in using the weapon, and take-out the enemy one by one.  I'm currently loosing my composure as I type this.  I'm feeling a lot of hate right now.  Sorry.  Out here.

Tags: Dream Watchful Addiction

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I apologize to any who feel offended by my “humor to ponder” or anything else in this post.   It is not my intent to offend anyone.  I have been struggling with this step for a while, and I find it very difficult to get through it.  Thank you to all those who have been so supportive!

I will make a searching and courageous written moral inventory of myself.

As I do the inventory, I will look beyond my past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are actually the roots of my addictive behaviors.  Unless I examine all my tendencies toward fear, pride, resentment, anger, self-will, and self-pity, my abstinence will be shaky at best.  I will continue with my original addictions or switch to other ones.  An addiction is a symptom of other “causes and conditions.”

1.     Incident: overeating.  I was ~ 8yo, making my dinner, it tasted so good and made me feel so happy that I went and made a second dinner.  Prior to this time my mother use to make me clean my plate before I could leave the table; at eight I was on my own and I ate in the living room while watching T.V.

a.    Effect:  Instant happiness; long-term problems with health, discipline, procrastination, and self-esteem. Budget problems, hurt relationships.

b.    Feelings:  Rebellious, “I could eat whatever I wanted to; it was nobody’s business but mine.”  Prideful, “I can take care of myself, I don’t need anybody.”  Instant gratification; long-term depression and unhappiness.  Perhaps I was avoiding having to make better choices and risk the possible consequences.

c.    Self-exam:  A lot of self-will attitude and actions.  Overeating seems to fill a void inside of me.  Eating is a necessity, so it’s a great escape from whatever tedious situation I might be in at the time.  I started my first weight-loss diet when I was 8yo, so I realized my SDB then, but I enjoy eating. 

d.    Humor to ponder: If you are what you eat, them I’m a lot of things!

e.    Counsel:  1 Cor 9:25. 1 Cor 6:19. Luke 4:4. Daniel, chapter 1. D&C 89.

2.    Incident: caffeine.  I grew-up on Pepsi and ice-tea, probably since the age of 5.  Everyone in the house drank it. 

a.    Effect:  Increased energy; helped me stay awake.  Sharp with other people?

b.    Feelings:  I felt ready to conquer the world.  Now I feel it was just an artificial stimulant with side effects.  I had the worse headache of my life when I quit.  My heart was shooting ~ 8 PVCs a minute during withdraw.

c.    Self-exam:  Why take so much time looking for the energy from within when taking something artificial is so much easier?  A lot of self-deception and self-will.  Slothfulness; avoiding good and healthy choices.

d.    Humor to ponder: I find it’s easier to drink more Pepsi than go to sleep.

e.    Counsel:  1 Cor 9:25 and D&C 89.

3.    Incident: watching too much television.  As I increasingly got older (age 8-17) I would increasingly watch more T.V.  By my mid-teens, I was watching T.V. from 3 p.m. to 1 a.m. most week days, and much more on the weekends.  My only saving grace was I was active in the Boy Scouts and I was an avid skier. 

a.    Effect:  Helped me escape reality.  Alienated me from others.

b.    Feelings:  I was grateful for the escape at the time.  Now I feel what a waste of life I was.

c.    Self-exam:  There were elements of self-pity, self-deception, and self-will.  I did not want to face reality.  T.V. filled a void.  With the exception of what I did in Scouting, I was a very selfish individual. 

d.    Humor to ponder: Unlike surfing the web, you can watch television with a beer in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other.

e.    Counsel:  1 Cor 9:25.  13thAoF.  Moroni 7:12-19.  2 Nephi 2:27.

4.    Incident: gambling.  I had an uncle in Vermont that bred and raced Standard bred harness horses throughout the Northeast.  I had an Aunt that was the first licensed female sulky driver in the state of Maine.  Most of the family gambled on the horses.  It was a focus of mine in my late teens, and when I dropped-out of high school I lived around the track for several weeks gambling daily.  The money that paid for the honeymoon came from my last two dollar bet at the horse race track I went to with my fiancée.

a.    Effect:  It cheapens the principle of an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.  I saw what gambling did to another uncle and his family, and it scared me into not progressing any further down that path; they lost house, car, savings, and his job. 

b.    Feelings:  Momentary excitement.  Long-term guilt and shame.

c.    Self-exam:  Self-deception and self-will.  I saw the get-rich quick scenario at first, I loved the rush, and then I found for all the time and energy I was devoting, there wasn’t much income.  I was fortunate I didn’t have much money to invest to begin with.

d.    Humor to ponder: I lost so much money at the track; I had to sell the car.  Now what do I tell the car rental agency?

e.    Counsel: Proverbs 15, esp. v 27

5.    Incident: overworking.  As both a soldier and a health care provider, long hours of work are often needed and required.  My last job, 1997-2008, only required 80 hours every 2 weeks.  However, I spent up to 16 hours a day on the job. 

a.    Effect:  Avoidance of family responsibilities.  Stress at home.

b.    Feelings:  Shame, remorse.

c.    Self-exam:  False pride in providing for my family.  Broken family relations.

d.    Humor to ponder: As a result of overworking, more doctors are dropping dead on the golf course.

e.    Counsel: Family first!!!

6.    Incident: Alcohol.  It’s what adults did.  There was no lock on the liquor cabinet.  I was often by myself as a teenager, so no one ever knew.  As an adult, my wife didn’t drink much, so I would finish hers after all of mine. 

a.    Effect:  It would relax me and I would feel better; I felt worse in the morning.  I would embarrass my wife and others.

b.    Feelings:  Temporary relief from all my problems.  Extra problems in the long-term.

c.    Self-exam:  Great immediate escape from reality.  Self-deception. 

d.    Humor to ponder: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

e.    Counsel: D&C 89.

7.    Incident: Pornography.  At a very early age I started viewing my grandfather’s Playboy magazines.  By the age of nineteen I had accumulated quite a collection of centerfolds.  I would stare and fantasize over these pictures daily. 

a.    Effect:  Instant happiness; I felt great.  Long-term problems with perverted thoughts about intimacy, sex, and womanhood.  Wasted time and energy.  A physiological change in my brain that associates pictures of naked women with a pleasurable and desirable experience.  Hurt relationships.

b.    Feelings:  Short–term gratification; seems to fill a void.  Long-term enslavement. 

c.    Self-exam:  Huge self-deception. 

d.

Tags: StepFour

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