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So – here I am writing again. This time from a hotel room in Paris. I came here today, will work for about an hour tomorrow and then go home again. Sitting on the train for about four and a half hours , I had time to think about something that has been bothering me for a while. Loose ends. There are a few in my life, things I need to take care of. Some of them have been with me for a while and for some reason I am not dealing with them. Some might be actions I need to take concerning myself, others might concern relationships with other people. Some of my loose ends bother me more the longer I don't take care of them, some seem to disappear. What they all have in common is, that not taking care of them creates a sense of failure or unease.
The thing about the ones that seem to disappear is that I have found that although they seem to disappear, they stay with me, just become less visible. But when the time comes, they resurface. Sometimes in a nasty way, sometimes not, almost always in a different way from what I expect. An example: I might have insulted someone (unintentionally of course – I never insult people on purpose) and when a situation occurs that we end up talking about it, the person might have forgotten or maybe took it much more serious than I did. In any case, the outcome is different from what my expectation was. Sometimes the effect is more hidden, an issue in one relationship will influence my behaviour in other, unrelated relationships.
What I was thinking about today is what happens during my "not taking care of it". I realize that it influences me and my actions constantly - all of them. Even if the issue is unrelated. One of the major feelings that is involved in this is guilt. My thoughts and actions are tainted by this feeling. I hate feeling guilty and it really messes me up. It influences all of my thoughts and actions. But if I dislike this feeling so much then why don't I take care of the things that cause this guilt? Is it some self destruction mechanism to make sure that I don't feel good? Not taking care of the things I need to do has gotten me into serious trouble many times and I am really getting sick of it.
But letting go of this behaviour and taking care of my loose ends ? – HA ! - this feels like step 6 felt the first time around. What I was thinking then was:
Having my defects removed??
Jeeezz – what will be left of me? I am entirely made up of defects, they are what defines me the most... I will end up just an empty shell....
Well – after a while of pondering that thought and talking with my sponsor about it, I realized that I don't really have a choice if I want to feel better (or at least less shitty). So I agreed to take the 6th step and then on with step 7 but guess what... My Higher Power didn't remove all my defects of character in one mighty flash. As a matter of fact, I don't believe that any outside force removed anything - but that I became willing to walk a different path. Still the same me, but with a different view and choosing better, healthier ways. Nowhere in the steps does it say anything about my higher power having removed all my defects of character, just as there is no mention of having become enlightened but rather spiritually awakended (but that is another topic). All of my transformation in recovery comes down to my own personal choice. It is me who makes the changes, my higher power merely points me in the right direction. I have to walk the path myself. My higher power will come along and be there when I need directions and sometimes it gives me directions when I don't ask for them (which usually pisses me off – an emotion to be replaced later by gratitude)
Now after 20 years clean, I am still working the steps. I decided to tackle my loose ends... and... maybe this time – there will be a giant flash ;-)
Tags: Recovery Steps
I am back from this weekend's NA convention. The event was held in a small mountain village in the Swiss alps. It was very nice, not so many people, a very family kind of thing. Last night after the main meeting we had the cleantime countdown and did it in a new fashion which I first saw last year at the same event. In the past cleantime countdowns usually really annoyed me, with people clapping and cheering harder and harder, the shorter someones cleantime was. I get all that "the newcomer is the most important person stuff" but I never really liked it. But this countdown was different. The room was cleared of all chairs and everybody was asked to stand at the back end of the room, the countdown started with the longest cleantime. That person then walks forward, the others cheer. The countdown continues and as each ones number of years or months comes up, they walk forward and join the people already there. Much like it happens in real life. The "oldest" people walk first and the others join them. Of course everyone is received by hugs. Until everyone in the room is on the same side.
I really like it this way. Yesterday however, I was the first person to walk forward and although the room was cheering like crazy I felt sad. I was alone in the front. I was thinking "where are the others?" Where are the people that were there with me when we started? I know where most of them are. A few were too lazy or busy to come to the convention, some are still clean but just don't go to meetings anymore, some are using again and some are dead. I was so glad that the countdown continued and I could give a hug to people coming to my side of the room. It showed me again, how I need everyone and it showed me that it is my choice today where I want to stand.
Today at a meeting I shared about it. It was a very strange but beautiful meeting. They called it a "hiking meeting". The idea was that the group of germanspeaking people and the group of frenchspeaking people would each go hiking someplace and we just share about our recovery with whoever we are walking with. It turned out differently, we all walked together, the groups never separated. When we came to a clearing by a lake, someone just stopped and stared to share to everyone - in French. When he finished the next person shared in German - no translation. And on it went everyone sharing in their own language. It was beautiful. Everybody understood what people were sharing, maybe not always word by word, but everybody understood with their heart. Someone then put it into words: "Addiction and recovery know no boundaries or borders" - everybody nodded and she added: "and they don't go on vacation..."
Thank you for taking the time to read my share.
Tags: Convention Countdown Friends
Here I am in my hotel room at the Swiss Convention, snow is falling outside, it is unusually cold for this time of year. We had our press conference yesterday, and as expected, there were less people than we hoped for. NA here in Switzerland is not doing so well, many of the oldtimers don't show up anymore and meeting growth has been stagnant for years. I am clean for more than 20 years and one of the first members of NA in Switzerland. Four of us met in AA and started the first NA meeting in Basel. The meeting took place on a Sunday because I had to go back to the army by Sunday midnight. We met in a private home for the first few weeks, before we decided we should continue to meet regularly and open up for all addicts seeking recovery. We found a room and the meeting started to grow. More meetings opened up. As more members started to do service it became time for the ones who started to let others follow. Some years later, the meetings were full, all service positions filled and the message was carried to treatment centers and other institutions. I had performed my duty as the service representative for the German Speaking Region, first as alternate then as rep, for a total of 4 years, I took part in structuring the European service structure (what is now called the European Forum) as well as some World Service Groups. Being left with no obligation to serve and not accepting further nominations, I kept going to meetings.
Going to meetings and listening to the constant whining of people who were mostly still in treatment centers or in a bad place in life started to get to me and I felt like some "step nazi" or NA fundamentalist. I did what was best for me, even if people called me a "hardliner". I worked my program and shared about it. I started to go to different meetings, not travelling every Sunday for almost 400 kilometers to get to my meeting (I had moved to a different part of Switzerland). Coming back to "my" meeting and others, I found myself in discussions whether to let people on substitution programs such as methadone, share and take service positions. I was and still am, strongly against it. My belief is that where there is drugs inside, drugs come out while sharing. But the majority of members felt that these members should be allowed to share. I have always opposed majority decisions in NA, I don't believe in democratic decisions because in my eyes, democracy ist the dictatorship of the majority, hence not spiritual in the NA sense. Other issues such as continous sharing about treatment center related issues started to bore me at meetings and I ended up going less and less. My recovery was still going strong, my spiritual path clear. When I would go back to meetings I felt somehow alienated, service committee meetings were dreadful. People would sometimes call and ask me for advice or to do some service when noone else could. Decisions were made by the service committees that in my experience made no sense, efforts pointing in fruitless directions. I fought my own self righteous opinions and felt that everyone has the right to make his/her own mistakes. I let go. I would occasionally go to meetings, still attend the conventions that had become a fixed part of my annual schedule, keep in touch with old NA friends i made over the years, but my involvement on a local level became almost inexistant. New meetings started, others closed - I didn't even know about it. At the Swiss Convention last year, I realized that NA is not doing well and decided to do something about it. But between deciding and doing is still a long way, especially for me. Now it is a year later and I still have not gotten involved. I have started to go to meetings as much as possible usually 2 times a week. In the time that I didn't go to meetings much, I moved away from what saved my life.
I am doing fine today, I never felt my abstinence threatended, but I know I need NA. The program gives me the foundation on which I base my life. The place where I nourish that foundation is the meetings. If I want the meetings to be strong I need to get involved. If I want NA to grow, I need to do my part. I have a lot of experience in service, an investment that NA has made in me by electing me as a trusted servant. This experience belongs to NA it does not belong to me. I need to make it available by showing up - however annoying that might be - for me and others... thank you for taking the time to read my post and letting me be part of this group
Tags: Service Oldtimer NA Recovery
Here I am in my hotel room at the Swiss Convention, snow is falling outside, it is unusually cold for this time of year. We had our press conference yesterday, and as expected, there were less people than we hoped for. NA here in Switzerland is not doing so well, many of the oldtimers don't show up anymore and meeting growth has been stagnant for years. I am clean for more than 20 years and one of the first members of NA in Switzerland. Four of us met in AA and started the first NA meeting in Basel. The meeting took place on a Sunday because I had to go back to the army by Sunday midnight. We met in a private home for the first few weeks, before we decided we should continue to meet regularly and open up for all addicts seeking recovery. We found a room and the meeting started to grow. More meetings opened up. As more members started to do service it became time for the ones who started to let others follow. Some years later, the meetings were full, all service positions filled and the message was carried to treatment centers and other institutions. I had performed my duty as the service representative for the German Speaking Region, first as alternate then as rep, for a total of 4 years, I took part in structuring the European service structure (what is now called the European Forum) as well as some World Service Groups. Being left with no obligation to serve and not accepting further nominations, I kept going to meetings.
Going to meetings and listening to the constant whining of people who were mostly still in treatment centers or in a bad place in life started to get to me and I felt like some "step nazi" or NA fundamentalist. I did what was best for me, even if people called me a "hardliner". I worked my program and shared about it. I started to go to different meetings, not travelling every Sunday for almost 400 kilometers to get to my meeting (I had moved to a different part of Switzerland). Coming back to "my" meeting and others, I found myself in discussions whether to let people on substitution programs such as methadone, share and take service positions. I was and still am, strongly against it. My belief is that where there is drugs inside, drugs come out while sharing. But the majority of members felt that these members should be allowed to share. I have always opposed majority decisions in NA, I don't believe in democratic decisions because in my eyes, democracy ist the dictatorship of the majority, hence not spiritual in the NA sense. Other issues such as continous sharing about treatment center related issues started to bore me at meetings and I ended up going less and less. My recovery was still going strong, my spiritual path clear. When I would go back to meetings I felt somehow alienated, service committee meetings were dreadful. People would sometimes call and ask me for advice or to do some service when noone else could. Decisions were made by the service committees that in my experience made no sense, efforts pointing in fruitless directions. I fought my own self righteous opinions and felt that everyone has the right to make his/her own mistakes. I let go. I would occasionally go to meetings, still attend the conventions that had become a fixed part of my annual schedule, keep in touch with old NA friends i made over the years, but my involvement on a local level became almost inexistant. New meetings started, others closed - I didn't even know about it. At the Swiss Convention last year, I realized that NA is not doing well and decided to do something about it. But between deciding and doing is still a long way, especially for me. Now it is a year later and I still have not gotten involved. I have started to go to meetings as much as possible usually 2 times a week. In the time that I didn't go to meetings much, I moved away from what saved my life.
I am doing fine today, I never felt my abstinence threatended, but I know I need NA. The program gives me the foundation on which I base my life. The place where I nourish that foundation is the meetings. If I want the meetings to be strong I need to get involved. If I want NA to grow, I need to do my part. I have a lot of experience in service, an investment that NA has made in me by electing me as a trusted servant. This experience belongs to NA it does not belong to me. I need to make it available by showing up - however annoying that might be - for me and others... thank you for taking the time to read my post and letting me be part of this group
Tags: Service Oldtimer NA Recovery
Hi
I am new here and this is my first attempt at a blog entry. Ever - anywhere. I heard from a friend about this site and logged on, made a profile and told myself that I will try to write regular blogs... we'll see how long I will manage to do that. Today I will not be able to share very much, I am en route to the Swiss Convention. There will be a Press Conference, where I am supposed to represent my area of NA. It has been a while since I had to do something like that. They told me that the press and politicians will be attending. So I need to look and talk well, in order for the audience to believe that NA is a program that works. hmm... So I am thinking, what if I feel like shit... do I still smile and say how wonderful recovery is? do I still say this is where I want to be in my life right now? - Of course I do! It might not be honest concerning my current state of mind, but this press event is not about my personal recovery but rather a demonstration of how the program works and for whom. I want to carry the message of NA to these people. Not my own personal message, but rather the message of NA. Not my issues, my problems or my opinions on outside issues and - believe me - I have plenty of them. I want to carry a message of hope even though I might not feel great. Because if I take a step back from myself and look at what the program has done for me - it is not difficult to see... So I serve the fellowship by displaying something that I might not entirely feel at that moment, but which I know is there.
The funny thing that happens when I do service in this way, just like when I share with a sponsee or even at a meeting is that whatever state of mind I am in, it changes. I become more recovery oriented and focus less on my daily problems. hmmm... suddenly my day looks brighter. I am more focused on the good parts of my life and believe that recovery is possible - one day at a time. This is what service can do for me.
Tags: Thanks New Blog
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